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Jul. 23rd, 2003 01:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cabbitzillaNow that I've had a chance to bare my soul to my beloved Owyn, and make sure that no misunderstandings arise, I can lay out some more details as to what occurred during the con.
I was out of the public eye for most all of the day Sunday; even though it was the final day of the con, there proved to be greater things in the works than I'd bargained on. I summarized it fairly concisely in an email that went to R... I'll go ahead and include it here...
My new Mistress' is Lady Sapphire. A close friend for nearly a decade, a former sisterpet and mate... and things ... shifted... Sunday morning, and caught us both by surprise. When we first arrived at the con, the tightly packed crowds ... overwhelmed my shields. She caught it before /I/ did, and had already maneuvered herself to catch me before I could even look to her for help. She refocused me, and guided me through, and patched me back up. It... was a very odd sensation; she and I had been sisters and mates for so very long, but it was just... natural to follow her.
We'd talked about my lack of an Owner the last time she visited; I'd told her then how similar in personality/responses she was to Lady Winter and that that was one of the things that had initially drawn me to her... but that something just seemed to be missing. And Friday night, when we finally met back up in the hotel room, that conversation played back in my mind as she carefully unbuttoned my dress and unlaced my corset. There was a weird kind of echo there, something I couldn't nail down right then. Saturday, we went off in search of a laundromat so that I could wash the dress and wear it again, and grab a bite to eat. When we got back to the hotel, she laced me back into the corset (12.5 hours Friday, 14.5 hours Saturday), and that odd echo was there again.
I was out and about for the entire afternoon and most of the night; each time Lady Sapphire and I crossed trails she'd pump water into me, make sure I was okay, help me fix my dress... still more echos, and one very VERY puzzled bunny. I did a bit of shopping, then caught the end of the Masquerade and part of the Rave, and then hooked up with one of the TransFurred folk and wandered up to his room for a while.
He and I chatted and geeked at each other for a long while, eventually wandering back downstairs so I could have a cigarette, and then up to the room Lady Sapphire and I were sharing, hoping she'd be there. 4am, no Lady, one oddly disappointed bunny needing OUT of the corset, and one cute gentleman. So he got me out of the dress, and then the corset... and it felt... *thinks* It felt a lot like what a 'flat' soda tastes like. No echo, no nothing. We chatted some more, before he decided that 5:30am was more than late enough. I managed to bag a kiss before he left; it was nice, but again it felt... flat.
After he left, I fluttered around the room for a bit, neatening and straightening for a while; both beds got straightened, pillows got fluffed, towels rehung, clothes sorted... just busywork, really, but it was nice to do it. She'd not come back yet, so I took my meds and crawled into bed. I didn't hear the door, but I was suddenly wide awake when she came in. We talked for another hour, and then both bedded down, and this time sleep came immediately. Sunday, when we woke up, neither of us felt particularly ambitious. We sat in the room and talked. And talked. And talked. And the entire time, I'm tugging at the strands of a puzzle; the echo was back, and now it was more of a reverb effect than an actual echo.
Woven through the conversation were tiny bits of getting more water and food into me, which triggered an apology from me for not listening to her better, and for messing myself up. Somewhere, about halfway through the apology, the timbre of the conversation changed, and I found myself very -solidly- in subspace; something that only you and Marcia had managed since I left Lady Winter's Hearth. And from that perspective, I knew exactly what the reverb was... Lady Sapphire had managed to forge a Bond with me. What I was hearing was what -SHE- was hearing, a tic behind my own perceptions.
And right as I was trying to sift that all out, she gathered me into a huge hug, answering my apology with an amused 'And next time, you'll -listen- to me?'... and the last piece slid into place with a sudden pang of homesickness. I'd walled off the loneliness as much as I could, trying to keep myself sane until things sorted out properly again, and those walls crumbled to dust. I remember being rocked in her arms as she whispered how proud she was of me, and how strong I was, and how pretty I was... and all I could do was blubber incoherently at her.
Time... passed. I lost about a half hour to being a sobbing wreck; she held me the entire time soothing and petting and fretting over me... and as I surfaced again, there was a ... flicker. I don't know how to describe it. It.... looked an awful lot like the hand-dipped candles that Lady Winter kept in the candelabra in the study... the candles I lit every evening for Her. It was there, just above and behind the Lady's head as I looked up and then it was gone again... and I realized that there was a second part to the reverb; this felt like home. Home the way it -should- be. And the next words out of my mouth were a request to Serve. I... I'm not sure what She saw, either in my eyes or around me or in her own mind's eye, but She stared at me for a moment, and then accepted. With the condition that I permit her to help me towards 'showing the girl [She] sees to everyone'... a condition I accepted with a slow nod. The conversation that followed was equal parts negotiation, relief, and humor (fur suiters + ninjas = fat person in a chicken suit, dressed as a ninja. It's a -long- story. And I added chicken suits to my short list of 'not gonna happen' things.) We've got a rough framework in place, and a -very- rough contract in verbal form worked out; there're details to be sorted out, but most of my squick points (whips, branding, needles, electrical play, asphyxia play [which I got out of after the Pontiac nearly crushed me], full head enclosures [see asphyxia play], being used as a flogging post) are also squick points for Her, so the bulk of the heavy stuff is in place.
