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May. 17th, 2004 11:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaMany many thanks to one of my personal angels of mercy. After encountering my nascent, hazily formed plans for fixing the Athlon, she turned up at my door with a cd burned of updates, patches, and Sasser removal tools. Bless you, sweetie.
I'm going to retire to a book in just a few moments; it's been a day of ups and downs. The emotional cloudburst I'd been fearing hit during the GID therapy group meeting... I'm not thrilled at all about going to pieces in front of the others. At least it's past. I stayed behind to clean up the debris and spills I'd caused; a good bit of the conference room table was wet from the glass that got crushed in my hand. *sigh* At least one of the group members now fears me, having seen the steel drinking glass crushed like tinfoil in my hand. I'd worked hard to gain her trust; she's fragile emotionally, and a victim of past abuse. I... don't know if she'll ever trust me again; she fled while the others were trying to calm me. Hysterical strength taps are ... draining. I'm more worn tonight than I thought possible, and my entire right arm is on fire. I'm trying to keep moving it as normal; immobilizing it will only lock the overstressed joints and cause more trouble later. I'm not doing any lifting, but I'm having to concentrate on keeping it moving.
And about an hour after I got home, having worked through the worst of the cramps and gotten things working relatively normally again, the aforementioned angel showed up with printed pages of documentation (which mirrored the information that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elix had provided *smooch* thank you, sweetie) and the cd of patches and such. We chatted for a couple hours; it's amazing how much company can boost my spirits. She finally rolled out of here about an hour ago; I made a trip to the store and then settled in here to check mail and messages... and got word from another merciful angel with word of the impending arrival of a new video card for my precious G3 (thank you, wibbble and elance).
My friends spend an awful lot of time and money on me... in return I'm alternately exuberant and mopish. I'm sorry, darlings... I really am trying to stabilize. I've gotten militant about taking my meds, to the point of setting alarms so that they're being taken at the same time every day. I keep praying that this combination will give me the tool I need to lock everything down again; I've been erratic and undependable of late, withdrawing from nearly everything to the point of folks actually asking me if I'm ever coming back. Others have simply given up on me. I keep asking for patience; some have been pushed past their limits already. I don't fault those folks... if they're HALF as annoyed with my erratic highs and lows as I am, then they've already taken more than was warranted.
But some have stayed... my cherished family. I can't fathom why they put up with me - I just know they do. They tell me over and over again that I'm worth it, and it just leaves me scratching my head in puzzlement. I love each of them, for the wonderful folks they are. I don't say it often enough, but it's true. *wry smile* You poor folks probably also need icepacks and aspirin, too. Hopefully someday I'll be able to repay the kindnesses you've all heaped upon me. It's staggering to think about just how much has been given... much of it by folks who really couldn't spare it, but did it anyway. In the quiet moments after the sweep of madness comes the thoughts of things that have been done for me; those thoughts are used to strap the fragmented pieces of my mind back together as I get back to my feet. It's a long list - I could sit here and type for hours and not manage to squeeze it all in. For all the little things, all the big things, all the lovely surprises, the hugs (both real and virtual), the smiles, the warmth, the love ... thank you. Thank you.
Those words seem... trivial. I simply don't know how to express my feelings on the topic; it leaves me at a loss for words. My thoughts tend to be better organized in the written media, where I can proofread several times and fix the jumbles, but even there it can't properly convey my feelings. The path that I walk, the path that was chosen for me, isn't an easy one... but that can be said of most any path. I've become very high maintenance, very emotional. It makes me worry a bit what will happen when I finally start the hormone treatments, but it's not a worry I can really do much about. I just wanted... to say thank you. For caring. For staying. For listening. On occasion for whacking me upside the head with a clue. For accepting me, and what's within. You are all amazing, wondrous people. I simply can't thank you enough, simply for being who and what you are.
While I'm calming, and introspective, a sister across the pond has hit the same darkness that I've been walking through. I... my advice probably isn't worth much, but it basically boils down to three words: Never Give Up. It doesn't matter if the outfits will never 'look good' on you. It doesn't matter if you never see those exotic locales. And it doesn't matter how dark it gets, love - while you draw breath, there's hope. The one thing that matters most is that you're true to -yourself-. Reality can be shaped, altered, blended to better adapt to you. Some situations look hopeless, yes. I'm sitting in one of them myself. But there is hope, so long as your dreams are alive. Don't let them die, sweetie. Hold on to them... not too tightly, but hold on to them. Let them grow as -you- grow, and adapt as you change. You can make it... there are people who believe in you simply on the merits you've presented.
