Confusion, Sorrow, and Shades of Anger
Oct. 16th, 2002 03:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaBefore I launch off into what may well be another marathon post... those of you that were supportive, thank you. While one or two of my faithful readers had an inkling to some of what was there, there were confessions and such in yesterday's post that were only known by me... and by the dead. I think it was the single most difficult thing I've done to date; I cried nearly the entire time I was working on it, trying to let free some of the demons that have haunted me for twenty or more years while still retaining a semblance of readability. The support I got back left me feeling truly warm inside for the first time in months, a sensation that I simply don't get often. Yes, Frances, I know I should believe in my friends, and I know I should expect warmth and kindness, but...
At any rate, yesterday's post saw three folks comment to me, one to themselves, eight to hunt me down on the net and deliver hugs in VRperson, and I spent nearly 2 hours on the phone after with one of those last. And while worries were expressed at different points, varying by individual, of the twelve only one had anything negative to say. *shakes her head* We're gonna deal with that one first, because quite frankly it's bugging the bloody hell out of me.
< pissed off >
Sweetie, you need to get a clue and just -accept- the fact that I love you. I'm not a freakin stalker, I just happen to be someone that thinks you're really nifty, someone with lots of interesting things to say and do, someone who's company I -wildly- enjoy. I am well aware of your circumstances, and only want to help brighten your existance a bit. Long ago you pinged me /hard/ for not being able to accept praise and compliments, and I thought about it for a long time and then set about fixing that. DO THE SAME. Great Maker, loathing and teeth-gnashing isn't exactly what I expected for a chaste 'I love you'. *grumbles* You're one of what I consider to be family, my far Inner Circle of trusted people... *sigh* The /only/ thing about you that makes you remotely unlovable is your ferocious determination to loudly proclaim to any and all that you are remotely unlovable. Quit it. I love you, just like I love Frances, Marcia, Brian, Shado, and Nette. It's a family love, not a sprawl-on-the-floor-and-stare-up-with-'fsck-me'-eyes love. There's a time and a place for such things.
< /pissed off >
In the meantime, it's another grey and rainy day here in EllieVille. While they make for achey days, it really wouldn't be so bad if the house weren't leaking. Next to my computer. Profusely. I've got the area 'sandbagged' with towels, and am making plans to relocate the machines as soon as the ten tonnes of clean laundry ( I went on a washing binge yesterday... seven oversized loads...) gets folded up and put away. I -think- I know what's causing the leak, but it's something I can't get to without going up on the roof - that'll require a dry day, and while I'm up there I'll fix the stupid TV antenna. Again. I think the C clamps are starting to rustrot...
Megan's off at work, leaving the house quiet but for me, the piggie, and my music. Almost peaceful, really. This journal is an unknown as far as she's concerned. She knows that I'm once again active in keeping a journal... she also knows that the last few days have seen some incredibly 'heavy' material going into it... and disregarded it in favor of commenting on how tired she is again. I... it saddens me to know that my thoughts mean so very little to her, but I really should have expected it. But I can tell you the status of every one of her sewing projects, what the project is waiting on, and why.
I seem to be slowly getting a handle on reigning in my smoking. Over the last few months my habit had expanded back up to nearly a pack a day again; far too expensive to maintain, detrimental to my health, the works. Monday I had six cigarettes. Yesterday I had three. And although I'm getting ready to go have one now, it will be my first today. The removal of smoking is one of the initial steps in remaking myself... yes, Frances, I'm -well- aware that changes need to be made, and I'm attempting to start. When the time comes to move, it will be necessary to complete the drastic changes in one push or it'll all be for naught... and then I can focus on finding a household that will want me. What I've got on my rather tentative list so far is as follows:
My current perpective on it is that the first -four- are viable pursuits regardless of what Megan does or doesn't do. At the accomplishment of those four, if she still hasn't moved, then... things will get a bit pushy, I think. I'm still trying to balance Honor against Need; it's a difficult equation to be sure, but none of the first four change it... that makes them 'safe' interim pursuits. I'm actively working on the smoking, and my weight is slowly dropping. I'm roughly 65-70# from my target weight. Endurance is simply going to be a matter of making myself -move-. Yesterday's mondo laundry effort is a good start there... maybe I'll try and get the living room cleaned today. Or more of the dishes. This house is driving me to distraction...
