(no subject)

This is borrowed from nightambre... we got a good giggle over hers. I wonder if she'll like mine?
( This is kinda raunchy, and generally non-relevent to things... if you're easily offended, just skip this, okie? Thanks! :) )

*hugs*
~Ellie-chan

System Reset and Reboot

The last couple of days have been... bumpy. 'Personally Traumatic' would probably be a better word.

Saturday featured a verbal firefight with Megan in the middle of gaming that left everyone staring at me... I suspect they were alternately trying to figure out what had crawled up her butt and died ... and whether I was going to counterattack. I opted at the time to simply present an inflexible, immobile brick wall to her, let her batter herself out, and then turned back to the game and moved on. It'll likely be a while before I play Axis & Allies with her again... but having her end up as the UK, and me as Germany, was simply begging for trouble. While I -suck- at playing Russia, I've not lost while playing Germany. Given how things turned out, I -should- have gone for the first round kill on the UK... oh well. The incident was (surprisingly) intelligently talked out that night. I figured it was done with.

Sunday is Hackmaster day. Some bash this game system, I find it amusing. As we resumed our adventure, it was noted that the Elf in the group (Megan's char), was being decidedly antagonistic to the 'designated alternate Party Leader' (the party leader's an alcoholic... I'm the backup for when she's sloshed). I shrugged it off for the most part, but it slowly got under my skin. I made an IC comment designed to simply be a potshot at said Elf's heritage.... and it resulted in a barfight that nearly killed the Elf. Impaling damage from a -beer stein-... 17 or 18 points worth. Can you say 'ow'? I got blamed for that as well, despite my protests that I'm -not- a mind reader. Emotions are different. So she was pissed off at me again.

Sunday night brought on a ... rather nasty mood crash. Possibly one of the worst I've had in years. Fortunately, Megan had long since gone to bed... being asked 50 times an hour if I'm all right when I'm obviously not all right and nothing's changed, in the 3.2 minutes since the -last- time she asked... well, it doesn't get the best of reactions from me. *sigh* Apparently 'Don't touch me, leave me alone, go away!' isn't as clear as I'd thought it was. Anyway... the alarm finally sounded to get up and prep for the morning appointment at Omni House...and yesterday morning's post is a direct window into what was left of my mind. While the 'people anxiety' is still -very- much there in my mind, I've got it locked down enough to try and function somewhat. I... still very much am in 'hide in the closet and hope they don't see me' mode... likely why this is rambling a bit. The effort required to be up and about is exhausting.

Today is... here. And I'm living proof that it's possible to desperately want a hug... and be deathly afraid that someone will show up and try...

~Ellie-chan

(no subject)

*sigh*

Yesterday's visit to the rheumatologist -did- net something that had brightened my spirits a bit: a prescription for Remeron SolTabs... one of the very few meds that enable me to sleep. That prescription was part of the reason that my rather bleak mood lightened as the evening wore on; I was looking forward to some rest.

Megan just got home... on her lunch break, she'd put the prescriptions in to be filled. On her way home, she stopped to pick them up... and discovered that there's no way in hell we can afford the Remeron. 90 tablets is $321.99 plus any applicable taxes.

The Fentanyl patch I wear has been doubled in strength... maybe the 50's will offer more respite than the 25's did. Hopefully that'll be enough to let me get -some- sleep even without the Remeron.

I had forgotten that the pharmaceutical companies follow the Golden Rule: He who has the GOLD makes the RULES.

*sigh*
~Ellie-chan