*sigh*

[cabbitzilla]

It's not often that the fights that rage in this house are my fault. Usually it's a result of snide comments aimed at me over the state of the house or my odd hours.

Tonight.... well, tonight it was my fault. :(

Overheating and well into withdrawal, I launched an attack. No topic, no point, and no excuse. I've apologized four or five times already, and Megan's mood is finally started to settle. And I still don't know why... because when I stopped yelling, I suddenly couldn't remember why I was yelling in the first place. For whatever reason, I've been an utter and intractable bitch tonight.

I'm really hoping that the realization will snap the pattern.

As for this... I'm aware that there're only a handful of people who pay any attention to me. My choices are to a) fold this journal and walk away, b) get snippy and prune the hell out of my friends list, c) go back to posting nothing but quizzes, since they pulled attention, or d) shrug it off as best I can and just let it ride.

After a few days of thought, I've opted for selection D. When I started this journal, it was primarily so that I'd have a place to vent and/or brain dump; I can sort rationally when I can see it in front of me, and it helps me keep my thoughts clear of the paranoia and fear and self-loathing. It was strictly for me; other folks were welcome to wander through, but they were not the focus. It's time I shifted back to that stance... so my rants and thoughts and mopishness and silliness will continue regardless of readership. Several of the folks I hold dear have locked their journals down to friends only - after some thought... no. I am who I am, and the folks that wander in can accept that or fsck off. *shrugs* In the end, nothing changes. And life goes on.

Cheers,
~ellie

Comments

*smooch*

[lys1022.livejournal.com]

I may not comment much, dear, but I ALWAYS read your journal entries. But you are right, these journals aren't for others, they're for ourselves. Yes, there are times when we write entries specifically for others to read, but that's not the primary use. This is a place to put all the things we're thinking and feeling. That's why there are different security levels. It has nothing to do with people accepting or not, it has to do with the fact that there are ALWAYS some things that we may just not want to share with others yet.

Feel free to share or not as you will, sweetie, and remember that there ARE people who care for you who are reading, even if we don't always reply.

Love you.