... ... ... urg ... ... ...
Nov. 7th, 2002 06:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaIt's 0430... and while the new patch has hit and left me seriously spaced out and loopy, it has -not- brought sleep with it. I guess I almost expected it, to be honest... I seem to spend a good many nights in a mostly incoherent state. I should probably quit mourning it.
As a 'future action' potential, I'm downloading the 51mb OpenOffice package for the virtual Windows OS I spend the bulk of my time in. Nights like -tonight- can, once it's installed, be spent renewing my commitment to my few remaining faithful readers; Stranger and Rose are not lost. I think it's time I began putting down the pseudo-historical interludes, and welding the bits into a whole. While I have -serious- doubts as to the readability of the final product, finishing it will at least give me that much sense of accomplishment. Maybe at that point I can buttonhole R and dare to ask for honest opinions and criticism; it's a step I'm hesitant to make, because I really don't like putting the poor dolly on the spot. It's also a step that I'm unwilling to consider until I've got a full draft to work with. If I start trying to dissect this mess piecemeal... well, it would doom the story. If I've got the entire thing poured out, I can at least chart any changes through the full piece; changing course mid-walk will put me on my nose.
My nose is big enough without the silly thing being swollen from landing on it. Again.
I think perhaps I'd like to get something into print someday... I know of one friend who wanted to be a writer so very badly that he forked out a HUGE wad of money to one of the 'private publishing concerns' that advertise for starving writers. A vanity printing in truth; said publishing concern simply typeset what he had and milled off 100 copies. I was at his house when they arrived, and remember looking at one; 31 typographical errors (all -his- from the original manuscript) on the first page alone. I accidently left my copy behind when I went home... and he died in his sleep that night of a catastrophic heart failure. I believe one copy of his beloved book was buried with him... and I have no idea where the other 99 have wandered off to. Perhaps I'll encounter one again, someday. I guess the dream of being a 'real writer' was all that had been keeping him here.
Personally, I intend to live some once I attain my 'big' dream. We'll see what God has in store for me, eh?
I'm sure that what few readers I have here are noticing that this is a bit more stream of consciousness oriented than many of my posts have been. I've intentionally been trying to keep my journal a bit lighter the last few days while I dealt with the final stages of getting back into therapy. Which reminds me... I've had several people inquire just exactly what the 'intake' sessions have been. I know that a couple of my friends are also (surprise, surprise) in therapy, but let me try and explain for those unfamiliar with it.
Intake is, for this clinic, broken into three major segments
I hope that helps. And since one person did ask.... this is not therapy specific to gender issues, although they certainly do pertain to the difficulties I am having. There are also panic attacks to be dealt with; groups of more than 6 or 7 people, even if I know them, can send me scurrying for a corner... crying like a broken toy. It's why I've not inquired as to whether I'd be welcome at a certain old friend's movie nights... it's definitely not the way to resume a friendship. I'm managing the weekend gaming group simply because they've blessedly kept it small. As things progress, I'm hoping I can push the numbers up another couple...
Time for a Prilosec... the nausea's starting to rise again. That ought to drop me like a sack of potatoes, if I can keep it down long enough to kick in.
*chuckles softly at a recent post* Having fans when your novel is as yet unpublished is simply someone recognising -talent-, darling. *smooch*
Anyway, where was I? Hrm. Estimated financial shortfall this month is $1130. *sigh* And that's not counting the law office that's after Megan for an old credit card. The court date is in early December, and they're not being nice about things at all. I suspect they're going to attempt to garnish her wages... which will totally screw us. Screwed for the earthshaking sum of $791.11... *sigh* It wasn't supposed to happen like this... I had a good job, and was healthy as a horse... and then everything fell apart.
