Of historical import? Probably not...
Feb. 15th, 2003 07:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzilla... but it is funny. This showed up in my email, and I thought I'd share it. Aside from the editorial comments, it's sadly accurate. :p
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing redflowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by British forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
---
Classic Quote:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld
There. I think I'm gonna go whomp on FF VII some more, now.
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan, the amused
The Complete Military History of France
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing redflowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by British forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
---
Classic Quote:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld
There. I think I'm gonna go whomp on FF VII some more, now.
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan, the amused
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
That's funny...
Date: 2003-02-16 10:44 am (UTC)Just because I found the post amusing doesn't mean that you know DIDDLY SQUAT about my political leanings. Maybe, if we ever meet, you might figure it out, but til then keep your assumptions to yourself.
~Frances the pissed~
Err...
Date: 2003-02-16 10:58 am (UTC)I will reiterate: The posting was not in ANY way concerned with the current goings on in Iraq. It's something that amused me as a student of history, and -nothing- else. What set me off later was that one of the folks who'd used private email to flame me was someone I had to deal with a steady stream of German and Romany ethnic jokes... and that another is excessively fond of Polish and Italian jokes. Three of those bloodlines flow through me...
~Ellie-chan
Re: Err...
Date: 2003-02-16 11:25 am (UTC)There's a tendency for friends of posters to jump all over anyone who is seen as 'flaming' a poster, to defend their friend. I do it myself. But the third person doesn't always know exactly what's going on, it can seem like an outside attack and like people are 'ganging up' on someone.
This would seem to be a perfect example of this.
If the conversation is taken to email it can be resolved without flamewars developing. (Which they would've if I'd been the person that posted the original comment there - I have a bad trait of never backing down from a fight online, especially in a case like this where someone else jumps in and has a go.)
Re: Err...
Date: 2003-02-16 12:29 pm (UTC)Re: Err...
Date: 2003-02-16 12:33 pm (UTC)Hmm - were you the one that sent the email to Ellie in the first place? Because you didn't say that, and otherwise it just looks like you're ranting at someone for no reason. :o)
Re: Err...
Date: 2003-02-16 12:19 pm (UTC)And I'm glad you and Rowan have that history. That's just lovely. However, the assumption in Rowan's post that people who found it to be funny hated the French or agreed with the crass mouthings of certain American government figures really really ticked me off. I have the right to speak my mind as well, dear. However, if it bothers you that much, I'll be quiet from now on.
~Frances~