I make a lot of excuses.

[cabbitzilla]

I make a lot of excuses.
For myself. For my family. For my friends. For society.
And for anything else the paranoiac spaces in my mind tell me I'm to be attacked for. Thus far it's running at about 72% accuracy, which is utterly horrifying to me.

I make excuses about my weight... and then reach for another soda. *sigh* I'm not sure how to stop this one, but I'm working on it. Sodas have long been one of the weakest spots for me in temptation resistance. I've purged them from my life time and again, only to have them creep back in the next time a crisis hits. From where I sit, I can see empties in almost every direction; no amount of denial can make a dent in the visible evidence. Rather than attempt another ruthless purge, this round will be a slow cutting back. If I can limit them and integrate them, they'll do me less damage in the long run.

There are also issues with what and how I eat; too much fast food, too many snacks, irregular and erratic timing of meals, and sometimes days without -any- food because it just never crosses my mind. Fixing this one is going to take planning and effort, if only to have grocery money to put real food in the freezer. Part of the problem is a very deep phobia in me: gas appliances terrify me... and the stove here in the apartment is gas. Mom finally dug the truth out of me back in October... and revised her shopping list for Christmas to include a George Foreman Grill for me. Finally, an electric appliance I can use without worrying constantly that it's going to explode. Finding the 'at one time' cash for groceries is the next hurdle, and I'm working on that one. I'm hoping to be -able- to prepare decent meals by the end of the month, at which point the focus becomes locking myself into a semblance of normality to lay out meal times. With my finances still enmired in Megan's, none of this is going to be easy.

On a random, unrelated note, Gus (the oldest/largest of my cavies) is going utterly apeshit. I -think- it's just 'WHEEEEE!' moments, but it's noisy as hell. o.o

*sigh* Making excuses is easy, even for someone notorious for blunt, socially disrespectful manners (or lack thereof). It fills my days, and I drift from point to point. The problem comes in trying to decide where to draw the line... what comprises a valid reason, and what is simply an excuse. For those who seem to enjoy asking me what I'm 'doing' or 'thinking', well, this is where my mind is usually circling. I'll rattle off a couple of trivial things and not own up to this as a matter of course; having someone else trying to track my thoughts and birddog me just makes it infinitely worse. There are a handful who've tried; they'll know who they are because they'll be the ones who'll speak of me as 'volatile and violent', having seen go from quite, contemplative and a bit confused straight to near-homicidal rage in the space of a nanosecond.... and they've all been told rather bluntly to 'stay the fsck out of my head! You've not been invited and you're not welcome!' (and unless you've been specifically TOLD this, you're not one of the offending few here and need to quit worrying, okie?). This is one of those areas where I only barr folks who've already proved themselves as not having the required touch, but once that banishment goes down it's permanent. *exhale* I spend a lot of my time confused, circling and pouncing in my own mind trying to sort these things out; I -know- I've missed something critical somewhere, but I also know what's been tried. Annnnnd, I'm digressing.

A bit before Christmas, I started carefully narrowing my scope RL. Part of that has included the weeding out of some of the deadwood, people who were once counted as friends but have since proven themselves undependable or untrustworthy. Heidi, Lore, Paula, Drew... all long-time 'friends', and all of them on the discard list. People I've been making excuses for... but they've always been attempts to forgive offensive/petty/mean-spirited comments or actions towards me. I've got -real- friends locally, and need to spend more time with -them-. Poor Jon and Nette haven't seen me in months (*soft chuckle* though that may be a blessing to them, eh?). I've not seen Hilfie since July, Mike & Becky since February. Jason lives 10 minutes from me, and I've seen him once in the last two months.

The 'excuse' here is that I've been spending more time online with the friends & family I have there, but in truth that's not the case. My online time has been staggeringly inconsistent and erratic of late; the excess time isn't being spent there. I'm months behind on LJ, and the posting to my own has become more unpredictable than I would have thought possible. So where's all this time going? Hours of being curled up on my bed wishing I could sleep, or trying (and failing, usually) to read a book. Even as I promised to open back up, I continued to further isolate myself and withdraw. I'm still trying to dig out the reasons for this, but what I've rooted out thus far seems to be mired up in feelings of futility and uselessness. *sigh* Another weak spot in the Armor of Cabbit. I'm working on this one, really I am.

