(no subject)
Oct. 31st, 2005 05:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzilla$23.80
That's what's left of my check, five days into the monthly cycle and my 'share' of the rent.
But I'm not allowed to be upset or to tell her that her numbers are unacceptable. She raises her voice and then slams me with a guilt trip about 'sending her off to class in a good mood', hits me with the secondary 'and I was going to stop and get YOU food on the way back' hammer, and then stalks out the door.
I'm not allowed to be upset.
I'm sitting here shaking. I've ripped out eight paragraphs of obscenity-laden rage from this post. I can't get the tears to stop. For reference, that ~$24 is roughly a half tank of fuel in the truck... which will vanish just from two therapy visits alone. That means no money for any OTHER appointment. And I'm told I can -ask- for money from her 'whenever I need it'... and that she doesn't understand why that just makes me more upset.
I'm not allowed to be upset.
I sure as fuck hope I'm allowed to throw up, as I've done that already in the ten minutes she's been gone. I sure as fuck hope I'm allowed to have the headache that's slammed in in the wake of that.
I'm not allowed to be upset.
I think I'm going to go be sick again.
That's what's left of my check, five days into the monthly cycle and my 'share' of the rent.
But I'm not allowed to be upset or to tell her that her numbers are unacceptable. She raises her voice and then slams me with a guilt trip about 'sending her off to class in a good mood', hits me with the secondary 'and I was going to stop and get YOU food on the way back' hammer, and then stalks out the door.
I'm not allowed to be upset.
I'm sitting here shaking. I've ripped out eight paragraphs of obscenity-laden rage from this post. I can't get the tears to stop. For reference, that ~$24 is roughly a half tank of fuel in the truck... which will vanish just from two therapy visits alone. That means no money for any OTHER appointment. And I'm told I can -ask- for money from her 'whenever I need it'... and that she doesn't understand why that just makes me more upset.
I'm not allowed to be upset.
I sure as fuck hope I'm allowed to throw up, as I've done that already in the ten minutes she's been gone. I sure as fuck hope I'm allowed to have the headache that's slammed in in the wake of that.
I'm not allowed to be upset.
I think I'm going to go be sick again.
