(no subject)

[cabbitzilla]

i tried again tonight
tried to explain
tried to make her understand

i failed

what she understands is that i'm being mean
what she understands is that i'm being hurtful
what she understands is that i'm deliberately being difficult

she doesn't understand the panic
she doesn't understand the pain
she doesn't understand how little there is left of me

i'm out of mental duct tape; there are too many pieces

i was asked today if i'd be willing to check myself into the hospital
the idea was considered. greatly considered
i'm not sure i made the right choice.

when i tried to explain, i told her
i told her what was offered.. and that it was considered
her response was a waspish 'maybe you should have, then'

maybe i should have

Comments

[brianh]

*hugs tightly* Oh, sweetie.

[nightambre.livejournal.com]

Hon...? Please, if you need me, call me. Get on AIM, anything. I'm worried.

[rowandoll.livejournal.com]

It's almost over. Please be strong.

[wibbble]

*holds you*

you're in my thoughts, dearest Ellie.

Hey...

[lys1022.livejournal.com]

You're going to make it, dear. I have no doubts. Of course, I'm not promising rose gardens but you will make it through.

As to the other...well...she never has been a strong person, that's part of why you two got together to begin with. She's going to have bouts of self-pity and she's never going to see it in any light other than how it effects her. That's sad, but it's how it is. She's not going to understand, dearest. I know how much you want her to understand, but it's not going to happen. If it were happening to someone 'outside', she might, but she's mixed in too closely and can only see how it's turning her own life upside-down. Some people can get past that, but I doubt she'll ever be one of them.

At this point you need to stop trying to help her understand. It's been explained in more ways than even I can count. Focus on you. Do what you have to do to move forward and to resolve the past. I love you, and I still remember liking her. If anything, I pity her. She's clinging to something that has to end at some point, and she refuses to acknowledge it. It will be hard for her. Possibly just as hard as it is for you. I know that's hard to believe, but it's possible that it's true. Unfortunately, if you try to remain as you both are, you'll end up killing yourself and possibly her.

You can't make her understand, and you can't make her see that it will be for the best in the end. All that you can do is keep pushing forward and save yourself. Hopefully she'll reach a point of maturity where she realizes that she has to stand up on her own two feet and save herself.

Or she'll find someone to do her saving for her.

Either way, you've been more than accomodating in terms of not just walking away. You've certainly been nicer than I would've been.

Hang in there and don't let her drag you down in any attempts to keep you where you are.

Love you!