And now even the college I worked for is going to hell in a handbasket. People getting promotions that should have been removed long ago... people being put in positions of power over folks that are half their age and twice their skill... and over a decade of proving that Instructional Computing could stand -competently- on its' own. All of it, right straight to hell. When I think of how much I poured into that place, it breaks my heart to see this. When I first signed on with the college, the spring of 1986, Instructional Computing had just managed to break away from Information Systems. Reasons? Inept managers, ghastly internal politics, and nepotism. I guess maybe Brad, Crystal, Kelly, and I are the only ones that really understand what this means... Brad's too young to remember the bad old days', but Crys and Kelly and I have (I'm sure!) vivid recollections of the hell that was... and now will be again. I wonder what Leonard, Becky, and Erik think of all this, too. I've not spoken to either of them in some time, sadly. This is the 'terrifying nightmare' that all of us fought so long and hard against. Kelly was the first to depart.... he and Blondie had serious problems, and he rightfully had major issues with being ordered to be incompetent. Trust me, it's a -long- story, but that's the jist of it. Crystal was the next out; a position at a rival college opened up, for more money and (in theory) less headaches, and she wisely jumped ship. About that same time, Leonard bailed out to work for Blue Cross; it proved to be a windfall for him, and I salute him for doing so incredibly well. Becky stepped up to try and fill Crys' shoes, Brad was hired in (he was SO cute!), and Erik was fading into the background. I think the idiocy of the management had finally gotten to the big Norwegian... his heart simply wasn't in it anymore. A pity, really; I wanted so badly to learn from him, but his patience was mostly gone by then. Then Becky jumped ship to work with Leonard at Blue Cross, and the sniveling little rat replaced her as Blondie's aide. Never liked the boy, and he proved what kind of slime he was by jumping to Information Systems at first opportunity. His name isn't coming to me.... Crystal? What the hell was his name, do you remember? Anyway, it wasn't too long before Brad jumped ship to Blue Cross as well... leaving me alone. I guess I was simply too stupid to retreat; I waged war alone, using whatever tactics were at hand. Along the way, I personally rewired about 50% of the Instructional computing labs, and directed 30% more. Some of it was eventually contracted out; I had to go behind and fix that. When the old System Engineer flaked, he was deposed and I replaced him. I outlasted nearly every tech I trained... but a lot of that was because I pushed the good ones to get the hell out of PG before it killed them. Like it was killing me. And nearly every step of the way, Blondie and I were at odds... strangely enough, I do consider her a friend, but that's on a social level. She... in my honest opinion, she's not competent at the level she's at -now-, caring more for politics than about her own people. I think that's the issue we went to war over most often; my techs weren't afraid to work hard for me, because they knew I was busting my ass along side them, and fighting for them every step of the way with the upper management. Even the most feared instructors generally knew better than to give my people guff; knowing that the SysEng and Master Tech is willing to stand in front of the Board of Trustees in defense of the tech teams seems to have been a good deterrent. But I'm sidetracked here. After I made SysEng, our Vice President managed a coup that astounded me: Brad was hired back, as Network Manager. *chuckle* My boss. I remember being asked if it would be 'difficult' to work under someone younger than I, that I had had a hand in training... and I remember laughing at them. Personally, I was thrilled he was coming back. Boss, underling, equal, it didn't matter to me a bit. He was someone I -knew- understood what I was fighting for. An ally, no matter his position. And he'd learned an amazing amount of things at Blue Cross... it was nice to be able to be the student again, and he was (when there was time) willing to show me anything I asked. He's an amazing dude, truly . *sigh* My sudden collapse and subsequent departure left him alone there... I think that's the thing I regret most. *sigh* I'm sorry, Brad. I let you down, man...
Maybe I should let him know about this journal... but I think the intimate details would gross the lad out. :p
Whoa... vertigo. Um... I'm gonna wrap this up and try sleeping again. Maybe it'll work this time...
*hugs and cuddles*
~Ellie-chan
As a 'future action' potential, I'm downloading the 51mb OpenOffice package for the virtual Windows OS I spend the bulk of my time in. Nights like -tonight- can, once it's installed, be spent renewing my commitment to my few remaining faithful readers; Stranger and Rose are not lost. I think it's time I began putting down the pseudo-historical interludes, and welding the bits into a whole. While I have -serious- doubts as to the readability of the final product, finishing it will at least give me that much sense of accomplishment. Maybe at that point I can buttonhole R and dare to ask for honest opinions and criticism; it's a step I'm hesitant to make, because I really don't like putting the poor dolly on the spot. It's also a step that I'm unwilling to consider until I've got a full draft to work with. If I start trying to dissect this mess piecemeal... well, it would doom the story. If I've got the entire thing poured out, I can at least chart any changes through the full piece; changing course mid-walk will put me on my nose.