My weight goal may seem a bit high, until some other things are factored in. First, I'm 6'3"... that puts the 'medical standard' target at 220. The fact that my build seems to be of the particularly dense variety complicates things, and jumps it to 245 or so. That'll leave 15# of raw mass for me to work off while I'm trying to rebuild my stamina, ne? Well, it makes sense to me... we'll just have to see how it works.
Anyway, I'll quit babbling for the moment. I love you all. Yes, ALL. Cope.
*curtsies, hugs, and friendly smooches*
~Ellie-chan
Lyric of Note:
In The Silence Of The Darkness When All Are Fast Asleep
I Live Inside A Dream Calling To Your Spirit
As A Sail Calls The Wind Hear The Angels Sing
Far Beyond The Sun Across The Western Sky
Reach Into The Blackness Find A Silver Line
In A Voice I Whisper A Candle In The Night
We’ll Carry All Our Dreams On A Single Beam Of Light
Close Your Eyes Look Into The Dream
Winds Of Change Will Winds Of Fortune Bring
Fly Away To A Rainbow In The Sky
Gold Is At The End For Each Of Us To Find
There The Road Begins Where Another One Will End
Here The Four Winds Know Who Will Break And Who Will Bend
All To Be The Master Of The Wind
Falling Stars Now Light My Way
My Life Was Written On The Wind
Clouds Above Clouds Below
High Ascend The Dreams Within
When The Wind Fills The Sky The Clouds Will Move Aside
And There Will Be The Road To All Our Dreams
And For Any Day That Stings Two Better Days It Brings
Nothing Is As Bad As It Seems
Close Your Eyes Look Into The Dream
Winds Of Change Will Winds Of Fortune Bring
Fly Away To A Rainbow In The Sky
Gold Is At The End For Each Of Us To Find
There The Road Begins Where Another One Will End
Here The Four Winds Know Who Will Break And Who Will Bend
All To Be The Master Of The Wind
'The Master of the Wind', from Manowar's 'Triumph of Steel'
At any rate, yesterday's post saw three folks comment to me, one to themselves, eight to hunt me down on the net and deliver hugs in VRperson, and I spent nearly 2 hours on the phone after with one of those last. And while worries were expressed at different points, varying by individual, of the twelve only one had anything negative to say. *shakes her head* We're gonna deal with that one first, because quite frankly it's bugging the bloody hell out of me.
< pissed off >
Sweetie, you need to get a clue and just -accept- the fact that I love you. I'm not a freakin stalker, I just happen to be someone that thinks you're really nifty, someone with lots of interesting things to say and do, someone who's company I -wildly- enjoy. I am well aware of your circumstances, and only want to help brighten your existance a bit. Long ago you pinged me /hard/ for not being able to accept praise and compliments, and I thought about it for a long time and then set about fixing that. DO THE SAME. Great Maker, loathing and teeth-gnashing isn't exactly what I expected for a chaste 'I love you'. *grumbles* You're one of what I consider to be family, my far Inner Circle of trusted people... *sigh* The /only/ thing about you that makes you remotely unlovable is your ferocious determination to loudly proclaim to any and all that you are remotely unlovable. Quit it. I love you, just like I love Frances, Marcia, Brian, Shado, and Nette. It's a family love, not a sprawl-on-the-floor-and-stare-up-with-'fsck-me'-eyes love. There's a time and a place for such things.
< /pissed off >
In the meantime, it's another grey and rainy day here in EllieVille. While they make for achey days, it really wouldn't be so bad if the house weren't leaking. Next to my computer. Profusely. I've got the area 'sandbagged' with towels, and am making plans to relocate the machines as soon as the ten tonnes of clean laundry ( I went on a washing binge yesterday... seven oversized loads...) gets folded up and put away. I -think- I know what's causing the leak, but it's something I can't get to without going up on the roof - that'll require a dry day, and while I'm up there I'll fix the stupid TV antenna. Again. I think the C clamps are starting to rustrot...
