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May. 11th, 2003 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaReflections. Everyone casts them, but few recognise the effects. I like to think I do.
Those that know me closely tend to think of me as 'twitchy', but a survivor nonetheless. I'm a suvivor in part because of the reflections that have been cast on me; people who had such presence and impact on my life who hammered into my head that there was worth to me. Several times here recently, those etched-in beliefs have prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid and self damaging.
I have my instructions, and they don't permit self destruction. It's really that simple. I'm allowed to grieve, but I'm not allowed to curl up and retreat. Probably a good thing.
Fresh from the news I received Friday morning (which prompted the last post made here), I had to face a weekend with Megan's family... some of whom are -not- sparing with their criticisms of me. Megan's father is convinced that I am the very embodiment of evil, but lacks the balls (pardon the bluntness) to -say- anything to me. So he just treats me in an offhandedly cruel manner and considers himself to be the better individual. And I dealt with it, and all the sorrow that -that- brings, and still found time to be alone to give my feelings some closure on what I considered more important matters.
And dealing with it... I realized that Lady Winter /was/ right in her assessment of my emotional state, and in forbidding my return. As sudden and painful as Her passing was... it would have completely shredded me had I been -there- with Her. She was right... again. It lends a lot of weight to what turned out to be my final orders from Her... detailing what types of activities were -not- appropriate, to continue my fight to be -me-, to continue to reach out to others to help. I have merit. Thus I will perservere. And to the handful of people whom I love and respect, it means you'll get no relief from my support, love, and affections. I recommend coping. Trust the dolly. She loves you very much.
Other than that... it's quiet, tonight. The car's unpacked, computers powered back up, and I'm slowly recharging from the strain of the trip. While my mood may be a bit deeper into 'somber' than most are used to... I'm okay. Thank you, all of you, for the hugs and condolences expressed both in my journal and in private emails I've since sorted through. As one of my sisters has noted more than once: I have an excellent support network. You're wonderful, all of you.
And as a side note: Having 'an excellent support network' does NOT reduce the importance of any individual numbered in there, regardless of what that person feels they contribute to my life. If you're there, YOU CONTRIBUTE... not all contributions are tangible, and sometimes the intangibles are the most critical.
*hugs* I'm rambling, now. Anyway, there're a pair of lemmings to fling at the screen before I go.
This one came from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lostkun:
Rejoice! You are not guilty of any of these
cardinal Puritan scarlet letter sins. You are
pure and good.
Which Scarlet Letter Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Okay, I'm kinda scratching my head at that. ME? I suspect there's a glitch in the quiz somewhere.
And this one came fromnightambre:
You Are Yellow.
(((~*~What Personality Color Are You?~*~)))
brought to you by Quizilla
Not bruised? Hardly. But I refuse to surrender hope. It's who I am... it's the nature of reflections...
~Ellie-chan
Those that know me closely tend to think of me as 'twitchy', but a survivor nonetheless. I'm a suvivor in part because of the reflections that have been cast on me; people who had such presence and impact on my life who hammered into my head that there was worth to me. Several times here recently, those etched-in beliefs have prevented me from doing something incredibly stupid and self damaging.
I have my instructions, and they don't permit self destruction. It's really that simple. I'm allowed to grieve, but I'm not allowed to curl up and retreat. Probably a good thing.
Fresh from the news I received Friday morning (which prompted the last post made here), I had to face a weekend with Megan's family... some of whom are -not- sparing with their criticisms of me. Megan's father is convinced that I am the very embodiment of evil, but lacks the balls (pardon the bluntness) to -say- anything to me. So he just treats me in an offhandedly cruel manner and considers himself to be the better individual. And I dealt with it, and all the sorrow that -that- brings, and still found time to be alone to give my feelings some closure on what I considered more important matters.
And dealing with it... I realized that Lady Winter /was/ right in her assessment of my emotional state, and in forbidding my return. As sudden and painful as Her passing was... it would have completely shredded me had I been -there- with Her. She was right... again. It lends a lot of weight to what turned out to be my final orders from Her... detailing what types of activities were -not- appropriate, to continue my fight to be -me-, to continue to reach out to others to help. I have merit. Thus I will perservere. And to the handful of people whom I love and respect, it means you'll get no relief from my support, love, and affections. I recommend coping. Trust the dolly. She loves you very much.
Other than that... it's quiet, tonight. The car's unpacked, computers powered back up, and I'm slowly recharging from the strain of the trip. While my mood may be a bit deeper into 'somber' than most are used to... I'm okay. Thank you, all of you, for the hugs and condolences expressed both in my journal and in private emails I've since sorted through. As one of my sisters has noted more than once: I have an excellent support network. You're wonderful, all of you.
And as a side note: Having 'an excellent support network' does NOT reduce the importance of any individual numbered in there, regardless of what that person feels they contribute to my life. If you're there, YOU CONTRIBUTE... not all contributions are tangible, and sometimes the intangibles are the most critical.
*hugs* I'm rambling, now. Anyway, there're a pair of lemmings to fling at the screen before I go.
This one came from
lostkun:Rejoice! You are not guilty of any of these
cardinal Puritan scarlet letter sins. You are
pure and good.
Which Scarlet Letter Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Okay, I'm kinda scratching my head at that. ME? I suspect there's a glitch in the quiz somewhere.
And this one came from
nightambre:You Are Yellow.
(((~*~What Personality Color Are You?~*~)))
brought to you by Quizilla
Not bruised? Hardly. But I refuse to surrender hope. It's who I am... it's the nature of reflections...
~Ellie-chan
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: Reflections
Date: 2003-05-12 03:48 pm (UTC)*chuckle* None of which really means -squat- to you, sweetie. You're one of the few that haven't been 'blessed' with an in-person meeting. I pity those that have. :p I know some folks are -very- worried about facets of me that they deem dangerous... but at the end of the day, /I/ am the one that has to face my own reflection, and my choices are what they are. :p
Er... wow, I'm rambling again. I think it's annoyance at my laptop. :p
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan
Re: Reflections
Date: 2003-05-13 08:27 am (UTC)Well said.
I have some Family (my family of choice, if not blood) that annoy the bloody hell out of me as well, so I understand, believe me!
Would love to meet you in person sometime, dearie! You may self-deprecate with the best of 'em, but I can certainly tell you're cool people. :~)
Love,
~~Kt3 of the Solidarity~~