cabbitzilla

I make a lot of excuses.
For myself. For my family. For my friends. For society.
And for anything else the paranoiac spaces in my mind tell me I'm to be attacked for. Thus far it's running at about 72% accuracy, which is utterly horrifying to me.

I make excuses about my weight... and then reach for another soda. *sigh* I'm not sure how to stop this one, but I'm working on it. Sodas have long been one of the weakest spots for me in temptation resistance. I've purged them from my life time and again, only to have them creep back in the next time a crisis hits. From where I sit, I can see empties in almost every direction; no amount of denial can make a dent in the visible evidence. Rather than attempt another ruthless purge, this round will be a slow cutting back. If I can limit them and integrate them, they'll do me less damage in the long run.

There are also issues with what and how I eat; too much fast food, too many snacks, irregular and erratic timing of meals, and sometimes days without -any- food because it just never crosses my mind. Fixing this one is going to take planning and effort, if only to have grocery money to put real food in the freezer. Part of the problem is a very deep phobia in me: gas appliances terrify me... and the stove here in the apartment is gas. Mom finally dug the truth out of me back in October... and revised her shopping list for Christmas to include a George Foreman Grill for me. Finally, an electric appliance I can use without worrying constantly that it's going to explode. Finding the 'at one time' cash for groceries is the next hurdle, and I'm working on that one. I'm hoping to be -able- to prepare decent meals by the end of the month, at which point the focus becomes locking myself into a semblance of normality to lay out meal times. With my finances still enmired in Megan's, none of this is going to be easy.

On a random, unrelated note, Gus (the oldest/largest of my cavies) is going utterly apeshit. I -think- it's just 'WHEEEEE!' moments, but it's noisy as hell. o.o

*sigh* Making excuses is easy, even for someone notorious for blunt, socially disrespectful manners (or lack thereof). It fills my days, and I drift from point to point. The problem comes in trying to decide where to draw the line... what comprises a valid reason, and what is simply an excuse. For those who seem to enjoy asking me what I'm 'doing' or 'thinking', well, this is where my mind is usually circling. I'll rattle off a couple of trivial things and not own up to this as a matter of course; having someone else trying to track my thoughts and birddog me just makes it infinitely worse. There are a handful who've tried; they'll know who they are because they'll be the ones who'll speak of me as 'volatile and violent', having seen go from quite, contemplative and a bit confused straight to near-homicidal rage in the space of a nanosecond.... and they've all been told rather bluntly to 'stay the fsck out of my head! You've not been invited and you're not welcome!' (and unless you've been specifically TOLD this, you're not one of the offending few here and need to quit worrying, okie?). This is one of those areas where I only barr folks who've already proved themselves as not having the required touch, but once that banishment goes down it's permanent. *exhale* I spend a lot of my time confused, circling and pouncing in my own mind trying to sort these things out; I -know- I've missed something critical somewhere, but I also know what's been tried. Annnnnd, I'm digressing.

A bit before Christmas, I started carefully narrowing my scope RL. Part of that has included the weeding out of some of the deadwood, people who were once counted as friends but have since proven themselves undependable or untrustworthy. Heidi, Lore, Paula, Drew... all long-time 'friends', and all of them on the discard list. People I've been making excuses for... but they've always been attempts to forgive offensive/petty/mean-spirited comments or actions towards me. I've got -real- friends locally, and need to spend more time with -them-. Poor Jon and Nette haven't seen me in months (*soft chuckle* though that may be a blessing to them, eh?). I've not seen Hilfie since July, Mike & Becky since February. Jason lives 10 minutes from me, and I've seen him once in the last two months.

The 'excuse' here is that I've been spending more time online with the friends & family I have there, but in truth that's not the case. My online time has been staggeringly inconsistent and erratic of late; the excess time isn't being spent there. I'm months behind on LJ, and the posting to my own has become more unpredictable than I would have thought possible. So where's all this time going? Hours of being curled up on my bed wishing I could sleep, or trying (and failing, usually) to read a book. Even as I promised to open back up, I continued to further isolate myself and withdraw. I'm still trying to dig out the reasons for this, but what I've rooted out thus far seems to be mired up in feelings of futility and uselessness. *sigh* Another weak spot in the Armor of Cabbit. I'm working on this one, really I am.

Also on the local RL hit list now is blood family. As I continue to sort things out, it's with the determination that something happens, I take a step, some sort of progress occurs in the first quarter of this year. Behind all of this, that's the drive that's coalescing into the master goal list... and I know damned well that some of the bloodkin I've been making excuses for are going to react poorly to ANY change. *rubs her temples* And I have to let them. I know this, now. If I continue to forgive the unforgiveable, then the pattern will never change. At the top of this list is my father, whom I've made excuses for for almost three decades, and his father, my only surviving grandparent.

It makes things a lot less clear when the -very- tight ties I have with my step-mother (Evelyn), half-sister (Tina), and (oddly) step-grandmother (Anna, Evelyn's mother). These are the rest of dad's 'clan'. I don't forsee -any- issues with the three of them even when I ram things to the breaking point. But dad's become increasingly adamant in his quest to lock me into place and bind me (via guilt or anything else handy), and grandfather... *shakes her head* My grandfather is a lost cause. I know this now. I'd maintained hope of at least bringing him to understand some of this.... hopes that were completely destroyed the day after Christmas. No, I"m not going to go into it; suffice it to say that it was very very bad, and was the reason for my post-Christmas moodcrash. So I'm now having to face the fact that both of them are in the 'losses' column of the final tally sheet, and I'm... not thrilled. Nor am I swayed. They're outside the bounds of what I'd normally consider 'acceptable losses', but I will no longer accept being supressed by uneducated hicks (and descendants of them) determined to make me live my life their way. *sigh* I'm me. Yes, I know that makes me 'odd'. I'm aware that I don't even fit the stereotypes within the trans community. I'm me. And I will -be- me. Which means that goodbyes are coming... and likely another screaming match or three. *cries* It likely makes no sense, but I'd somehow clung to the hope that dad... daddy... would understand.

And here come the excuses again. I'm so very tired; every step is double and triple thought, every moment continually reviewed and dissected and examined until I can somehow 'justify' the attitudes I face. But the simple fact is that I've worked so hard to be understanding and flexible that I've come perilously close to losing myself in the chaos... and I can't permit that. Not again. Especially not for people who're proving unwilling to extend even the most tentative understanding to me.

I allowed myself to become static.
I allowed myself to become stagnant.
I allowed myself to be stopped.

I will no longer permit that.

*exhale* The upshot of this is fairly simple, if brutal.
If who and what I am offends you, then unfriend me and go away. I don't need you.
If who and what I am offends your God and you're unwilling to see a viewpoint other than His/Hers/Theirs/Its, then unfriend me and go away. I don't need your headfscked God, either. Mine loves me, and I know it.
If who and what I am disturbs you, and you've stayed at my side because you believed I could be 'saved', then unfriend me and go away. You can't save someone from destiny. The only thing I need saving from is people like you.
If who and what I am distresses you, and you're one of the people allied to try and stop me from 'making a horrible mistake', then unfriend me and go away. The worst of the mistakes have been made, and now I'm going to /fix/ things; if my solution isn't satisfactory to you then go find someone that will listen.

This is MY year. I'll weep for every person I lose, for every person I'm forced to mow down, but I'll weep as I move.
This is MY year.