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[cabbitzilla]

so what can I tell you
if life's the length of this play
perhaps God gave the answers
to those with nothing to say

the years are forgiven
if God's forgiving and kind
perhaps we'll all find the answers
somewhere in time
somewhere in ...

you were never one for waiting
still I always thought you'd wait for me
and have you from your dreams awakened
and from where you are what do you see

which of us is now in exile
which in need of amnesty
are you now but an illusion
in my mind alone you breathe

you believed in things that I will never know
you were out there drowning but it never showed
til inside a rainswept night you just let go

You've thrown it all away
and now we'll never see the ending to the play
the grand design, the final line
and what was meant to be

in the dark a distant runner
now has disappeared into the night
leaving us to stand and wonder
staring from this end into your life

you believed in things that I will never know
you were out there drowning but it never showed
til inside a rainswept night you just let go

you've thrown it all away
and now we'll never see the ending to the play
the grand design, the final line
and what was meant to be...

As upset as I was about the items that went on the 'destroyed' list yesterday, there were a handful of items I'd not found yet. Of the missing... there were two items... irreplaceable... items I valued more than my life. One of them had been part of saving me from willful ending of my life. The other represented the brightest and happiest moment I've ever known.

Granted use of Crys' Explorer to get to a doctor's appointment, I looped over to the house afterwards to load it with what I'd salvaged thus far. The loading went far quicker than I'd anticipated... so I opened the addition back up to get a bit more work done. The remaining boxes were the worst ones, which wasn't helping the tight knot of dread that's been preventing me from sleeping. Every box I'd opened without finding the items I sought made it a bit larger.

I found them. Both of them. And then crumbled to the floor and sobbed until the tears stopped flowing. Until I could gather the strength to take the remains into the house to be disposed of the only way fitting.

The wood stove in the fireplace has only been used once in the last three years, but the flue still functioned. And once I had a solid fire going, I added the Collar that Lady Winter had snugged around my neck so many years ago. Two tiny shreds of leather and velvet, still trying to cling to a buckle so badly deteriorated that it crumbled in my hands. The second... the tailored blazer with my Lady's house sigil stitched over the left breast... rotted through, in pieces no bigger than my palm, the sigil itself only still existing in my memory. And I sat and cried more, watching the flames consume the last tokens of my Service. Fire was my Lady's chosen favorite; stoking the fireplace in Her bedroom a task She insisted on doing. It wasn't until She christened me Her secretary that anyone else ever touched the tools on that hearth.

I put myself back together long enough to get back to the apartment with the truck. I'll need to do so again when it's time to go get Crys and return the keys. Right now... right this moment, I'm half wishing for a massive coronary. I'm not allowed to initiate it, or through inaction permit it... but I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling lost and isolated. I just want the pain to stop. Just random thoughts; nothing I can act upon. As badly as I'm crying right now, I know I'm supposed to keep moving... and I'll obey as best I can. I'm supposed to keep fighting... I'm hoping that moving suffices.

It's all I have left to offer.

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