Megan's off at work, leaving the house quiet but for me, the piggie, and my music. Almost peaceful, really. This journal is an unknown as far as she's concerned. She knows that I'm once again active in keeping a journal... she also knows that the last few days have seen some incredibly 'heavy' material going into it... and disregarded it in favor of commenting on how tired she is again. I... it saddens me to know that my thoughts mean so very little to her, but I really should have expected it. But I can tell you the status of every one of her sewing projects, what the project is waiting on, and why.
I seem to be slowly getting a handle on reigning in my smoking. Over the last few months my habit had expanded back up to nearly a pack a day again; far too expensive to maintain, detrimental to my health, the works. Monday I had six cigarettes. Yesterday I had three. And although I'm getting ready to go have one now, it will be my first today. The removal of smoking is one of the initial steps in remaking myself... yes, Frances, I'm -well- aware that changes need to be made, and I'm attempting to start. When the time comes to move, it will be necessary to complete the drastic changes in one push or it'll all be for naught... and then I can focus on finding a household that will want me. What I've got on my rather tentative list so far is as follows:
|
My current perpective on it is that the first -four- are viable pursuits regardless of what Megan does or doesn't do. At the accomplishment of those four, if she still hasn't moved, then... things will get a bit pushy, I think. I'm still trying to balance Honor against Need; it's a difficult equation to be sure, but none of the first four change it... that makes them 'safe' interim pursuits. I'm actively working on the smoking, and my weight is slowly dropping. I'm roughly 65-70# from my target weight. Endurance is simply going to be a matter of making myself -move-. Yesterday's mondo laundry effort is a good start there... maybe I'll try and get the living room cleaned today. Or more of the dishes. This house is driving me to distraction...
My weight goal may seem a bit high, until some other things are factored in. First, I'm 6'3"... that puts the 'medical standard' target at 220. The fact that my build seems to be of the particularly dense variety complicates things, and jumps it to 245 or so. That'll leave 15# of raw mass for me to work off while I'm trying to rebuild my stamina, ne? Well, it makes sense to me... we'll just have to see how it works.
Anyway, I'll quit babbling for the moment. I love you all. Yes, ALL. Cope.
*curtsies, hugs, and friendly smooches*
~Ellie-chan
Lyric of Note:
In The Silence Of The Darkness When All Are Fast Asleep
I Live Inside A Dream Calling To Your Spirit
As A Sail Calls The Wind Hear The Angels Sing
Far Beyond The Sun Across The Western Sky
Reach Into The Blackness Find A Silver Line
In A Voice I Whisper A Candle In The Night
We’ll Carry All Our Dreams On A Single Beam Of Light
Close Your Eyes Look Into The Dream
Winds Of Change Will Winds Of Fortune Bring
Fly Away To A Rainbow In The Sky
Gold Is At The End For Each Of Us To Find
There The Road Begins Where Another One Will End
Here The Four Winds Know Who Will Break And Who Will Bend
All To Be The Master Of The Wind
Falling Stars Now Light My Way
My Life Was Written On The Wind
Clouds Above Clouds Below
High Ascend The Dreams Within
When The Wind Fills The Sky The Clouds Will Move Aside
And There Will Be The Road To All Our Dreams
And For Any Day That Stings Two Better Days It Brings
Nothing Is As Bad As It Seems
Close Your Eyes Look Into The Dream
Winds Of Change Will Winds Of Fortune Bring
Fly Away To A Rainbow In The Sky
Gold Is At The End For Each Of Us To Find
There The Road Begins Where Another One Will End
Here The Four Winds Know Who Will Break And Who Will Bend
All To Be The Master Of The Wind
'The Master of the Wind', from Manowar's 'Triumph of Steel'
Thoughts
Here's hoping for the best!
*hugs* Love you too,
-Vulpin the ponyfox