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May. 15th, 2003 11:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaI'm home now. It's been a bumpy couple of days... I'll try and tackle them in rough sequence.
Yesterday evening, I managed to get some shopping done; it involved FAR too many stops, but I got everything on my list. And then I went just a bit further down the road and visited with Crys and Kelly. They're both marvelous people and former coworkers: Crys was once my supervisor, and Kelly's the man that got me interested in Linux way back when. Normally the visits are lighthearted geeking and grumping about scifi and computers, but this one stepped into a more sober realm.
For the first time, in spoken conversation, I voiced the recognition that I'd allowed my job to destroy my health and nearly unhinge my mind... something that Kelly agreed wtih. It's not a comforting notion, but it's the truth nonetheless. My 'work ethic' requires me to give maximum performance, no matter what the payscale and relative equality of tasks. While I may vocalize complaints, my work has /always/ been top flight. And the college... used me. While I don't believe it was a conscious decision by -any- one person, the system as it functions in the Collegiate IT world will /rape/ anyone who believes in hard work. And even as the promotions came, the toll continued to mount on my mind. It stopped being a 'job' very early on, and became a Crusade; a one man jihad against the forces of entropy and beaurocratic rigamarole. What's truly sad is that I -recognized- that this was happening, even laughed and joked about it, even as I continued to pour my soul down the one-way pipe. I thought I could win. I was sure I could win. That I would 'prove myself' and fix the myriad things wrong.
After the onset of the fibromyalgia, I found myself greatly slowed down. It drove me nuts that the problems I'd fought for so long against were starting to get away from me again. And so I pushed myself. My hours stepped back up to insane numbers, even as my medication load increased to try and hammer down the pain. And I pushed harder. I waved off the migraines, stacking still more meds in my system to push them aside. I hunted out guarana and ginseng based beverages, and triple brewed my coffe. I stayed drenched in sweat. And I pushed harder still. I -knew- I could win. Victory was gonna happen 'any day now'.
And the I had not one, but three strokes. Game over. No consolation prize, no thank you's, no handshakes. Gone, just like that.
Kelly tried to warn me. Crys tried to warn me. Becky tried to warn me. Dawn begged me to slow down. Takima hid my coffee pot, and flushed my coffee down a toilet. Nabil tried confiscating my bottles of Sobe Edge and Bawls. Brad tried to get me to take it easy, maybe take some time off. And in the back of my mind, I knew it was only a matter of time... but I was so convinced that I could do it, I ignored all the warnings. And destroyed myself, because I was determined to 'prove myself'.
The discussion lasted for several hours; facing something like that isn't the most comfortable of things,but... I suspect Kelly's afraid that if I ever do manage to get back into the work force, that I'll do it again. And maybe actually kill myself with it. But it's something I -have- to face; one of those personal demons that I have to harness or expunge, or risk annihilation. So I was worn both physically and mentally when I got home last night.
I settled in behind my pc, and was just sorta tinkering with things and chatting with my beloved non-blood family (no, that's not sarcasm... I love you all) when I ended up face to face with that SAME demon... in someone I consider one of my dearest of the dear. I fear I may have made some ... tactical blunders in the half argument half loved one in need conversation that ensued. The sudden fear that someone I treasured was in the process of destroying themselves the same way I had scared me pretty badly, and I've not talked to them today to know if I screwed up (and if so, how badly).
But my central point is still: It will get better. Life is not without bumps; that's how we learn and grow. I love you, and I believe in you.
I finally crashed around 5:30am this morning. I was utterly wiped out, and blessedly got some sleep. I was woken up around noon today when Megan came flying back in from work with urgent news: My mom and grandma, leaving this morning for their drive-to-Florida vacation, had gotten as far as the Bob Evans in LaPlata, Maryland, where they stopped for breakfast. On the way in, my grandmother lost her balance and fell, shattering her left hip. Megan and I pounded back out to the car and drove down to the hospital, where Mom had been waiting since 8am this morning. Grandma was in surgery (to put a pin in the hip), Mom was 'fading' (she's diabetic, and no food at all for ten hours is a BAD thing). I got Mom patched back up and stable in time for the surgeon to appear; surgery was done, she'd come through it beautifully, and was in the recovery room. The older of my two younger blood sisters showed up about then as well, having finally found a sitter for her kids. While mom tended to grandma in recovery, Leah and I stepped outside with her cell phone to notify family... and found that our stepmom (who's been mentioned in these pages before, she's a wonderful lady that we nearly lost to viral menenjitis five months back) was back in the hospital.
Two hours away, back up where I live. We stayed with grandma till they got her settled in the room... they brought painkillers, and she was out. Mom was staying, so someone would be there. And we'd been warned that tomorrow'd be Physical Therapy, and that she'd likely -not- want spectators... so we scattered. I drove back up here, dropped Megan off, and went and joined my dad and stepmom at the other hospita. Stayed there till they took her in for actual treatment, at which point dad gave me a hug and told me to pedal my butt back home and get some sleep.
So here I am. And yeah, I'm gonna do what I was told. I've taken my meds, and am going to bed once this is posted.
*hugs tiredly* Which is now. G'nite.
~Ellie-chan
Yesterday evening, I managed to get some shopping done; it involved FAR too many stops, but I got everything on my list. And then I went just a bit further down the road and visited with Crys and Kelly. They're both marvelous people and former coworkers: Crys was once my supervisor, and Kelly's the man that got me interested in Linux way back when. Normally the visits are lighthearted geeking and grumping about scifi and computers, but this one stepped into a more sober realm.