Never give up. Ever. Remember your past, adapt to your present, and shape your future. Be true to yourself, even if that clashes with others' perceptions around you. You -can- do this. I can do this. And there's always hope...
I'm going to retire to a book in just a few moments; it's been a day of ups and downs. The emotional cloudburst I'd been fearing hit during the GID therapy group meeting... I'm not thrilled at all about going to pieces in front of the others. At least it's past. I stayed behind to clean up the debris and spills I'd caused; a good bit of the conference room table was wet from the glass that got crushed in my hand. *sigh* At least one of the group members now fears me, having seen the steel drinking glass crushed like tinfoil in my hand. I'd worked hard to gain her trust; she's fragile emotionally, and a victim of past abuse. I... don't know if she'll ever trust me again; she fled while the others were trying to calm me. Hysterical strength taps are ... draining. I'm more worn tonight than I thought possible, and my entire right arm is on fire. I'm trying to keep moving it as normal; immobilizing it will only lock the overstressed joints and cause more trouble later. I'm not doing any lifting, but I'm having to concentrate on keeping it moving.
And about an hour after I got home, having worked through the worst of the cramps and gotten things working relatively normally again, the aforementioned angel showed up with printed pages of documentation (which mirrored the information that
elix had provided *smooch* thank you, sweetie) and the cd of patches and such. We chatted for a couple hours; it's amazing how much company can boost my spirits. She finally rolled out of here about an hour ago; I made a trip to the store and then settled in here to check mail and messages... and got word from another merciful angel with word of the impending arrival of a new video card for my precious G3 (thank you, wibbble and elance).My friends spend an awful lot of time and money on me... in return I'm alternately exuberant and mopish. I'm sorry, darlings... I really am trying to stabilize. I've gotten militant about taking my meds, to the point of setting alarms so that they're being taken at the same time every day. I keep praying that this combination will give me the tool I need to lock everything down again; I've been erratic and undependable of late, withdrawing from nearly everything to the point of folks actually asking me if I'm ever coming back. Others have simply given up on me. I keep asking for patience; some have been pushed past their limits already. I don't fault those folks... if they're HALF as annoyed with my erratic highs and lows as I am, then they've already taken more than was warranted.
But some have stayed... my cherished family. I can't fathom why they put up with me - I just know they do. They tell me over and over again that I'm worth it, and it just leaves me scratching my head in puzzlement. I love each of them, for the wonderful folks they are. I don't say it often enough, but it's true. *wry smile* You poor folks probably also need icepacks and aspirin, too. Hopefully someday I'll be able to repay the kindnesses you've all heaped upon me. It's staggering to think about just how much has been given... much of it by folks who really couldn't spare it, but did it anyway. In the quiet moments after the sweep of madness comes the thoughts of things that have been done for me; those thoughts are used to strap the fragmented pieces of my mind back together as I get back to my feet. It's a long list - I could sit here and type for hours and not manage to squeeze it all in. For all the little things, all the big things, all the lovely surprises, the hugs (both real and virtual), the smiles, the warmth, the love ... thank you. Thank you.
Those words seem... trivial. I simply don't know how to express my feelings on the topic; it leaves me at a loss for words. My thoughts tend to be better organized in the written media, where I can proofread several times and fix the jumbles, but even there it can't properly convey my feelings. The path that I walk, the path that was chosen for me, isn't an easy one... but that can be said of most any path. I've become very high maintenance, very emotional. It makes me worry a bit what will happen when I finally start the hormone treatments, but it's not a worry I can really do much about. I just wanted... to say thank you. For caring. For staying. For listening. On occasion for whacking me upside the head with a clue. For accepting me, and what's within. You are all amazing, wondrous people. I simply can't thank you enough, simply for being who and what you are.
While I'm calming, and introspective, a sister across the pond has hit the same darkness that I've been walking through. I... my advice probably isn't worth much, but it basically boils down to three words: Never Give Up. It doesn't matter if the outfits will never 'look good' on you. It doesn't matter if you never see those exotic locales. And it doesn't matter how dark it gets, love - while you draw breath, there's hope. The one thing that matters most is that you're true to -yourself-. Reality can be shaped, altered, blended to better adapt to you. Some situations look hopeless, yes. I'm sitting in one of them myself. But there is hope, so long as your dreams are alive. Don't let them die, sweetie. Hold on to them... not too tightly, but hold on to them. Let them grow as -you- grow, and adapt as you change. You can make it... there are people who believe in you simply on the merits you've presented.
Never give up. Ever. Remember your past, adapt to your present, and shape your future. Be true to yourself, even if that clashes with others' perceptions around you. You -can- do this. I can do this. And there's always hope...