My nose is big enough without the silly thing being swollen from landing on it. Again.
I think perhaps I'd like to get something into print someday... I know of one friend who wanted to be a writer so very badly that he forked out a HUGE wad of money to one of the 'private publishing concerns' that advertise for starving writers. A vanity printing in truth; said publishing concern simply typeset what he had and milled off 100 copies. I was at his house when they arrived, and remember looking at one; 31 typographical errors (all -his- from the original manuscript) on the first page alone. I accidently left my copy behind when I went home... and he died in his sleep that night of a catastrophic heart failure. I believe one copy of his beloved book was buried with him... and I have no idea where the other 99 have wandered off to. Perhaps I'll encounter one again, someday. I guess the dream of being a 'real writer' was all that had been keeping him here.
Personally, I intend to live some once I attain my 'big' dream. We'll see what God has in store for me, eh?
I'm sure that what few readers I have here are noticing that this is a bit more stream of consciousness oriented than many of my posts have been. I've intentionally been trying to keep my journal a bit lighter the last few days while I dealt with the final stages of getting back into therapy. Which reminds me... I've had several people inquire just exactly what the 'intake' sessions have been. I know that a couple of my friends are also (surprise, surprise) in therapy, but let me try and explain for those unfamiliar with it.
Intake is, for this clinic, broken into three major segments
- Initial treatment overview and signing of a pile of records requests and waivers. It also covers basic standards of care, and what conditions permit the clinic to act beyond those standards. It amounts to the legal covering of their proverbial butts.
- Patient history and background. This is what I dealt with on Tuesday that left me so impossibly drained. Gather up everything of importance I've put into this journal since October 14th of this year, add in a few bits and pieces that I've for whatever reason not added to the existing angst stew, stir liberally, and then pour out in a single burst. Writing/typing it out is much easier; when the tears begin to flow to heavy to see, I can pause and try and pull myself together. A one-on-one session makes it that much more difficult... while Linda seems to be a wonderful person, she's not someone I know particularly well, and it's painful to try and talk about some of this stuff. Once this stage is done, appointments for group and individual therapy can be made. I go back into group sessions on Friday.
- Psychiatric evaluation and prescribing of whatever chemical cocktail looks most promising to try and balance me out while in therapy. I've an appointment for this on the 14th. Doctor Ozedmir is booked up, so I'll be seeing someone different this time around. The card's in my purse, but I can't remember the person's name. I think it's a lady, but won't swear to it... just a faint recollection of the new doctor being referred to as 'her'... it's not like it matters to me, other than knowing which pronoun to use.
I hope that helps. And since one person did ask.... this is not therapy specific to gender issues, although they certainly do pertain to the difficulties I am having. There are also panic attacks to be dealt with; groups of more than 6 or 7 people, even if I know them, can send me scurrying for a corner... crying like a broken toy. It's why I've not inquired as to whether I'd be welcome at a certain old friend's movie nights... it's definitely not the way to resume a friendship. I'm managing the weekend gaming group simply because they've blessedly kept it small. As things progress, I'm hoping I can push the numbers up another couple...
Time for a Prilosec... the nausea's starting to rise again. That ought to drop me like a sack of potatoes, if I can keep it down long enough to kick in.
*chuckles softly at a recent post* Having fans when your novel is as yet unpublished is simply someone recognising -talent-, darling. *smooch*
Anyway, where was I? Hrm. Estimated financial shortfall this month is $1130. *sigh* And that's not counting the law office that's after Megan for an old credit card. The court date is in early December, and they're not being nice about things at all. I suspect they're going to attempt to garnish her wages... which will totally screw us. Screwed for the earthshaking sum of $791.11... *sigh* It wasn't supposed to happen like this... I had a good job, and was healthy as a horse... and then everything fell apart.