Also on the local RL hit list now is blood family. As I continue to sort things out, it's with the determination that something happens, I take a step, some sort of progress occurs in the first quarter of this year. Behind all of this, that's the drive that's coalescing into the master goal list... and I know damned well that some of the bloodkin I've been making excuses for are going to react poorly to ANY change. *rubs her temples* And I have to let them. I know this, now. If I continue to forgive the unforgiveable, then the pattern will never change. At the top of this list is my father, whom I've made excuses for for almost three decades, and his father, my only surviving grandparent.

It makes things a lot less clear when the -very- tight ties I have with my step-mother (Evelyn), half-sister (Tina), and (oddly) step-grandmother (Anna, Evelyn's mother). These are the rest of dad's 'clan'. I don't forsee -any- issues with the three of them even when I ram things to the breaking point. But dad's become increasingly adamant in his quest to lock me into place and bind me (via guilt or anything else handy), and grandfather... *shakes her head* My grandfather is a lost cause. I know this now. I'd maintained hope of at least bringing him to understand some of this.... hopes that were completely destroyed the day after Christmas. No, I"m not going to go into it; suffice it to say that it was very very bad, and was the reason for my post-Christmas moodcrash. So I'm now having to face the fact that both of them are in the 'losses' column of the final tally sheet, and I'm... not thrilled. Nor am I swayed. They're outside the bounds of what I'd normally consider 'acceptable losses', but I will no longer accept being supressed by uneducated hicks (and descendants of them) determined to make me live my life their way. *sigh* I'm me. Yes, I know that makes me 'odd'. I'm aware that I don't even fit the stereotypes within the trans community. I'm me. And I will -be- me. Which means that goodbyes are coming... and likely another screaming match or three. *cries* It likely makes no sense, but I'd somehow clung to the hope that dad... daddy... would understand.

And here come the excuses again. I'm so very tired; every step is double and triple thought, every moment continually reviewed and dissected and examined until I can somehow 'justify' the attitudes I face. But the simple fact is that I've worked so hard to be understanding and flexible that I've come perilously close to losing myself in the chaos... and I can't permit that. Not again. Especially not for people who're proving unwilling to extend even the most tentative understanding to me.

I allowed myself to become static.
I allowed myself to become stagnant.
I allowed myself to be stopped.

I will no longer permit that.

*exhale* The upshot of this is fairly simple, if brutal.
If who and what I am offends you, then unfriend me and go away. I don't need you.
If who and what I am offends your God and you're unwilling to see a viewpoint other than His/Hers/Theirs/Its, then unfriend me and go away. I don't need your headfscked God, either. Mine loves me, and I know it.
If who and what I am disturbs you, and you've stayed at my side because you believed I could be 'saved', then unfriend me and go away. You can't save someone from destiny. The only thing I need saving from is people like you.
If who and what I am distresses you, and you're one of the people allied to try and stop me from 'making a horrible mistake', then unfriend me and go away. The worst of the mistakes have been made, and now I'm going to /fix/ things; if my solution isn't satisfactory to you then go find someone that will listen.

This is MY year. I'll weep for every person I lose, for every person I'm forced to mow down, but I'll weep as I move.
This is MY year.

Comments

*HUG*

[lys1022.livejournal.com]

I think, Sis, that this is one of the most positive steps I've seen you take in a long time. It's a baby step, but such an important one.

You have our support in any way possible, you know that.

One small thing I may suggest in regards to the sodas, try looking at the many and assorted carbonated fruit waters that are out there. There are MANY with no sodium, and only 2 or 3 calories per bottle, and there are even several of them that taste pretty darned good. I've had a lot of luck with store brands. It will give you the fizziness and the sweetness, without the caffeine and high sugar / sodium counts.

If I can help you with inexpensive, healthy meal ideas...please let me know. I joke about how I should just take exams and become a nutritionist, because I feel like I know as much as most of the professionals after nearly 40 years of dieting.

Anyway, lurve you, babe...keep thinking and planning, and doing what you need to do in order to become healthy -- in mind and body.

[freakishspleen.livejournal.com]

George Foreman grills are the best!

[gconnor.livejournal.com]

*hug* Be well, dear.

