Bitters and Twists
Oct. 19th, 2002 12:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaWe're really not going to waste any time here... the upcoming cut is to prevent spamming my friends with ... what's likely to be a severe angsting.
Megan and I have just gotten home; we'd made arrangements to go down to Laura and Ryan's for dinner and convo tonight. She's gone to bed, leaving me alone where I can finally cry in peace.
I managed to get the cake baked this morning to take down with us. I was tremendously pleased with the result; I've not had a cake turn out this nicely in ages and I remember thinking that it boded well for the day. It... was not to be, as it turned out. She arrived home from work about 1630, and I got up from my nap and got dressed, just in time to get the first blast. She'd offered to ice the cake, and in my innocence I thought 'what harm can she do?'... I hadn't counted o her putting five pounds of frosting on this poor cake, and then using my decorator squeezes to write 'I like to decorate shit' on it. It may well be overly sensitive, but the only 'shit' thing about my beautiful cake was her sorry assed icing job. I attempted to laugh it off, knowing full well that if I opened it up it'd put a pall over the entire evening and she'd be a moody bitch. In retrospect, it's just as well, as she had another surprise for me for the drive.
They live nearly an hour south of us, poor darlings... but they're in a beautiful spot near the water, and it's always a delight to see them. They're on my list of people I don't see -near- often enough. So we amble out to the car, strap in (with me driving, of course... meds? they don't cause any worries do they? right... now ask why I smoke like a stack while I'm driving) and head down. We're about half way there when she opens up with the second blast: she's -incredibly- pissy about the laughter and fun and reminisces I share with the people I RP with online. Jealous. Enough to prompt her to attack me on the topic while I'm driving. She resents the fact that I have fun that doesn't include her... despite the fact that I've tried on NUMEROUS occaisions to include her. I... it's like she's shoving a blade through my chest, telling me that what little life I have left is unacceptable. I lock down the anger and pain and keep my voice mellow, trying to find out if there's something specific she's upset about, or get her to realize that her broad generalization threatens to completely kill what little outside contact I have left. And what I discovered was that she was deliberately trying to provoke me, likely so that she could look the wounded party amongst friends; my continued calm had her in near hysterics in just under ten minutes. When she started screaming at me, I pulled off the road, turned the car off, and dropped the keys in her lap. I got out of the car and called back 'come find me when you calm down', shut the door, and lit a cigarette. I made no moves to -go- anywhere aside from getting out of traffic, but... I simply couldn't bear to be screamed at.
I even wish I could say this is an oddity... but this is the pattern we follow over and over again. There have been several instances in the past six months where she's managed to trigger raw emotions from me... it always leads to utter fatigue on my part. Eventually I'll sue for peace just to shut her up. Tonight... she sat in the car for a few minutes, then opened her door and called 'We're gonna be late!'. I shrugged, and told her she had the keys, and I'd just wait where I was. Meanwhile, I'm casting through my mind for reasons for her behavior... and not liking at -all- what I'm coming up with.
It's deliberate. It's a method of control via guilt and angst. Any time I start to put things back together, and look like I might make a bit of forward progress, something like this comes up. She's using my fatigue and loyalty as a weapon against my own throat to keep me in a place where she won't -have- to grow.
And if that's truly the case... it's the single most horrifying action I've ever had played against me.
That's saying quite a bit, too. In my 35.5 years I've been shot several times, stabbed more times than I care to remember, beaten nearly to death by would-be Christians, ostracised by my own family, and watched my dreams begin to crumble to dust. Used, cast aside, kicked... all manner of treatments up and down the spectrum.
I've never had anyone use my soul against me. Not like this.
I... need someone among my friends who /know/ both Megan and I ... I need input from you all, please. Don't pull your punches (except that I don't need another round of 'move to Texas', darlings... not right now, okie? I know you want me and why, but I've a specific issue here and your input is needed).
In the meantime, my rough 'plan' is still in effect. I'm ripped up inside at the moment at the thought of this, but it doesn't change my course. I will prevail... but I may need to work a bit at armoring my mind against such things. I simply cannot afford to be swayed from the path again; there's not enough left of my health to take another round of being lost and adrift.
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan
Megan and I have just gotten home; we'd made arrangements to go down to Laura and Ryan's for dinner and convo tonight. She's gone to bed, leaving me alone where I can finally cry in peace.
I managed to get the cake baked this morning to take down with us. I was tremendously pleased with the result; I've not had a cake turn out this nicely in ages and I remember thinking that it boded well for the day. It... was not to be, as it turned out. She arrived home from work about 1630, and I got up from my nap and got dressed, just in time to get the first blast. She'd offered to ice the cake, and in my innocence I thought 'what harm can she do?'... I hadn't counted o her putting five pounds of frosting on this poor cake, and then using my decorator squeezes to write 'I like to decorate shit' on it. It may well be overly sensitive, but the only 'shit' thing about my beautiful cake was her sorry assed icing job. I attempted to laugh it off, knowing full well that if I opened it up it'd put a pall over the entire evening and she'd be a moody bitch. In retrospect, it's just as well, as she had another surprise for me for the drive.
