cabbitzilla

I'm a fool.

That revelation won't surprise much of anyone, though it may draw protested corrections from my family.

And maybe 'fool' is too strong, but 'careless' and 'slipshod' are accurate, and given that I -know- what happens if I get careless (and it happened again anyway) only serves to reinforce my initial impression.

I've spent most of today crying. Did much the same last night. Instead of keeping vigilant watch, I screwed the pooch and let one of my infamous black funks slip into place. They can be leavened if intercepted, sometimes removed completely... but once it's all the way locked in, the only options are riding it out or looking for a tall bridge.

That second choice hasn't been a valid option for many years. I refuse. Which leaves me trying to ride out what is essentially the undertow to the cyclical depression I've been dealing with for years. It leaves me moody, cross as hell, liable to burst into tears for thinking someone might be THINKING of looking at me cross-eyes, and what sleep I get is littered with... very graphic nightmares.

The price of having worked in a warzone. I don't require 'imagination' for things like murder, gunshot/stab wounds, and mayhem... there's a pictorial history locked in my mind.

Pardon me, my loves, if I'm less than sociable over the next few days. I ... just need to push through this, and will likely retreat into my anime collection to wade through it. In the 'unwatched' category, I have Noir and Key: The Metal Idol courtesy of Rowan, Armored Trooper Votoms and Record of Lodoss War courtesy of Hobbes. And my own much-watched collection of Chobits, Hand Maid May, Angelic Layer, Hellsing, and Digi Charat. If I can manage ambition, I can try and strap the VCR into the back of my machine and pull digital copies of the VHS Noir, Votoms, and Lodoss. And my fast-wearing-out Big O tapes, courtesy of Masque.

*nods* Distraction is effective; some of the fog has parted a bit, at least enough to finish the evening's tasks and get to bed. Being lovingly cuddled by my beloved Owyn via pages helps too... I... and there go the tears. I... have a vast amount of feelings for him. Many of my deepest hopes, dreams, and fears tie through them.

Erf. I'm babbling. Sorry. I need to put the trash out to the curb and say my goodnights... before the fog tries to crush me again.

*hugs*
~Ellie-chan

Angsty