If you're looking for baby steps in the direction of less soda, try one of these: 1. make sure you are drinking at least as much water as soda, preferably 4 pints or 2 liters PLUS the same amount as the soda. Or 2. substitute 1 soda daily for 1 glass of water with a squirt of lemon juice (maybe with 1 splenda if you're not allergic to the stuff)

(This implies 0. find a reliable source of good drinking water, and make it more convenient than reaching for a soda. If your tap water is not palatable, get a large-size brita-type filter. It can live in the fridge or by your desk depending on whether you like cold or room-temp h2o)

Hang in there!

[brianh]

*snugs* Those of us who love you for who you are-- who you, personally, are, and not what other (probably insane) people say you should be-- will be with you throughout your year. You've always got this bear for you. :)

[tarragon918.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} As you know, I'm obese and have been trying to diet (a true four letter word if there ever was one!). Here are some protein-rich snacks that work (well, somewhat!) for me: all-natural peanut butter (just ground peanuts, nothing added) on crackers; cheese sticks; no-fat plain yogurt (yea, I actually like this stuff) - I usually eat it with a piece of fruit, sometimes I have the peanut butter with the fruit. I've also been able to quit drinking sodas during the day at work. I got one of those large drink containers, at the beginning of the day I fill it with ice & water, then replenish it as needed. I sometimes get through two of them a day, believe it or not, and the container is 16 oz. at least, so that's a good 4 glasses. Better than I've ever done. Of course, it's also a good thing that the bathroom isn't far away. *LOL*

We love the Foreman Grill! We're on our third one, in fact. LOL I'm going to make a suggestion for you to look into; it's something that has worked for us and might be good for you. Check out SHARE. The website it: http://www.sharedc.org Yes, it's run by Catholic charities, BUT you get a really good deal on food for $16 a month, and they only ask that you give 2 hours of volunteer work/month, and to be honest, we haven't been able to volunteer for them yet so they don't really require it (I've got transportation issues; it's hard for me to get to where their warehouse is w/o a car). If you take a look at the monthly menu, you'll see that you get fresh fruits and veggies, meats and side dishes - a good selection of food, and cheaper than what you'd pay in the grocery store! At any rate, it's something to consider and might even help you out.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers too--it's so hard when your family, who is supposed to be your supporters and love you no matter what, makes things worse. I'm praying that they will see the light, but realistically the ones who need to the most probably won't. It's their loss, imo. You do have many friends who love you for you, though. Hang in there and keep on keeping on, hon!

[invader-tak-1.livejournal.com]

You now what made me lose weight? A surgery date,When you have a table date and you can only go if you reach X pounds. Its amazing it is to lay off the candy and the soda. I lost almost 100 pounds in six months.......

I only wish I could mange it now! :)

Whatever you do don't subsitute DIET soda! Among many other side effects it increases the craving for empty carbs! if you need sweets 100% no sugar added fruit juice. It goes a lot farther than soda and if you are a canny shopper the prices are not much worse.

"I have low blood sugar I CAN'T give up sweets it makes me nuts"

We've had our differences, but nothing we have not been able to work out in discussion. But I agree, the people who want you to remain "conveinent" for them don't love you, they love what they want you to be for them, and you do have to shake the ones loose who won't budge because they will fight you tooth and nail under the banner of "saving you" which is something they will do if they have to kill you to do it.

And FUCK the trans commuinity! You want to talk about unresonable demands, stereotypes, and enforced behavior, you cannot BEAT The trans coommunity! I'm not saying don't have trans friends, but individually. The trans community will use your "asssumed" membership in it as a blank check on your time, feelings and resources. And if you don't give it all and more whever its demanded you will be tagged as either "elitist" or "self hating"

And they will beat you with a standard of 'acceptibly feminine" every bit as restrictive and repressive as the standard of masculinity that some of your family would happily impose on you.


Did you actually have self appointed "saviors" on your LJ? :/

[sapphire-d.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I will stick with you and support you foreverishly. :)

Damn the man! Save the Empire!

[jarnol.livejournal.com]

Figured I'd post in from my sick bed and give you the thumbs up, huzzah, kudos thing for setting your mind to this.

Mind you, all I can think of now is 'I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it'