They live nearly an hour south of us, poor darlings... but they're in a beautiful spot near the water, and it's always a delight to see them. They're on my list of people I don't see -near- often enough. So we amble out to the car, strap in (with me driving, of course... meds? they don't cause any worries do they? right... now ask why I smoke like a stack while I'm driving) and head down. We're about half way there when she opens up with the second blast: she's -incredibly- pissy about the laughter and fun and reminisces I share with the people I RP with online. Jealous. Enough to prompt her to attack me on the topic while I'm driving. She resents the fact that I have fun that doesn't include her... despite the fact that I've tried on NUMEROUS occaisions to include her. I... it's like she's shoving a blade through my chest, telling me that what little life I have left is unacceptable. I lock down the anger and pain and keep my voice mellow, trying to find out if there's something specific she's upset about, or get her to realize that her broad generalization threatens to completely kill what little outside contact I have left. And what I discovered was that she was deliberately trying to provoke me, likely so that she could look the wounded party amongst friends; my continued calm had her in near hysterics in just under ten minutes. When she started screaming at me, I pulled off the road, turned the car off, and dropped the keys in her lap. I got out of the car and called back 'come find me when you calm down', shut the door, and lit a cigarette. I made no moves to -go- anywhere aside from getting out of traffic, but... I simply couldn't bear to be screamed at.
I even wish I could say this is an oddity... but this is the pattern we follow over and over again. There have been several instances in the past six months where she's managed to trigger raw emotions from me... it always leads to utter fatigue on my part. Eventually I'll sue for peace just to shut her up. Tonight... she sat in the car for a few minutes, then opened her door and called 'We're gonna be late!'. I shrugged, and told her she had the keys, and I'd just wait where I was. Meanwhile, I'm casting through my mind for reasons for her behavior... and not liking at -all- what I'm coming up with.
It's deliberate. It's a method of control via guilt and angst. Any time I start to put things back together, and look like I might make a bit of forward progress, something like this comes up. She's using my fatigue and loyalty as a weapon against my own throat to keep me in a place where she won't -have- to grow.
And if that's truly the case... it's the single most horrifying action I've ever had played against me.
That's saying quite a bit, too. In my 35.5 years I've been shot several times, stabbed more times than I care to remember, beaten nearly to death by would-be Christians, ostracised by my own family, and watched my dreams begin to crumble to dust. Used, cast aside, kicked... all manner of treatments up and down the spectrum.
I've never had anyone use my soul against me. Not like this.
I... need someone among my friends who /know/ both Megan and I ... I need input from you all, please. Don't pull your punches (except that I don't need another round of 'move to Texas', darlings... not right now, okie? I know you want me and why, but I've a specific issue here and your input is needed).
In the meantime, my rough 'plan' is still in effect. I'm ripped up inside at the moment at the thought of this, but it doesn't change my course. I will prevail... but I may need to work a bit at armoring my mind against such things. I simply cannot afford to be swayed from the path again; there's not enough left of my health to take another round of being lost and adrift.
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-18 11:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-19 08:36 am (UTC)It's time for the D
It's not even 'Move.'
It's 'Sever the Tie that Binds.'
It's been coming for a while. You know that as well as any of your friends. You Know that it's an integral step in achieving your end goal.
I know she 'needs' you. But she's never going to not need you unless there's some outside motivation for it. Your marriage exists in Name Only. If you remove the name, nothing remains. Then she has no claim to you any more. No right to feel upset that your only social interaction doesn't include her (And I'll say this too: As long as you are married, she does have a right to expect that some of the fun you have does include her. It's part of why people get married).
With the dissolution of the marriage, you become nothing more than Roommates splitting the rent and utilities. (And yes, I'm fairly sure I know which end of the stick that leaves you on).
Corie.. you know I consider Megan a Friend. The advice I give is for her own good as well as yours. I'm no psychologist, but I'm willing to be she feels a failure right now. She's married a man it turns out she can never truly have. She loved him once, maybe she still does. But this isn't the way Fairy Tales work. You're supposed to live happily ever after, and until the two of you do live happily ever after, she feels like she's somehow failed in her part of the bargain. Maybe I'm wrong on this. Maybe I'm not. Either way, you've GOT to take the next step toward your own dream.
My thoughts
Date: 2002-10-19 12:43 pm (UTC)As Shado said, she's undoubtedly feeling like part of this whole thing is her 'fault', if you can call it fault. After all, you were a strong, solid man when she married you, right? So what did she do that would cause you to not only become so physically weak (never mind that the illness would've happened anyway) and what did she do to make you suddenly want to become a woman (never mind that this was something that you'd been dealing with and known since you were young)? I would guess that she's thinking that if she can keep you where you are for long enough, you'll get over it all...get past it...and things can go back to how they were once.
We all know it won't be that way, though, and she probably knows too deep inside, but that doesn't mean it won't keep her from trying. I love Megan, but she's not the most mature or grown up person in the world. She's never HAD to be. Her family took care of her, and when she left them, YOU took care of her...and despite everything, you still do. It's time for Megan to start taking care of herself, but it's not going to happen as long as things continue as they are, and she knows that. So, since she's scared of having to take responsibility for her own life, she's fighting as hard as she can to keep you where you are.
This isn't good for her, it isn't good for you. The only solution that I can see is divorce. I know that you wanted to have certain financial things dealt with first, but...love...it's just not realistic any more. And if you keep putting things off like that, you're just allowing the games that she's playing to work. It's time that you two went your own ways.
As for the next thing I'm going to say, it's not just 'move to Texas', okay? So don't get all snippy or defensive. I /know/ that you've been waiting for money situations to even out first because if you leave her, you don't have much in the way of income. Don't let that be the lever that keeps you in place. We'll put you on our futon if we have to, okay? Trust me, we could use someone to keep house right now *looks around at living room and sighs*. So I'm not saying 'move to Texas', but I AM saying 'don't let money be the issue that holds you there'.
Okay?
Luv you.