Bitters and Twists
Oct. 19th, 2002 12:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaWe're really not going to waste any time here... the upcoming cut is to prevent spamming my friends with ... what's likely to be a severe angsting.
Megan and I have just gotten home; we'd made arrangements to go down to Laura and Ryan's for dinner and convo tonight. She's gone to bed, leaving me alone where I can finally cry in peace.
I managed to get the cake baked this morning to take down with us. I was tremendously pleased with the result; I've not had a cake turn out this nicely in ages and I remember thinking that it boded well for the day. It... was not to be, as it turned out. She arrived home from work about 1630, and I got up from my nap and got dressed, just in time to get the first blast. She'd offered to ice the cake, and in my innocence I thought 'what harm can she do?'... I hadn't counted o her putting five pounds of frosting on this poor cake, and then using my decorator squeezes to write 'I like to decorate shit' on it. It may well be overly sensitive, but the only 'shit' thing about my beautiful cake was her sorry assed icing job. I attempted to laugh it off, knowing full well that if I opened it up it'd put a pall over the entire evening and she'd be a moody bitch. In retrospect, it's just as well, as she had another surprise for me for the drive.
They live nearly an hour south of us, poor darlings... but they're in a beautiful spot near the water, and it's always a delight to see them. They're on my list of people I don't see -near- often enough. So we amble out to the car, strap in (with me driving, of course... meds? they don't cause any worries do they? right... now ask why I smoke like a stack while I'm driving) and head down. We're about half way there when she opens up with the second blast: she's -incredibly- pissy about the laughter and fun and reminisces I share with the people I RP with online. Jealous. Enough to prompt her to attack me on the topic while I'm driving. She resents the fact that I have fun that doesn't include her... despite the fact that I've tried on NUMEROUS occaisions to include her. I... it's like she's shoving a blade through my chest, telling me that what little life I have left is unacceptable. I lock down the anger and pain and keep my voice mellow, trying to find out if there's something specific she's upset about, or get her to realize that her broad generalization threatens to completely kill what little outside contact I have left. And what I discovered was that she was deliberately trying to provoke me, likely so that she could look the wounded party amongst friends; my continued calm had her in near hysterics in just under ten minutes. When she started screaming at me, I pulled off the road, turned the car off, and dropped the keys in her lap. I got out of the car and called back 'come find me when you calm down', shut the door, and lit a cigarette. I made no moves to -go- anywhere aside from getting out of traffic, but... I simply couldn't bear to be screamed at.
I even wish I could say this is an oddity... but this is the pattern we follow over and over again. There have been several instances in the past six months where she's managed to trigger raw emotions from me... it always leads to utter fatigue on my part. Eventually I'll sue for peace just to shut her up. Tonight... she sat in the car for a few minutes, then opened her door and called 'We're gonna be late!'. I shrugged, and told her she had the keys, and I'd just wait where I was. Meanwhile, I'm casting through my mind for reasons for her behavior... and not liking at -all- what I'm coming up with.
It's deliberate. It's a method of control via guilt and angst. Any time I start to put things back together, and look like I might make a bit of forward progress, something like this comes up. She's using my fatigue and loyalty as a weapon against my own throat to keep me in a place where she won't -have- to grow.
And if that's truly the case... it's the single most horrifying action I've ever had played against me.
That's saying quite a bit, too. In my 35.5 years I've been shot several times, stabbed more times than I care to remember, beaten nearly to death by would-be Christians, ostracised by my own family, and watched my dreams begin to crumble to dust. Used, cast aside, kicked... all manner of treatments up and down the spectrum.
I've never had anyone use my soul against me. Not like this.
I... need someone among my friends who /know/ both Megan and I ... I need input from you all, please. Don't pull your punches (except that I don't need another round of 'move to Texas', darlings... not right now, okie? I know you want me and why, but I've a specific issue here and your input is needed).
In the meantime, my rough 'plan' is still in effect. I'm ripped up inside at the moment at the thought of this, but it doesn't change my course. I will prevail... but I may need to work a bit at armoring my mind against such things. I simply cannot afford to be swayed from the path again; there's not enough left of my health to take another round of being lost and adrift.
