(no subject)

And there are nights when the fears and anxieties that plague my soul take substance around me. No matter how hard I try to insulate myself or protect myself, they eat swiftly through the few threads of hope I still have left. I... learned a long time ago that the instinct to isolate myself was in fact the worst possible choice, and hardwired in a set of actions that would make me reach out to the family I've adopted across the face of the net. It was never an elegant fix, nor was it ever intended to be foolproof, but it had never left me sitting alone.

But it was also never in my wildest expectations supposed to be a round-the-clock catchnet, either. The two or three folk that I would normally seek out, just to hear (see?) a friendly voice, don't seem to be anywhere I can find them. Trillian's acting flaky as hell, as is the DSL, so I can't -reach- anyone via chat client. (Correction, it'll deal okay with inbound messages, but if I -initiate- communications it crashes.) The MU*'s are either empty, or people are using timers to keep themselves connected.

And just when I think everything's going to implode and finish me off, someone steps in to make the save. I... I don't know what I did to deserve either of you, but thank you. I love you.

But... some things did go right today.

I didn't punch the Baptist minister in the mouth for calling me an abomination. But I also had the satisfaction of watching the public library have him removed from the premises.

My dress is almost done, but I keep nattering on about that one.

Megan didn't pick a fight today. Not even a quibble.

MVA owes me $480 back.

AnthroCon is only days away.

*sigh* I'm fading in and out, but at least I've stopped crying. Thank you, beloved....

(no subject)

I'm in better shape today. Honest. I... seem to be very cyclical in nature, and ... while medications can slow or accelerate it, even being part of Lady Winter's Household couldn't quell it completely. I don't mean to worry folks, honest I don't. Given the rapidly approaching convention on top of everything I normally deal with, I'm kinda surprised I made it as far as I did. While my mood is a bit somber today, it's at least coherent and sensible. *shrugs* As sensible as I get, anyway. The bunny runs deeper than the wolf.

And today, and I pull myself back up out of the chasm, I find several others laboring with loads that threaten to squash them. My heart and prayers go out to M and J both, fighting different issues in different places, bur still part of my family. Hugs and kisses to B and to J, who helped pull me out of last night's tailspin. Cuddles to momma's little girl, virtual kneesocks to my 'little sister', safe travel to my twin (who flies tomorrow morning), and heartfelt thank yous to everyone who answered last night's garbled plea. Sometimes I forget that I'm not all alone anymore; after so many years of living in the shadows, it's hard to remember sometimes.

So I'll remember to take my medicines, and keep trying to keep moving. I haven't stopped yet, and I've not given up. I just get blue and maudlin sometimes; fortunately I have some -very- tolerant family who'll put up with such nonsense. If I can remember it, I'll buy a lottery ticket for the Saturday night drawing... an infusion of cash would help considerably on other fronts, and it's only a buck...

*hugs*
~ellie-chan