And now even the college I worked for is going to hell in a handbasket. People getting promotions that should have been removed long ago... people being put in positions of power over folks that are half their age and twice their skill... and over a decade of proving that Instructional Computing could stand -competently- on its' own. All of it, right straight to hell. When I think of how much I poured into that place, it breaks my heart to see this. When I first signed on with the college, the spring of 1986, Instructional Computing had just managed to break away from Information Systems. Reasons? Inept managers, ghastly internal politics, and nepotism. I guess maybe Brad, Crystal, Kelly, and I are the only ones that really understand what this means... Brad's too young to remember the bad old days', but Crys and Kelly and I have (I'm sure!) vivid recollections of the hell that was... and now will be again. I wonder what Leonard, Becky, and Erik think of all this, too. I've not spoken to either of them in some time, sadly. This is the 'terrifying nightmare' that all of us fought so long and hard against. Kelly was the first to depart.... he and Blondie had serious problems, and he rightfully had major issues with being ordered to be incompetent. Trust me, it's a -long- story, but that's the jist of it. Crystal was the next out; a position at a rival college opened up, for more money and (in theory) less headaches, and she wisely jumped ship. About that same time, Leonard bailed out to work for Blue Cross; it proved to be a windfall for him, and I salute him for doing so incredibly well. Becky stepped up to try and fill Crys' shoes, Brad was hired in (he was SO cute!), and Erik was fading into the background. I think the idiocy of the management had finally gotten to the big Norwegian... his heart simply wasn't in it anymore. A pity, really; I wanted so badly to learn from him, but his patience was mostly gone by then. Then Becky jumped ship to work with Leonard at Blue Cross, and the sniveling little rat replaced her as Blondie's aide. Never liked the boy, and he proved what kind of slime he was by jumping to Information Systems at first opportunity. His name isn't coming to me.... Crystal? What the hell was his name, do you remember? Anyway, it wasn't too long before Brad jumped ship to Blue Cross as well... leaving me alone. I guess I was simply too stupid to retreat; I waged war alone, using whatever tactics were at hand. Along the way, I personally rewired about 50% of the Instructional computing labs, and directed 30% more. Some of it was eventually contracted out; I had to go behind and fix that. When the old System Engineer flaked, he was deposed and I replaced him. I outlasted nearly every tech I trained... but a lot of that was because I pushed the good ones to get the hell out of PG before it killed them. Like it was killing me. And nearly every step of the way, Blondie and I were at odds... strangely enough, I do consider her a friend, but that's on a social level. She... in my honest opinion, she's not competent at the level she's at -now-, caring more for politics than about her own people. I think that's the issue we went to war over most often; my techs weren't afraid to work hard for me, because they knew I was busting my ass along side them, and fighting for them every step of the way with the upper management. Even the most feared instructors generally knew better than to give my people guff; knowing that the SysEng and Master Tech is willing to stand in front of the Board of Trustees in defense of the tech teams seems to have been a good deterrent. But I'm sidetracked here. After I made SysEng, our Vice President managed a coup that astounded me: Brad was hired back, as Network Manager. *chuckle* My boss. I remember being asked if it would be 'difficult' to work under someone younger than I, that I had had a hand in training... and I remember laughing at them. Personally, I was thrilled he was coming back. Boss, underling, equal, it didn't matter to me a bit. He was someone I -knew- understood what I was fighting for. An ally, no matter his position. And he'd learned an amazing amount of things at Blue Cross... it was nice to be able to be the student again, and he was (when there was time) willing to show me anything I asked. He's an amazing dude, truly . *sigh* My sudden collapse and subsequent departure left him alone there... I think that's the thing I regret most. *sigh* I'm sorry, Brad. I let you down, man...
Maybe I should let him know about this journal... but I think the intimate details would gross the lad out. :p
Whoa... vertigo. Um... I'm gonna wrap this up and try sleeping again. Maybe it'll work this time...
*hugs and cuddles*
~Ellie-chan