For the first time, in spoken conversation, I voiced the recognition that I'd allowed my job to destroy my health and nearly unhinge my mind... something that Kelly agreed wtih. It's not a comforting notion, but it's the truth nonetheless. My 'work ethic' requires me to give maximum performance, no matter what the payscale and relative equality of tasks. While I may vocalize complaints, my work has /always/ been top flight. And the college... used me. While I don't believe it was a conscious decision by -any- one person, the system as it functions in the Collegiate IT world will /rape/ anyone who believes in hard work. And even as the promotions came, the toll continued to mount on my mind. It stopped being a 'job' very early on, and became a Crusade; a one man jihad against the forces of entropy and beaurocratic rigamarole. What's truly sad is that I -recognized- that this was happening, even laughed and joked about it, even as I continued to pour my soul down the one-way pipe. I thought I could win. I was sure I could win. That I would 'prove myself' and fix the myriad things wrong.
After the onset of the fibromyalgia, I found myself greatly slowed down. It drove me nuts that the problems I'd fought for so long against were starting to get away from me again. And so I pushed myself. My hours stepped back up to insane numbers, even as my medication load increased to try and hammer down the pain. And I pushed harder. I waved off the migraines, stacking still more meds in my system to push them aside. I hunted out guarana and ginseng based beverages, and triple brewed my coffe. I stayed drenched in sweat. And I pushed harder still. I -knew- I could win. Victory was gonna happen 'any day now'.
And the I had not one, but three strokes. Game over. No consolation prize, no thank you's, no handshakes. Gone, just like that.
Kelly tried to warn me. Crys tried to warn me. Becky tried to warn me. Dawn begged me to slow down. Takima hid my coffee pot, and flushed my coffee down a toilet. Nabil tried confiscating my bottles of Sobe Edge and Bawls. Brad tried to get me to take it easy, maybe take some time off. And in the back of my mind, I knew it was only a matter of time... but I was so convinced that I could do it, I ignored all the warnings. And destroyed myself, because I was determined to 'prove myself'.
The discussion lasted for several hours; facing something like that isn't the most comfortable of things,but... I suspect Kelly's afraid that if I ever do manage to get back into the work force, that I'll do it again. And maybe actually kill myself with it. But it's something I -have- to face; one of those personal demons that I have to harness or expunge, or risk annihilation. So I was worn both physically and mentally when I got home last night.
I settled in behind my pc, and was just sorta tinkering with things and chatting with my beloved non-blood family (no, that's not sarcasm... I love you all) when I ended up face to face with that SAME demon... in someone I consider one of my dearest of the dear. I fear I may have made some ... tactical blunders in the half argument half loved one in need conversation that ensued. The sudden fear that someone I treasured was in the process of destroying themselves the same way I had scared me pretty badly, and I've not talked to them today to know if I screwed up (and if so, how badly).
But my central point is still: It will get better. Life is not without bumps; that's how we learn and grow. I love you, and I believe in you.
I finally crashed around 5:30am this morning. I was utterly wiped out, and blessedly got some sleep. I was woken up around noon today when Megan came flying back in from work with urgent news: My mom and grandma, leaving this morning for their drive-to-Florida vacation, had gotten as far as the Bob Evans in LaPlata, Maryland, where they stopped for breakfast. On the way in, my grandmother lost her balance and fell, shattering her left hip. Megan and I pounded back out to the car and drove down to the hospital, where Mom had been waiting since 8am this morning. Grandma was in surgery (to put a pin in the hip), Mom was 'fading' (she's diabetic, and no food at all for ten hours is a BAD thing). I got Mom patched back up and stable in time for the surgeon to appear; surgery was done, she'd come through it beautifully, and was in the recovery room. The older of my two younger blood sisters showed up about then as well, having finally found a sitter for her kids. While mom tended to grandma in recovery, Leah and I stepped outside with her cell phone to notify family... and found that our stepmom (who's been mentioned in these pages before, she's a wonderful lady that we nearly lost to viral menenjitis five months back) was back in the hospital.
Two hours away, back up where I live. We stayed with grandma till they got her settled in the room... they brought painkillers, and she was out. Mom was staying, so someone would be there. And we'd been warned that tomorrow'd be Physical Therapy, and that she'd likely -not- want spectators... so we scattered. I drove back up here, dropped Megan off, and went and joined my dad and stepmom at the other hospita. Stayed there till they took her in for actual treatment, at which point dad gave me a hug and told me to pedal my butt back home and get some sleep.
So here I am. And yeah, I'm gonna do what I was told. I've taken my meds, and am going to bed once this is posted.
*hugs tiredly* Which is now. G'nite.
~Ellie-chan
I'm a soldier
These shoulders hold up so much
They wont budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier
Even if my collar bones crush or crumble
I will never slip or stumble
I'm a soldier
These shoulders hold up so much
They wont budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier
Even if my collar bones crush or crumble
I will never stumble
"Soldier" - Eminem
These shoulders hold up so much
They wont budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier
Even if my collar bones crush or crumble
I will never slip or stumble
I'm a soldier
These shoulders hold up so much
They wont budge, I'll never fall or fold up
I'm a soldier
Even if my collar bones crush or crumble
I will never stumble
"Soldier" - Eminem
