(no subject)

danger calls
it intoxicates
beyond the walls
real excitment waits

adrenaline rush
dance along the ledge
forbidden touch
kiss the razor's edge

limits fade
fear into delight
wicked blade
shining in the light

rip the skies
show us what you feel
cut the ties
touch the naked steel

Can you feel the passion?
Don't you realize?
The only time you feel it
Is when you're playing with knives.

break the glass
stroke the jagged shard
break the rules
press the limit hard

adrenaline rush
dance along the ledge
forbidden touch
kiss the razor's edge

rip the skies
show us what you feel
cut the ties
touch the naked steel

Can you feel the passion?
Don't you realize?
The only time you feel it
Is when you're playing with knives.

The lyric, for those who don't recognize is, is Can You Feel The Passion? from Blue Pearl. It found its' way into my collection (and thence into my soul) by way of a compilation entitled Rave 'Til Dawn. The song itself sits on the hazy bar between Rave and Trance, and is one of the few I've encountered that does justice to both. There's more truth to the lyric content than most folks care to admit... and it would seem to be a major lack in my life at present.

There's precious little that actually -stirs- me. Bits of RP via the 7th Sea game I'm involved with have managed it, conversations with my Mistress and with Rowan, and music. It's all that's left in my increasingly sedentary existance that gets my blood moving again. Those that -know- me are aware that often times my musical tastes (Manowar, Iced Earth, trance and rave material, Savatage, and some anime soundtrack material) are dear BECAUSE they get me going. The trance/rave material and the Manowar library are the unquestioned champions in this category; an hour of listening to Manowar has me looking for something vaguely swordlike, with intent to maim the oppressors in a bloody feast of adrenal joy.

I use it sparingly. :p In that condition, pain becomes completely irrelevant, and I've full access to strength and reflexes honed in the warzone that was the Green in Chicago, and further sharpened through bodyguard and bouncing work. I've begun using it to fuel the suicidal cleaning attacks on this house, with astounding effect. In spite of desparaging comments made by my last houseguest, I had a functional living room when they arrived rather than a path from the door back into the house carved through piles of unsorted detritus. The seventeen bags of trash that went out to the curb were a testament to just -how- bad things had gotten.

But the flip side to that is the knowledge that that strength is ungoverned. The living room used to have a trio of porcelain-with-14k-gold-accent vases... only one remains, and it's in the 'to be repaired' pile. There's no grace to the power; it's akin to using a bulldozer as a vacuum cleaner. If the tasks are delicate, then you'd more than likely find Journey, Rush, Styx, or Triumph playing, as a focus for my concentration.

But my worry is that there's no where -near- enough application left for that power... and that I'm slowly sliding into an activity coma. I'm not sure if anything can be done about this at present; there's too much in the way of bulk obstacles in the way of me changing my home situation for the time being. But I'm also worried that my -mind- is rotting on the vine. I used to be /heavily/ involved in online roleplaying, with anywhere from three to five 'worlds' open at once. Now, I find that focusing on -one- for a couple hours leaves me drained and deadened. I worry. As I've told Rowan repeatedly, worry is what I -do-. But I don't know how to counteract this. My recent foray into ravaging eBook libraries was partly to try and combat this. It's working to an extent, but ... well, I'm rarely satisfied with myself, and this is no exception.

*shakes her head* All of which means very little to anyone besides me, I'm afraid. But I've been chastised in the past about refusing to face truth and avoiding showing my feelings, so here it is. :p

*ponders* Next time I get some 'free' money, I need to hit a music store and pick up more techno/trance/rave/industrial stuff. Maybe freshening my collection would help. Anyway, that's me. I guess I'll wander on, now.

*hugs*
~Elisabeth