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan
Megan and I have just gotten home; we'd made arrangements to go down to Laura and Ryan's for dinner and convo tonight. She's gone to bed, leaving me alone where I can finally cry in peace.
I managed to get the cake baked this morning to take down with us. I was tremendously pleased with the result; I've not had a cake turn out this nicely in ages and I remember thinking that it boded well for the day. It... was not to be, as it turned out. She arrived home from work about 1630, and I got up from my nap and got dressed, just in time to get the first blast. She'd offered to ice the cake, and in my innocence I thought 'what harm can she do?'... I hadn't counted o her putting five pounds of frosting on this poor cake, and then using my decorator squeezes to write 'I like to decorate shit' on it. It may well be overly sensitive, but the only 'shit' thing about my beautiful cake was her sorry assed icing job. I attempted to laugh it off, knowing full well that if I opened it up it'd put a pall over the entire evening and she'd be a moody bitch. In retrospect, it's just as well, as she had another surprise for me for the drive.
They live nearly an hour south of us, poor darlings... but they're in a beautiful spot near the water, and it's always a delight to see them. They're on my list of people I don't see -near- often enough. So we amble out to the car, strap in (with me driving, of course... meds? they don't cause any worries do they? right... now ask why I smoke like a stack while I'm driving) and head down. We're about half way there when she opens up with the second blast: she's -incredibly- pissy about the laughter and fun and reminisces I share with the people I RP with online. Jealous. Enough to prompt her to attack me on the topic while I'm driving. She resents the fact that I have fun that doesn't include her... despite the fact that I've tried on NUMEROUS occaisions to include her. I... it's like she's shoving a blade through my chest, telling me that what little life I have left is unacceptable. I lock down the anger and pain and keep my voice mellow, trying to find out if there's something specific she's upset about, or get her to realize that her broad generalization threatens to completely kill what little outside contact I have left. And what I discovered was that she was deliberately trying to provoke me, likely so that she could look the wounded party amongst friends; my continued calm had her in near hysterics in just under ten minutes. When she started screaming at me, I pulled off the road, turned the car off, and dropped the keys in her lap. I got out of the car and called back 'come find me when you calm down', shut the door, and lit a cigarette. I made no moves to -go- anywhere aside from getting out of traffic, but... I simply couldn't bear to be screamed at.
I even wish I could say this is an oddity... but this is the pattern we follow over and over again. There have been several instances in the past six months where she's managed to trigger raw emotions from me... it always leads to utter fatigue on my part. Eventually I'll sue for peace just to shut her up. Tonight... she sat in the car for a few minutes, then opened her door and called 'We're gonna be late!'. I shrugged, and told her she had the keys, and I'd just wait where I was. Meanwhile, I'm casting through my mind for reasons for her behavior... and not liking at -all- what I'm coming up with.
It's deliberate. It's a method of control via guilt and angst. Any time I start to put things back together, and look like I might make a bit of forward progress, something like this comes up. She's using my fatigue and loyalty as a weapon against my own throat to keep me in a place where she won't -have- to grow.
And if that's truly the case... it's the single most horrifying action I've ever had played against me.
That's saying quite a bit, too. In my 35.5 years I've been shot several times, stabbed more times than I care to remember, beaten nearly to death by would-be Christians, ostracised by my own family, and watched my dreams begin to crumble to dust. Used, cast aside, kicked... all manner of treatments up and down the spectrum.
I've never had anyone use my soul against me. Not like this.
I... need someone among my friends who /know/ both Megan and I ... I need input from you all, please. Don't pull your punches (except that I don't need another round of 'move to Texas', darlings... not right now, okie? I know you want me and why, but I've a specific issue here and your input is needed).
In the meantime, my rough 'plan' is still in effect. I'm ripped up inside at the moment at the thought of this, but it doesn't change my course. I will prevail... but I may need to work a bit at armoring my mind against such things. I simply cannot afford to be swayed from the path again; there's not enough left of my health to take another round of being lost and adrift.
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan
