Self, Identity, Control, and Truth...

[cabbitzilla]

Who are you?

What do you want?

This came as a result of an ongoing conversation via email. It's valid, and I think important, so it's going here...

The questions that, for alll intents and purposes, define a person. But what happens when those answers are, by the very nature of the being involved, maleable? When the person involved defines themselves by other factors? To be honest, you get someone who is such a misfit by our current society's standards that they've literally -no- chance to ever 'fit in.

Someone like me.

I've been called subversive, been accused of 'trying too hard', and been yelled at for /wanting/ someone else to aide in those definitions. There's no question as to whether or not I can 'function' on my own; it's more a matter of comfort and purpose. At the root of this should be a third question: What do you need? There is a vast gulf of difference between 'want' and 'need'; often times the 'need' never gets fully delineated simply because it's such a base issue. There's no function in the absence of it. It's not a matter of desire, it's one of the most basic of building blocks to the human psyche.

I need to be needed. I need to be wanted. I need to be defined.

A good many flatly declare at this point that I'm not being 'true' to 'myself'... ignoring the fact that this -is- me at the most fundamental level. I offer control to another because that's who and what I am, quite simply, not out of any wish to discomfort anyone or 'get [my] sick thrills'. Bushwah. I am being true to myself... the only way I know how.

Someone I love dearly worries that I give too much control. I think she's concerned that it's a buried self-destruction penchant manifesting in my personality. It's just who I am.

Who am I? A seeker of truth. In the apparent absence of universal truth, I seek personal truth.
What do I want? To be defined. Molded, if you will. To be useful, wanted, loved.

Most people are not prepared to deal with someone like me, rushing onwards to put distance between us. They can't handle the loss of personal freedoms, viewing such as 'inhumane' or wrong. I know of no way to help them understand, so I simply stand back and let them flee. It is the only way I can help them...

... the only way I can be me...


*hugs*
~Ellie-chan

Comments

*faint chuckle*

[elisabeth.livejournal.com]

Honestly, it seems that every answer unfurls three more questions. Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn't all just abandon digital watches and climb back up into the trees. :p

*hugs*

Re: *faint chuckle*

[wibbble]

Nah. It's fun being so primative that we still think digital watches are kinda cool.

(Says the person who refuses to have one, but does have a digital wall clock.)