(no subject)

[cabbitzilla]

This... doesn't apply to most of the folks that know me here through LJ, but... I need a vent point. I'm sorry. You probably should skip this one. And Miss K H, if this does get back to you... yes, I'm talking to you, you self-serving little bitch, and you're going to get both barrels straight to the face as soon as I track your snippy little ass down.

If, for whatever reason, you've got a 'comfort' issue with me, be it personality or sexual preference or gender preference or clothing... talk to ME about it. Don't tell someone else and have them tell Megan to 'talk' to me; if you've got issues with me, and lack the will to come to me about it, I'm VERY likely to utterly explode.

Or like tonight, curl up in a ball and cry like a lost child.

I get enough grief and resistance and guilt from Megan about who and what I am to last for several lifetimes, and it's taking every ounce of will I have to resist the impulse to hate the girl for it. She doesn't need any help from some prudish fuckwit who's decided that I'm doing something in ghastly poor taste. And for those that want to pursue that line anyway? Make God Damn Sure that there're no skeletons in your closets, boys and girls. I'm no longer interested in fighting nice, not when people are actively looking to knife me in the back after ACTING like they're my friends.

I'm tired. Tired to the very soul. I'm tired of being nice to people, day in and day out, who can't fucking wait until I'm out of the room to start whispering about me. I'm tired of keeping myself locked down, slowly driving myself insane, trying to please people that won't even give me the fucking benefit of the doubt. I'm tired of there never being money/time for the things that I desperately need, restricted and trapped in a shadow life that's never been mine. I'm tired of trying my hardest to avoid confrontations, only to have them rammed up my ass when my guard is down.

I'm tired of discovering that people I trust are more judgemental and hateful than the Religious Right. (No, Kyrlan. If you're reading this, I'm -not- talking about you or folks who are genuine.) I'm tired of being treated like a close friend to my face, only to find that I'm 'untrustable', 'unstable', 'irrational', 'perverse', and 'so sick in the head that even the damn faggots' don't want me.

Tired is probably not the best word. Soul sick. Enraged. And for the sake of avoiding long-term incarceration, very glad that I no longer own a firearm. What started as a rough day for pain and sorrow reasons has now been dumped head first into hell for me, and I'm -ESPECIALLY- tired of the perpetrators going without punishment.

Put your affairs in order. Time's up, bitch.


Original Posting Time: January 21, 2004 - 23:53 Eastern
Edit: Cooler heads and thinking have pulled me out of the rafters... two hours later. Many thanks go to Frances for staying up past her bedtime to thwap me into thinking again. There's a distinct possibility that the events that put me into this lovely little homicidal rage was... well... manufactured by Megan. I won't know for sure until I can sit down with the alleged source of the information and find out if it was my soon-to-be-ex doing a spin job on the information to try (again) to slow or halt me.

Until I know for sure... things will continue as they have. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone or worried folks. Thank you all for caring about me, and worrying about 'possible ramifications'... legal and karmic both.