Of historical import? Probably not...

[cabbitzilla]

... but it is funny. This showed up in my email, and I thought I'd share it. Aside from the editorial comments, it's sadly accurate. :p

The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing redflowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by British forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

---

Classic Quote:
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld

There. I think I'm gonna go whomp on FF VII some more, now.

*hugs*
~Ellie-chan, the amused

Comments

[m-masque.livejournal.com]

Oh, Mr President Chirac?

Would you consider allying yourself with Iraq?


Pretty please?


*hugs*

To their credit though, the French do have a credible fighting force; and not just the French Foreign Legion. It's just that they never seem to get the strategy and tactics together in time for whatever war they're currently fighting.

After all, it was French fighter jets and French made anti-ship missiles the Argentinians used to damage English vessels during the Faulklands War. Who'd've thought the Brits would be such poor sports as to use a jet designed for close air support of ground troops as a fighter jet and that the blasted bird would be good as one, too?

"m'Lord, the French are revolting!"

"So what else is new?"

Sorry if I've offended any francophile sensibilities; I speak in jest and welcome all to join in the laughter. Every other nation has had it's share of military screw-ups as well as screw-ups of all other sorts. Laugh at the Comedy, weep at the Tragedy, and use all the plays to learn to plan better for the future.

Masque

[rowandoll.livejournal.com]

I'm really getting sick of this.

We're supposed to root for the country that prefers to blast a tinpot dictator out of the water so that american oil cartels can get a favorable deal, while decry the -one- country on earth that -got- a favorable oil deal from that nation thirty years ago. Sour grapes, guys.

I understand the world hates the french for every conceivable reason. I like to think that at least one good thing came out of the french and specifically french colonialism.

Me.

[m-masque.livejournal.com]

I am not for war, but I am for making certain the world will be a safer place 5, 10, 20 years or more down the road. Is Bush the best man for the job at hand? Likely not. There is no best man for a job like this. Some of it may be his desire to 'finish his daddy's work,' and some is an actual desire to put an end to global terrorism.

We do not know all the facts involved. Perhaps in 20 years or so we shall. What is known is that there are ties between Iraq and Al-Qaeda even before the recent message supposedly released by bin-Laden. The CIA has stridently denied it, but Iraq has been offering haven for operatives in return for assassinating some Kurdish leaders. And Saddam Hussein's ability to skirt around the UN resolutions has been a matter of record since the first Gulf War.

If the UN-backed inspections can lead to a disarmament, that is all for the better. However, it's been the increasing threat of force that has lead to each grudging concession Saddam has made. While France and Russia have financial reasons for not backing any attack on Iraq that date back to times much more recent than thirty years ago, that does not excuse France or Germany from backing out of treaty agreements that have been in effect since the founding of NATO. Not backing a possible war is one thing; refusing aid to a treaty partner in case of retaliation is something else altogether.


There are many cans of worms out there, and things are likely to get worse before they get better.