(no subject)
Jan. 12th, 2003 12:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaI have erred most grievously. I permitted myself to relax and let down the guards and filters that keep insanity at bay. The result is this morning's carnage, my rambling and almost incoherent LJ posting, and followed by a rather bumpy conversation with someone dear to me. In my efforts to flee from the pain, I submerged myself in the pain of another, and got burned. Given the circumstances, I got no less than I deserved.
Metropolis, for me, carried far more impact than it does for most; this compounded the error and crashed me despite the rather stiff dosage of anti-depressants I'm currently on. So what would normally have left me a bit sad, and thoughtful, instead wreaked utter havoc... I need to work harder to maintain the line between real and perceived, it seems. But on the other side of it, I... don't think I'm building my expectations into something the film was not; I believe that I saw and heard exactly what was intended by the creator. Whether others gain the full measure from the feature is not my department; each will take what they can and move on, as is their wont.
Rejection, pain, and fear of what I may or may not be are all themes that hit me very hard. Metropolis as a work (to my perception of the piece) is not content to simply step on those pedals; it looks around for large chunks of concrete, intent on achieving maximum impact. It's more than a bit difficult to explain, really... each person's experiences tend to color their outlook and perceptions, and there are things that I've had to deal with down through the years that would make others scream in panic and flee. It simply is who I am, who/what-ever that may be. Some of my experiences squick others simply through the telling of them; I cannot begin to even fathom how those individuals would have dealt with the actual event.
I'm extremely sensative, and I admit it. I see, hear, and feel on levels that leave my even therapist shaking her head in mute disbelief. She was startled to find out in our private session that I'd not only scoped her reaction to the earlier group meeting, but that of the other therapist as well, and offered some observer information that left her staring at me in shock. That alone tells me that I'm not 'talking out of my ass' with my observations; what I see is all too real sometimes. But much of that comes from working in an environment where a telltale eyemovement can offer a clue as to whether you're going to be spending the next two minutes trying to dodge a hail of incoming bullets... or whether that until-now-passive drunk at the end of the bar is going to flake out and go violent, necessitating me wading in and smacking him down. Yeah, I've worked some interesting jobs.
And the end result is that often times what will be a momentary sadness for most will be a crushing blow to me. If given some time to get my thoughts back in order, I can pull myself out of the nosedive... but trying to speak about it coherently before then is a -massive- mistake. Thank you to those who expressed their support; I really am okay, and I've got my wits back in what passes nowadays for 'order'. And to the one I tried desperately to have a conversation with earlier today, I'm terribly sorry. Please try not to be too angry with me, though I quite likely deserve a good paddling for my behavior. I'll take the punishment without qualm. At any rate, I've been blabbering on here for some time now, and should probably post this silly entry before my computer crashes and takes all these lovely thoughts with it. :p
*hugs and cuddles*
~Ellie-chan
Metropolis, for me, carried far more impact than it does for most; this compounded the error and crashed me despite the rather stiff dosage of anti-depressants I'm currently on. So what would normally have left me a bit sad, and thoughtful, instead wreaked utter havoc... I need to work harder to maintain the line between real and perceived, it seems. But on the other side of it, I... don't think I'm building my expectations into something the film was not; I believe that I saw and heard exactly what was intended by the creator. Whether others gain the full measure from the feature is not my department; each will take what they can and move on, as is their wont.
Rejection, pain, and fear of what I may or may not be are all themes that hit me very hard. Metropolis as a work (to my perception of the piece) is not content to simply step on those pedals; it looks around for large chunks of concrete, intent on achieving maximum impact. It's more than a bit difficult to explain, really... each person's experiences tend to color their outlook and perceptions, and there are things that I've had to deal with down through the years that would make others scream in panic and flee. It simply is who I am, who/what-ever that may be. Some of my experiences squick others simply through the telling of them; I cannot begin to even fathom how those individuals would have dealt with the actual event.
I'm extremely sensative, and I admit it. I see, hear, and feel on levels that leave my even therapist shaking her head in mute disbelief. She was startled to find out in our private session that I'd not only scoped her reaction to the earlier group meeting, but that of the other therapist as well, and offered some observer information that left her staring at me in shock. That alone tells me that I'm not 'talking out of my ass' with my observations; what I see is all too real sometimes. But much of that comes from working in an environment where a telltale eyemovement can offer a clue as to whether you're going to be spending the next two minutes trying to dodge a hail of incoming bullets... or whether that until-now-passive drunk at the end of the bar is going to flake out and go violent, necessitating me wading in and smacking him down. Yeah, I've worked some interesting jobs.
And the end result is that often times what will be a momentary sadness for most will be a crushing blow to me. If given some time to get my thoughts back in order, I can pull myself out of the nosedive... but trying to speak about it coherently before then is a -massive- mistake. Thank you to those who expressed their support; I really am okay, and I've got my wits back in what passes nowadays for 'order'. And to the one I tried desperately to have a conversation with earlier today, I'm terribly sorry. Please try not to be too angry with me, though I quite likely deserve a good paddling for my behavior. I'll take the punishment without qualm. At any rate, I've been blabbering on here for some time now, and should probably post this silly entry before my computer crashes and takes all these lovely thoughts with it. :p
*hugs and cuddles*
~Ellie-chan
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-01-12 03:11 am (UTC)I wasn't angry with you. I pulled myself from the conversation before I could become angry. I can't handle discussions that involve loops without solutions. There's no way I could explain to you what we were discussing. You make assumptions about people that aren't true. You can't see something that is ever-present as even being possible. As such, how can I even try to explain it to you.
As for your posit that Rintaro, the director of Metropolis, had something more than 'Spiffy imagery' in mind; I can't agree. Rintaro is the master of style over substance, deliberately using visual triggers in the absence of real emotion. One needs only look at his cinema classic, 'X' to see what I mean. Throughout Metropolis, I was awed by the imagery, but I constantly felt that I was being used. Everything, from the music, to the city, to the deliberate use of Tezuka's style was used deliberately to exploit emotion. (Keep in mind that Tezuka -refused- Rintaro's repeated requests to film Metropolis. Tezuka did not capitualte. Rintaro simply waited until Tezuka was dead.)
I do think you read too much into things. It consistently costs you. But, as with many things in your life, though it causes you tremendous pain, you cling to it. Nothing can be done for that.
I don't understand your request for punishment at all. Just because my feelings are out of sorts doesn't mean you deserve punishment. If you did, why would you spend countless paragraphs defending yourself? You're your own person. How I feel is irrelevant.
And you're -never- getting Final Fantasy VII.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-12 05:10 am (UTC)There is no punishment necessary on the part of either of you.
But, if you both really want to punish yourselves... I propose a boxing ring and either the foam baseball bats of those inflatable "Sockem Bopper" gloves.
DINGDINGDING!!!!
Masque