Early Morning Ramblings
Aug. 18th, 2004 07:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaIt's ... been a rather blue night. In the midst of all the carnage and chaos going on here, I did what is in essence the burial of a family member. A few months ago, I turned B5MUSH over to another; I'm too old, too worn, and too emotionally involved to be able to continue in any capacity. Three hours of my evening was spent decompiling characters, for myself and my loved ones (Sho, Nemmie, I think I got all of yours, and I've got an un-gutted db in case I missed anyone), clearing mailboxes, nuking alts and specialized room descs.
I'd managed to hold the tears at bay until it came time to strip my office in the Staff Hall. All the years I'd spent fighting to keep her alive, amidst the angst and drama and turmoil and the friendships destroyed. I know of at least six RL relationships that the game destroyed, and almost two dozen staffers left along the road, too burned out to even say goodbye properly. StaffKiller is what the game was referred to... a title it earned time and again. I was crying badly enough that I couldn't even really see when I finally entered the commands to strip things down to bare bones.
I've lost a handful of friends along the way. Stress, psychodrama, and the weight of years ripped up the handful of friends that once helmed the game... the third or fourth such group destroyed. I lasted through two full groups, in the thick of the first one flying apart like a helicopter that's lost a rotor, and watched in horror as the second shattered over rules lawyering and hair splitting. I tried. I did everything I knew how to do. There're several who're LJ friends who're former staffers and players there... a dawg, a blip, miss death-on-a-stick (who also doubled as a commander), a captain and former co-admin, two security chiefs, Miss 'boom tomorrow', a kitty from whom I'm now estranged, and the Voice of Reason might even still be lingering around here. Outside of LJ... there's an orange chucker (long story), a Narn of Honor (you're missed, Moira), what may be the world's best toaster/tin can, Mr Hair (another very long story), a psychocoder whom I -still- worship, and what I'm convinced is -the- best Londo of all time. Centauri, Minbari, and Narns... oh my! Others I remember; security folk who vanished into the mists of time... C&C staff who could always be counted on for amusing roleplay... the often overlooked technical services staff. Seven years of memories for me. Laughter, tears, drama, comedy... storytelling at its purest form, the tales taking flesh from the communal mind of the players. In the mix for me, with my own character, an adopted daughter, a biological daughter, and four separate relationships. I had a family there...
The new headwiz has a new site set up: b5mush.mushpark.com 4205 ... with the advertising blurb to be found HERE. They're targeting for a go-live date of September 1; check out the advertising blurb if you're interested. I wish them luck; maybe by changing location, restarting the timeline, and working off a new codebase will finally shake the demons off that've plagued her. For me... *shakes her head* no. Not me. I've poured blood, sweat, and tears into her; I don't have anything left to give. I've characters on SMT, SPR, and Tapestries that I keep relatively active... the first two are the only real roleplaying online that I do anymore. I'm mildly associated with H^3 (Heaven, Hell, Horses) as an intermediary sitewiz; it operates off a Penn frame in an account I have on a friend's machine, much as B5MUSH did until recently. With things in mid-whirlwind here, I've not had time to read up on the new manuals that the pretty bear sent me, which limits my involvement to watching from the sidelines.
Fara, Frost... I don't know if you'll ever see this or not. I tried. I really did. I... in the end, it was simply too much for me. Several folks I consider family all seem to agree that I held on too long... but at the time there didn't seem to be any other options. Richelieu's creating a new game, using the old name... I hope it avoids the StaffKiller curse. I know it got the two of you, just like it got the Cappy, Commander, dawg, big Sho, and me.
Goodnight, B5. It's been one hell of a ride. I don't regret strapping into the 'fury's pod... I just wish we could've held the line...
I'd managed to hold the tears at bay until it came time to strip my office in the Staff Hall. All the years I'd spent fighting to keep her alive, amidst the angst and drama and turmoil and the friendships destroyed. I know of at least six RL relationships that the game destroyed, and almost two dozen staffers left along the road, too burned out to even say goodbye properly. StaffKiller is what the game was referred to... a title it earned time and again. I was crying badly enough that I couldn't even really see when I finally entered the commands to strip things down to bare bones.
