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cabbitzilla...
Anyone that's read my journal for more than a couple of months knows that things have long been 'sour' between Megan and I. A near-constant state of warfare, inconsiderate behavior (some of it *gasp* mine!), and a complete lack of common ground or communications methods stack up into a Hatfield & McCoy armed camp stance that's never far from cataclysm. The top 3 explosion issues are, from mild to wild
Money's become the top issue since I went back to work. For an apartment where the rent is $979/month, somehow my 'fair share' is $900/month. It's been a bone of contention, more and more often, but I'd always shied away from the "okay, lay it ALL out, and now here's half so go f*ck yourself and find your half in someone else's pocket". This morning, I got pushed. This morning, I discovered that I'd been pushed so often and so far, that I couldn't even SEE 'the line' that isn't supposed to be crossed (wherever the hell it is, it ain't where I am). This morning I erupted.
In private. Megan opted to deliver the latest financial gimme via email, after I was already at work. Fortunately, I was at work alone, so I was able to go into the kitchen, close the door, and then rant at the ice machine until I was at least rational. Well, sorta. And then I went back out to the desk I'd camped at for the day, and pounded out an email response.
And then deleted it when, on rereading, every fourth word was 'f*ck' and it sounded like a rant from 2. ... don't ask. If you know 2, you know what I'm talking about. If not, just... skip it. Anyway, I trashed the first one, then hammered out a second. On re-read, it was terse and very blunt, bordering on brutal, but stopped just short of calling her a thief outright. As a bit of insurance, I BCC'd Crys on it, knowing that if I'd stepped over the line she'd tell me and I could attempt to backpedal or drop a section. Apparently my email passed muster, and Crys and I got talking on the supposed bills and trying to figure out where the apparent operating figure of $1800/month (which is two even $900 shares) was coming from.
In a move that I'm sure she'll come to regret, Crys let me suck her into this; I know she can be rational and reasoned with it. She's -my- friend, but she's one of the most honest people I know, and can be trusted to smack me upside the head if I turn out to be way off base. But if my suspicions are right and I'm really carrying 75-80% of the load, I'll already have my choice of negotiators on site. If I'm already covering most of it, then where is all of Megan's money going, and why is she borrowing from me? Why am I counting dimes to put fuel in the truck? And the biggest question: If I'm already paying the bulk of things, then why the bloody f*ck am I having to put up with her codependent bullshit and get NOTHING in return?
*exhale*
Yes, this is typically what a long absence from posting means; things are bad, talking about it isn't gonna help, and it's the same old bullsh*t over and over again. I go silent, having nothing new/different to say, because I hate beating folks over the head with the same ...er... dead horse. Nuts. I'm mixing metaphors, which means I'm still far angrier than I though. At any rate, some folks had made quiet asides about wanting to know what was really going on, so here it is. This is it. This is me trying desperately to bring to a close the worst mistake I've ever made, and close dealings with someone who's proven themselves alien and incomprehensible.
My life is hemmed in by frustration, pain, fatigue, and anger. There're a handful of folk here locally that bring bright spots into my life, and another group roughly the same size of folks I connect with on-line that I require to live. My support network is what keeps me going... without them I'd simply vanish under the pressure. But... well, this is what's under the surface. Welcome to hell. :(
Anyone that's read my journal for more than a couple of months knows that things have long been 'sour' between Megan and I. A near-constant state of warfare, inconsiderate behavior (some of it *gasp* mine!), and a complete lack of common ground or communications methods stack up into a Hatfield & McCoy armed camp stance that's never far from cataclysm. The top 3 explosion issues are, from mild to wild
- gender/sexuality
- her boyfriend/love life
- money
Money's become the top issue since I went back to work. For an apartment where the rent is $979/month, somehow my 'fair share' is $900/month. It's been a bone of contention, more and more often, but I'd always shied away from the "okay, lay it ALL out, and now here's half so go f*ck yourself and find your half in someone else's pocket". This morning, I got pushed. This morning, I discovered that I'd been pushed so often and so far, that I couldn't even SEE 'the line' that isn't supposed to be crossed (wherever the hell it is, it ain't where I am). This morning I erupted.
In private. Megan opted to deliver the latest financial gimme via email, after I was already at work. Fortunately, I was at work alone, so I was able to go into the kitchen, close the door, and then rant at the ice machine until I was at least rational. Well, sorta. And then I went back out to the desk I'd camped at for the day, and pounded out an email response.
And then deleted it when, on rereading, every fourth word was 'f*ck' and it sounded like a rant from 2. ... don't ask. If you know 2, you know what I'm talking about. If not, just... skip it. Anyway, I trashed the first one, then hammered out a second. On re-read, it was terse and very blunt, bordering on brutal, but stopped just short of calling her a thief outright. As a bit of insurance, I BCC'd Crys on it, knowing that if I'd stepped over the line she'd tell me and I could attempt to backpedal or drop a section. Apparently my email passed muster, and Crys and I got talking on the supposed bills and trying to figure out where the apparent operating figure of $1800/month (which is two even $900 shares) was coming from.
In a move that I'm sure she'll come to regret, Crys let me suck her into this; I know she can be rational and reasoned with it. She's -my- friend, but she's one of the most honest people I know, and can be trusted to smack me upside the head if I turn out to be way off base. But if my suspicions are right and I'm really carrying 75-80% of the load, I'll already have my choice of negotiators on site. If I'm already covering most of it, then where is all of Megan's money going, and why is she borrowing from me? Why am I counting dimes to put fuel in the truck? And the biggest question: If I'm already paying the bulk of things, then why the bloody f*ck am I having to put up with her codependent bullshit and get NOTHING in return?
*exhale*
Yes, this is typically what a long absence from posting means; things are bad, talking about it isn't gonna help, and it's the same old bullsh*t over and over again. I go silent, having nothing new/different to say, because I hate beating folks over the head with the same ...er... dead horse. Nuts. I'm mixing metaphors, which means I'm still far angrier than I though. At any rate, some folks had made quiet asides about wanting to know what was really going on, so here it is. This is it. This is me trying desperately to bring to a close the worst mistake I've ever made, and close dealings with someone who's proven themselves alien and incomprehensible.
My life is hemmed in by frustration, pain, fatigue, and anger. There're a handful of folk here locally that bring bright spots into my life, and another group roughly the same size of folks I connect with on-line that I require to live. My support network is what keeps me going... without them I'd simply vanish under the pressure. But... well, this is what's under the surface. Welcome to hell. :(
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-17 05:58 pm (UTC)