It's been on my mind...

[cabbitzilla]

This isn't a 'light and fluffy' post. If you monitor my journal for the quizzie content, then keep looking.

Just not here.

I'm watching as a subset group of my friends both local and via LJ all venture into territory that I explored long ago, in spite of warnings and gentle prods about its uselessness. I suspect it's a defensive reaction; a means of finding reasons to stay as they are, rather than accept things and learn to work through or around whatever shortcomings they may have. In the end, it boils down to an It's Not My Fault! response, even though the ones applying it will vehemently deny any such thing. It seems to manifest in two distinct areas, which I'll tackle one at a time... both of which I've had to wade through myself and have come out the other side going 'What the fsck was I -thinking-?!'.

The first area seems to be the driving need to find 'names' for traits/quirks/conditions a person feels they're suffering from. I got backhanded into this one after I was diagnosed with something I'd never even /heard/ of before, and spent a good bit of time wallowing about in it and feeling sorry for myself. While there /are/ some syndromes/complexes/diseases that it's necessary to lear where limits are, for the most part it's /all/ about self-pity and the refusal to change. The folks that are close to me are all very aware that I spent a good year and a half having a humongous pity party for myself; I'm not proud of it at /all/... it's probably the most shameful and perversely selfish thing I've ever done. With the realization of what I'd done, several conclusions emerged that I've heard echoed and confirmed from others:

1. Rummaging about for a syndrome/complex/disease for ever quirk and wobble in yourself is a crutch... an excuse to cheat and not try to simply deal with what's going on.
2. The more this 'cheat' is used, the easier it becomes to use it for more and more, and the simpler it gets to just hide inside yourself and do /nothing/ 'dangerous' like learning and growing.
3. While it appears that folks around your are giving you sympathy, what's /really/ going on is that you're teaching those people that you're undependable, unmotivated, and unwilling to try and continue forward.
4. As folks learn that they can no longer depend on you, they'll take their problems/projects/thoughts elsewhere, giving the illusion of 'taking it easy' on you.
5. The longer this trend continues, the harder it is to break and start moving forward again. Also, the longer it continues, the fewer people you'll have that still have the time to talk to you.
6. This loop repeats until you're completely alone... at which point it becomes frighteningly easy to point fingers at all the 'former friends' and blame them for a process you yourself started and perpetuated.

It's a /trap/. It starts off looking like a reasoned attempt to discover more about what's going on, but that's simply an intellectual conceit masking refusal to come to terms with who and what you are. For me... yeah, I hurt. I hurt like hell. And there're days when I'll post that, and little else. But on those days I'm -still- getting up and getting dressed and doing laundry and tending my guinea pigs and trying to do something in the way of a prepared dinner. The pain does limit me somewhat, but I no longer permit it to stop me utterly.

The second area is even more insidious, but when you strip the veneer away it's basically the /same/ damned thing: Better Living through Modern Chemistry. Which is not to say that some medicines aren't very necessary, which is why this one is trickier. Taking one or three or six meds that /help/ is not what I have issue with, here; I'm next to useless without my pain meds. The trouble starts when the meds are being taken without any attempt to keep going/doing/learning/growing... basically declaring 'I'm fscked up because of [x], and take these pills, and that means I'm incapable of doing things any way but my own'. The very crucial difference in this area is the use of those medications as a shield against hurt feelings and diminished expectations, essentially refusing to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. Being on some medicine does /not/ give you some sort of Diplomatic Immunity; you're still human, you still live in the world with everyone else, and you're still expected to pull your own weight. I know for a fact that /using/ 'meds' or 'conditions' as excuses creates a -LOT- of residual anger in the people around you, which is then rationalized off as 'They don't understand me' or 'Why are they so hard on me'... and the cycle then repeats. Here's the truth, for those who really want to know: They -do- understand you, and they understand -exactly- what you're trying to pull. They're 'so hard' on you because you're being selfish and lazy, expecting extra permissions and lattitude because you're determined not to grow. Take a long hard look at the list above, substituting 'Expecting that being on medication is going to get you slack in your day to day life' for the first part of the first statement... the rest of the list is -exactly- the same.

Now, having gotten through that, there are a couple of needed caveats that apply.

• Actual physical infirmaties, be they pain or broken bones or falling off the roof, WILL slow a person down a bit. It's necessary to take stock of the things you're doing in the day, and trim the list gently until you're not collapsing into a writhing heap... at that point, you've become a MAJOR burden. Trust me, I've done it, and felt horrible for managing to inconvenience everyone.
• 'Slowing down' is /not/ an acceptable excuse for giving up, doing nothing, and letting yourself rot. It's simply -slowing down- a bit, and that's ALL.
• Expect that there are some circles where people WILL be harder on you than others; this happens a lot in a group where the others have all had to deal with the same things -you- are dealing with, and that they've never let it stop them. They'll be TOTALLY intollerant of excuses, and may do anything from simply going silent to walking away in disgust to errupting in anger. Instead of whimpering at how 'mean' they're being, take a long hard look at the fact that they know you and your 'limits' a lot better than you'd imagined.
• Self pity is destructive both to yourself and to your relationships with others. If that's the road you want to walk, you're going to be walking without me. Period. Part of -my- 'slowing down' has facing the fact that I no longer have the time, patience, energy, or will to mollycoddle someone intent on wallowing in their 'issues'.
• I no longer expect mollycoddling for myself. Yes, I've got a long list of stuff wrong with me, but I'm still alive and still pushing forward. Some of my friends already have the laughing reputation of whacking me in the head with a clue-by-four (or running my plump butt over with the aptly named 'clue tank') when I dip into the 'woe is me's. I sincerely hope that they will /continue/ to do so, in spite of the irritation it may cause at the moment (yes, Lys, and yes, Mistress, I'm talking to -both- of you :p).

And I think I'm done for the moment. This has been on my mind for a couple months, actually, and it seemed a good time to dump it out for the world at large to look over. Comments and criticisms are welcome, flames are all routed to /dev/null and ignored, and I love you all.

*smooch*
~Ellie, philosophical cabbit

Comments

[llieno.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

I hope you don't mean me...I was like that once, but I try not to be often, as it upsets all my friends!!!

*cuddles*

Oh, and thats a beautiful icon you have^^