(no subject)

[cabbitzilla]

I've a new anthem, one that's almost painfully fitting for someone who's had their past rear up and present itself as a hope for the future. I'm aware that my once and future Lady monitors my journal; it's dedicated to Her. The first time I heard this song on the radio was perhaps twenty minutes after I opened the first letter renewing contact after ten long years...

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

---> Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
---> I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
---> Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
---> Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
---> I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
---> Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

---> All of this time
---> I can't believe I couldn't see
---> Kept in the dark
---> but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

---> Without a thought
---> Without a voice
---> Without a soul

---> Don't let me die here
---> There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

Bring Me To Life - Evanescence

To my mind, it's probably the most accurate summary of my emotional state I've encountered yet. Unless you count '... madness reigns in the Hall of the Mountain King...'; but that's a bit specific to my sanity alone, ne? :) The dialogue continues; very little is concrete yet, but some small things have been laid out.

• I will be quitting smoking when I return home - this should thrill most of my friends
• Although I'll be returning to my old post of Lady's Maid, there will be additional duties...
1. Designing and implementing the House network.
2. Maintaining the House machines and server.
3. Handling the Lady's general e-correspondence.
• Guided and careful (meaning slow but steady) weight loss.
• A block of personal time for my writing projects will be set aside daily, as will time to keep up with my personal correspondence via snailmail and online - a couple of friends paniced and -assumed- that my going Home would be 'the end' of everything. Far from it. Relax. I'm not going to disappear... there's no way in hell I could lose -that- much weight. :p

Why put this here? About half of the folks on my friends list are already at least cursory aware of this going on in the background... and I'm no longer hiding who and what I am. I've been up front and blunt about most everything else; my coming clean here shouldn't surprise a darn one of you. There are a handful of young men that... interest me. One... no, two, monitor my journal regardless of who's on my friends list. Where some can only find it in their hearts to love one, such is not the case with me. I know that someday I must choose, but I've tried very hard to make sure that each of the gentlemen know there are others who figure in my mind just as prominently. Three men. Each of them highly intelligent. Each of them treasured as a dear friend even if -nothing- else comes to pass. Two of them deeply spiritual, one of them Fundamentalistly so. I care very deeply for them... and 'love' has been invoked with two of them, although it's ringing hollow with one of them. Two of them have sent me things to read, the one who's now ringing hollow is the third. The third utterly freaked out on me when he found out I was once again in contact with my Lady; sadly, his histrionics diminished him in my eyes, likely contrary to his intent. Truthfully, only the two remain heavy in my thoughts, though I am still fond of the third. But I'm trying to be honest with myself, as well as with everyone else. It's a mess, but it's one that will sort out in time with or without any 'deep musings' from me. Such is life.

*soft chuckle* I can practically hear the wails of TMI! here. :p Ah well. I just needed to dump my thoughts; organizing them on the page is helpful at times. And really, that's all I have, today.

Semper Servilus

~Ellie-chan

Comments

[m-masque.livejournal.com]

A lyric for a lyric, Dear.

"The Pass" by Rush


Proud swagger out of the schoolyard
Waiting for the world's applause
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause

Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Can't face life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars
Turn around and turn around and turn around
Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Don't turn your back
And slam the door on me

It's not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
It's not as if you're all alone
In wanting to explode

Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?


Why this particular song? Fourteen years ago, I was a member of my town's volunteer fire department and taking training for my advanced EMT certification. Over all, it was a good challenge and, looking back at it, my only real regret is that I didn't join sooner and continue on to get my Paramedic training before I was 30 and turn it into a profession. That's neither here no there, though.

During that EMT-A training, I hit a wall. Nine hours at work and then a thirty minute or so mad dash to get from work to Akron for three hours of schooling and usually getting home by about 10:30-11:00 pm three nights a week was getting too draining. Book learning was never very hard for me and even the practical, hands-on training was good. Part of the burnout actually came from another student that just never seemed to get the hang of either the book learning or the hands-on. Some of it just came from knowing this would be as high a level of EMT training as I would take. There's no point in becoming a Paramedic unless you're planning on getting paid to do it (1000 hours or more of training and clinical time) and, if you're over 30 years old, you can pretty well forget finding anyone willing to hire you as a beginner Paramedic.

One evening, on that drive home, I had just about made up my mind to leave the class and even the fire department. I just couldn't see the point of continuing.

I'd bought Rush's Presto album the weekend before but hadn't put it into tape player yet to listen to it.

When I listened to "The Pass," all thoughts of dropping out left.

It's not for the glory. It's not for acclaim. It's knowing that one little bit of information that, at the right time and place, may save someone else's life or change it for the better.

And, sometimes, it's changing your own life for the better.

Ellie, all of that is just a very long, extremely convoluted, way of telling you that I'm behind you all the way. Find yourself. Become the person you want to be.

We won't love you any less, and you will love yourself even more.

Masque

[rowandoll.livejournal.com]

*sniff*

Ellie, I am so glad to hear you're making the return. *big hug* I'll be frank, I don't know if this is -the- answer for you, but you're going back to a place of happiness. That's a place to search from.

You are such a good person. I long for the day you let your star rise. Go back, and start anew.

[shadowcub67.livejournal.com]

I don't know all of what you're referring to, but it sounds as if you will be happy, and for that, I am glad. Special people like yourself SHOULD be happy. *hug* And I'm also glad that you'll continue to be able to stay in touch.....

My usual self

[lys1022.livejournal.com]

Hullo love. I'm going to be my usual self, because I know that you get annoyed when I'm anything BUT that.

I have very mixed feelings on this. I'm happy that you're happy. I'm worried that you've gilded your memories and that returning won't be as joyous as your memories make it. I'm concerned that I don't KNOW this Lady of yours, and so while you trust her implicitly, I cannot...since I've not met her or known anything of her except what you've told me. I hope beyond hope that this is really what you're looking for and will give you a solid base to begin rebuilding your life. I want you to be happy.

I love you.

WOW!

[kangitanka3.livejournal.com]

A big step indeed, love!

I wish you the best with it!!!

Love,
~~Kt3 the Way Behind on LJ~~