(no subject)

i tried again tonight
tried to explain
tried to make her understand

i failed

what she understands is that i'm being mean
what she understands is that i'm being hurtful
what she understands is that i'm deliberately being difficult

she doesn't understand the panic
she doesn't understand the pain
she doesn't understand how little there is left of me

i'm out of mental duct tape; there are too many pieces

i was asked today if i'd be willing to check myself into the hospital
the idea was considered. greatly considered
i'm not sure i made the right choice.

when i tried to explain, i told her
i told her what was offered.. and that it was considered
her response was a waspish 'maybe you should have, then'

maybe i should have