I've lost a handful of friends along the way. Stress, psychodrama, and the weight of years ripped up the handful of friends that once helmed the game... the third or fourth such group destroyed. I lasted through two full groups, in the thick of the first one flying apart like a helicopter that's lost a rotor, and watched in horror as the second shattered over rules lawyering and hair splitting. I tried. I did everything I knew how to do. There're several who're LJ friends who're former staffers and players there... a dawg, a blip, miss death-on-a-stick (who also doubled as a commander), a captain and former co-admin, two security chiefs, Miss 'boom tomorrow', a kitty from whom I'm now estranged, and the Voice of Reason might even still be lingering around here. Outside of LJ... there's an orange chucker (long story), a Narn of Honor (you're missed, Moira), what may be the world's best toaster/tin can, Mr Hair (another very long story), a psychocoder whom I -still- worship, and what I'm convinced is -the- best Londo of all time. Centauri, Minbari, and Narns... oh my! Others I remember; security folk who vanished into the mists of time... C&C staff who could always be counted on for amusing roleplay... the often overlooked technical services staff. Seven years of memories for me. Laughter, tears, drama, comedy... storytelling at its purest form, the tales taking flesh from the communal mind of the players. In the mix for me, with my own character, an adopted daughter, a biological daughter, and four separate relationships. I had a family there...
The new headwiz has a new site set up: b5mush.mushpark.com 4205 ... with the advertising blurb to be found HERE. They're targeting for a go-live date of September 1; check out the advertising blurb if you're interested. I wish them luck; maybe by changing location, restarting the timeline, and working off a new codebase will finally shake the demons off that've plagued her. For me... *shakes her head* no. Not me. I've poured blood, sweat, and tears into her; I don't have anything left to give. I've characters on SMT, SPR, and Tapestries that I keep relatively active... the first two are the only real roleplaying online that I do anymore. I'm mildly associated with H^3 (Heaven, Hell, Horses) as an intermediary sitewiz; it operates off a Penn frame in an account I have on a friend's machine, much as B5MUSH did until recently. With things in mid-whirlwind here, I've not had time to read up on the new manuals that the pretty bear sent me, which limits my involvement to watching from the sidelines.
Fara, Frost... I don't know if you'll ever see this or not. I tried. I really did. I... in the end, it was simply too much for me. Several folks I consider family all seem to agree that I held on too long... but at the time there didn't seem to be any other options. Richelieu's creating a new game, using the old name... I hope it avoids the StaffKiller curse. I know it got the two of you, just like it got the Cappy, Commander, dawg, big Sho, and me.
Goodnight, B5. It's been one hell of a ride. I don't regret strapping into the 'fury's pod... I just wish we could've held the line...
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Re: There is a hole in your mind...
Date: 2004-08-19 01:28 am (UTC)What I lacked was the ability to put down a burden, once I'd shouldered it. It still is an issue, and probably always will be. Much as I did with my job, I overfocused to the point of being not only unwilling, but unable to step back. The job destroyed my mind. The MUSH came close to shredding my spirit.
Yes, this new site is number four. It started on a private box, then moved to the same server that was hosting Mountain Cauldron (a now defunct WoD game that I played on). The game nearly died there as collateral damage in the flameout with Gaelyne Travail's player... whom Susie's middle name was chosen for. From there, it went to Nekodojo, thanks to the much loved Londoplayer and SO. And there she sat for a long while... and now has moved to MUSHPark.
I... I don't know that there was ever a 'golden time' (the classic 'In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.') ... the game always seemed to walk a knife edge, no matter who was in charge. But I have memories of wonderful roleplay that go back to the first week I spent on the game... and they run well into the 'season four' stuff. By the time we'd hit S3, the only two players that had been there longer were the then Delenn (as luck would have it, the comment below yours), and Caitlin. By the time we'd gotten to S4, I was starting to feel like a museum display...
Feature Characters. A nightmare from the very beginning, they were. There were something like six different Vir's, five G'Kar's (counting both my stints as one), and at least twelve Garibaldi's. *sighs* It was so much trouble keeping Corwin assigned that he was sent off out of the MUSH's timeline.
So why am I -still- having problems accepting this?