(no subject)

It's been... a very long day.

Grandma's on the mend; what was originally feared to be liver failure seems instead to be the passing of a gall stone, and the failure of her gall bladder (which knocked everything /else/ slideways). Her color's back, she's in no pain, and she's getting feisty with the nurses and anyone nearby. Another might be viewed as a pain in the butt, but she manages it all with a wry sense of humor that leaves everyone laughing. It's possible she'll be released from the hospital tomorrow afternoon; the docs are already talking about discharge and limited diet with her. Which takes a MAJOR load off of me.

There're more than a few friends, both old and new, that lent prayers for this. I owe each of you a debt; of all my blood relatives, my maternal grandmother is the only one that eclipses my father in my eyes. Without her, I never would've finished school... without her, I'd've been mostly on the street at age 9, instead of age 14. Without her, there would have been no leavening force to keep my mother and I from each other's throats. Anyone that likes my often wry sense of humor... it comes from her. My stubborn persistence in the face of mayhem... it comes from her. My faith in God... was taught to me at her knee. It was my grandmother that guilt-tripped my mom into letting me join the band. When things went wrong at the school, it was her that interceded (and on one occaision, she STOOD on the principal's desk and ranted at him until he saw things her way... you think /I/ am scary mad? I used to describe her to friends as '4'10" of barely restrained bottled lightning'... and not one of them disputed it after meeting her). Time and again, when things went utterly pear shaped, she was at my side pounding things into place again. For years, she was the only one willing to champion my cause. While we have definitely had issues down through the years, it's incredibly rare that anyone will hear me speak of her unless it's in tones of respect and near awe. For someone half my size, she's a very powerful and formidable woman. *soft snicker* Mom says I take after her... and I don't think Mom realizes I took it as a compliment. :p

...

I need at this point to make a formal, public apology to Megan. She may never actually see it, but... the vitriol I poured out the last few days was far and away more than she deserved. The root problem is the vast gulf of difference between her method of dealing with disaster and mine - she's the type that worries and frets and at any given time may be in hysterics. Me... I learned the hard way that going to pieces in a crisis makes you a target... that most folks are incapable of keeping their heads in the middle of a disaster... and that losing control when the shit hits the fan virtually guarantees irrevocable catastrophe. I learned these lessons by losing people that were very very precious to me... in some ... decidedly unpleasant ways.

When I get nailed, there's a brief burst of hysterics and then it's literally all business. Emotions and conscience and social niceties shut down almost entirely... which turns me into a very large, very strong robot with a fixed focus. Anything that gets in the way of that focus it dealt with in the most expedient manner possible and then left behind. The folks that are adamant that I'm a biological machine are the ones that've been run down while I was in damage control mode. Ten years ago it only took one major snafu to put me into that type of movement; nowadays, in the wake of the strokes and fms, it takes a string of them. But the end result is the same: no pain, accelerated reflexes, hyper aware of my surroundings, and completely focused on whatever goal will pull things back out of the abyss. Given my normal fog, it'd be a perfect solution... except for the lack of emotion and concern for myself and the others around me.

Sunday afternoon, Megan met the facet of me that an old boyfriend had compared (rather nastily) with a contract killer. It... was not a pleasant meeting. :( The venom that got dumped here was, for the most part, driven solely by the rage of having my focus balked by someone I thought knew better. She and I definitely have issues to work through... but threatening to kill her at the hospital was out of line by any definition. I've tried for years to lock my temper down... and the idea of it breaking out of those controls scares me near to death. Knowing that she and I are completely opposed in opinions and methodology, I need to quit reacting like a rattlesnake that's been stepped on.
...

That said.... *sigh* I'm tired. Tonight, on my way back to the hospital with the good news about my grandmother, my composure finally cracked and that tight web of hypercontrol shattered... leaving me sobbing brokenly behind the wheel of a mid-90s Saturn in the middle of a torrential downpour. I fought with it and wrestled with it, and had things locked back down by the mid point of the trip home... and realized that for whatever reason, going home right then was going to be a Bad Thing. I looked around, and realized I was only a quarter mile from a very close friend's house, and opted to be unusual (for me) and drop in unannounced. It proved to be, for the most part, a good choice. With my composure shattered... *sigh* Crys, love, I'm so sorry I dumped all that on you. You'd done ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve being hauled through the haunted portions of my memories. :( There... are reasons why most folks are blissfully unaware of most of those bits... I've had too many folks bolt in terror when they realized what a vile person I really am. There're only one or two that know enough to be able to guess at the missing pieces; there are pieces there that I've not spoken aloud in over a decade. I... I'm sorry. *sigh* I owe you so much... please forgive me....

I finally got back out on the road... two hours later than I'd originally intended. And when I got home, I found out what that odd dread of returning earlier in the evening was all about: in my haste to get rolling earlier today, I'd left a chat window open on the G3... with some very scathing comments about Megan in the scrollback. I spent the better part of an hour getting her calmed down. The external stuff wasn't bad enough; my own carelessness brought that down on my neck. Fortunately, a quick run to fetch a flat of donuts seems to have soothed those rough edges; I wish my creditors were as easy to please. Fuck yeah, I'll buy donuts for everybody if they'll just promise to leave me alone after...

*sigh* Tomorrow while she's at work I'll try and run some numbers... I've got a very nasty suspicion that this little string of horrors is going to create a financial shortfall. I'm praying that it's a relatively small amount... but I won't know until tomorrow. I've taken my evening meds, and am just waiting to crash.... and hoping for real sleep now that grandma's off my mental 'critical' list. I'm so worn I'm having problems keeping myself uprightish enough to type. I'm kinda propped up on an old gatorade bottle... and have been pondering the use of toothpics to keep my eyes open. I keep waving the idea off; the way my luck's been I'd put my own eyes out and then I'd REALLY be fscked.

*wobbles* Okay. 's time to put the ellie into bed. If someone out there happens to have a direct line to God, please put in a request for an LoA for me? I know He listens to me, but the answers I'm getting are... not to my tastes. :p

WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*thud* zzzzzzzz

(no subject)

The New Medicare Prescription Plan Enrollment Guide.

I found it via filkertom, who found it HERE.

Crys, this is of particular interest to you, both from the perspective of your current career AND because you've specifically asked me about it. It should understand why I snorted in disgust when asked about it.

For the record... that diagram is NOT an exaggeration; it'd may actually be a simplification.

Thank you, Shrub, for managing to screw me one more time. May the fleas of a thousand camels find your bed. And may your wife give you five healthy sons that all look like Saddam Hussein.

In other news:
My grandmother's been released from the hospital. She's on a rather limited diet, but the doctors are now fairly certain that the jaundice and pain were caused by the passing of a gall stone. Once she's recovered, she'll have to have the gall bladder removed, but she's as out of danger as any of us can be. I've spent a good bit of the last twenty four hours going to pieces... with the crisis over, it's now safe to collapse.

Thank you, each and every one of you, for your prayers and support. My grandmother might well be the most precious member of my blood family; I owe her more than I could describe if I ranted for fifty pages. Thank you, my friends. Thank you, God.

I'm ... trying to pull the pieces back together, but it's proving a bit difficult. I'm hoping some rest will leaven the harsh tones of my past few entries.

Many many thanks to the handful of folks that kept up a steady barrage of pictures and information tailored to my rather odd interests (and fetishes); I owe you much for each of the smiles you offered me.

Thanks and abject apologies got to Crys, who got hauled bodily through the nightmares of my past last night. My intent in stopping by was merely to relax for an hour or so with friends.