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Jan. 17th, 2003 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaFatigue and pain have worn me down to almost nothing, pain and fear prevent proper sleep, fear and fatigue prevent me from communicating.
The cycle spins on whether I wish it to or not, and nothing seems to break it. So I sit here and hurt, wondering if the dreams will claim me again should I drift to sleep. I don't know what triggered them this time... the content of them is still a mystery to me... but my fear of them seems to have made them a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know how to halt the cycle, and until I do the millstone will continue to grind me down.
I've made efforts to break the patterns, honest. I've screwed my courage to the sticking point and gone out and been social. I've altered my reading habits, hoping that maybe that would help. I've done everything I can think of, and the efforts have only served to wear me out that much faster. I... simply do not know what to do. Sapphi tried very hard to help, and actually lifted the gloom a bit, only to have that glimmer of hope dashed to bits in the recurrent dream cycles last night. It's gotten to the point where Megan's afraid to touch me now... she was still awake during the first instance of the returned night terrors and attempted to reach out to soothe me, and got tossed across the room like a beanbag for her trouble. Whatever it is that waits for me across the alpha threshhold is triggering the 'backed into a corner and fighting for my life' combat mode... the one I have the least on the fly control over. The one that's the most dangerous. The one where I'm least human.
Almost three weeks now, this has been going on. I'm at a loss as to how to break the cycle... and know that it'll kill me if I don't find a way. There's only so long you can keep moving after sleep no longer provides rest. All I know to do is to keep pushing onwards until I cannot anymore... I don't know what to do once I reach that stage, or even how much longer I have. I'm so very tired that keeping my mind focused to type is difficult. I think I'm going to go now. I've still got to try and ramp up to face the in-laws this weekend; the snowfall wasn't sufficient to permit me to halt those plans.
The cycle spins on whether I wish it to or not, and nothing seems to break it. So I sit here and hurt, wondering if the dreams will claim me again should I drift to sleep. I don't know what triggered them this time... the content of them is still a mystery to me... but my fear of them seems to have made them a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know how to halt the cycle, and until I do the millstone will continue to grind me down.
I've made efforts to break the patterns, honest. I've screwed my courage to the sticking point and gone out and been social. I've altered my reading habits, hoping that maybe that would help. I've done everything I can think of, and the efforts have only served to wear me out that much faster. I... simply do not know what to do. Sapphi tried very hard to help, and actually lifted the gloom a bit, only to have that glimmer of hope dashed to bits in the recurrent dream cycles last night. It's gotten to the point where Megan's afraid to touch me now... she was still awake during the first instance of the returned night terrors and attempted to reach out to soothe me, and got tossed across the room like a beanbag for her trouble. Whatever it is that waits for me across the alpha threshhold is triggering the 'backed into a corner and fighting for my life' combat mode... the one I have the least on the fly control over. The one that's the most dangerous. The one where I'm least human.
Almost three weeks now, this has been going on. I'm at a loss as to how to break the cycle... and know that it'll kill me if I don't find a way. There's only so long you can keep moving after sleep no longer provides rest. All I know to do is to keep pushing onwards until I cannot anymore... I don't know what to do once I reach that stage, or even how much longer I have. I'm so very tired that keeping my mind focused to type is difficult. I think I'm going to go now. I've still got to try and ramp up to face the in-laws this weekend; the snowfall wasn't sufficient to permit me to halt those plans.
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Poor Love
Love,
~~Kt3 the Worried About You~~
no subject
Date: 2003-01-17 04:46 pm (UTC)Alas, I can do none of these.
I can only be there for you in spirit; a mage to protect, a knight to defend, a cleric to heal.
I will lend you all the strength I can through the aether to you, Elisabeth. Take what you need, see yourself shielded and protected by the strength that I send you.
We will see this through, Dear.
Masque