And now I need to backtrack a bit, because there's a thread that needs to be woven in: Friday afternoon, after I returned to the hotel from my trip back down to Baltimore, Sapphire and I ... Lady Sapphire (some patterns are hard to break) and I got talking about living situations, potential places to move, who knows how to do what, who's -good- at what, and on. There's a guy that lives a bit south of me, Hobbes, whom I've mentioned in the past in my journal. She and I both seemed to pick him as the best suited third out of the single folks we knew.
The reason the backtrack becomes important is that She's now looking much more seriously at the idea. As with anything (especially in my life) it's a long-term thing. I've outlined in painstaking detail the sequencing needed for me to approach hormones, and through them surgery, so she's aware of all of the little bits that I generally don't rattle on about. But... wow. That's where that is. I'm home again, after ten years of wandering. It looks different, but it's still very much home. She's adamant about me maintaining my contacts and diversions with family and friends, and even poked me rather hard about not seeing any new story material from me in forever.
And I'm not cold anymore.
*hugs* Other than that, it was a fun con (aside from the elevators breaking down AGAIN this year). Much fun and madness ensued, and I got a -tonne- of compliments on my dress, one marriage proposal (that was nervously retracted after I explained my preop status), and got me felt up half a dozen times. All in all, a wonderful experience. Unfortunately, there aren't any pictures (at least none that I have)... so I'm going to be watching the fan sites and hoping that one of the many pics I ended up in gets posted somewhere.
There -is- one other person I need to have a talk with, but Mari's player doesn't seem to want to read along here, and seems determined to avoid anything that tinges on 'real' with anyone besides themselves, so... that one's a 'whenever' one. Basically, I'm in a situation where nothing has changed, even though EVERYTHING has changed. My priorities still are what they were; weight, then cigs, then hair removal, then hormones, then surgery. My immediate tasks (cleaning this house, for example) are still there. But... well, today is a good example. I hurt like hell... literally, I feel like I've been run over by a log truck... but I'm cheerful, upbeat, smiling.
I'm warm.
After being cold inside for so very long, I can't even begin to describe the sensation. But I knew I needed to try, given that the response I was getting from everyone was (as R so aptly put it) DETAILS!!!. :P
*hugs*
I'm going to take a break for a bit, and stomp on badguybutt in Diablo II. Then I need to crank back into the laundry. I've a lot to get done... but somehow it no longer looks like the Matterhorn...
~Ellie-chan
I was out of the public eye for most all of the day Sunday; even though it was the final day of the con, there proved to be greater things in the works than I'd bargained on. I summarized it fairly concisely in an email that went to R... I'll go ahead and include it here...
My new Mistress' is Lady Sapphire. A close friend for nearly a decade, a former sisterpet and mate... and things ... shifted... Sunday morning, and caught us both by surprise. When we first arrived at the con, the tightly packed crowds ... overwhelmed my shields. She caught it before /I/ did, and had already maneuvered herself to catch me before I could even look to her for help. She refocused me, and guided me through, and patched me back up. It... was a very odd sensation; she and I had been sisters and mates for so very long, but it was just... natural to follow her.
We'd talked about my lack of an Owner the last time she visited; I'd told her then how similar in personality/responses she was to Lady Winter and that that was one of the things that had initially drawn me to her... but that something just seemed to be missing. And Friday night, when we finally met back up in the hotel room, that conversation played back in my mind as she carefully unbuttoned my dress and unlaced my corset. There was a weird kind of echo there, something I couldn't nail down right then. Saturday, we went off in search of a laundromat so that I could wash the dress and wear it again, and grab a bite to eat. When we got back to the hotel, she laced me back into the corset (12.5 hours Friday, 14.5 hours Saturday), and that odd echo was there again.
I was out and about for the entire afternoon and most of the night; each time Lady Sapphire and I crossed trails she'd pump water into me, make sure I was okay, help me fix my dress... still more echos, and one very VERY puzzled bunny. I did a bit of shopping, then caught the end of the Masquerade and part of the Rave, and then hooked up with one of the TransFurred folk and wandered up to his room for a while.
He and I chatted and geeked at each other for a long while, eventually wandering back downstairs so I could have a cigarette, and then up to the room Lady Sapphire and I were sharing, hoping she'd be there. 4am, no Lady, one oddly disappointed bunny needing OUT of the corset, and one cute gentleman. So he got me out of the dress, and then the corset... and it felt... *thinks* It felt a lot like what a 'flat' soda tastes like. No echo, no nothing. We chatted some more, before he decided that 5:30am was more than late enough. I managed to bag a kiss before he left; it was nice, but again it felt... flat.
After he left, I fluttered around the room for a bit, neatening and straightening for a while; both beds got straightened, pillows got fluffed, towels rehung, clothes sorted... just busywork, really, but it was nice to do it. She'd not come back yet, so I took my meds and crawled into bed. I didn't hear the door, but I was suddenly wide awake when she came in. We talked for another hour, and then both bedded down, and this time sleep came immediately. Sunday, when we woke up, neither of us felt particularly ambitious. We sat in the room and talked. And talked. And talked. And the entire time, I'm tugging at the strands of a puzzle; the echo was back, and now it was more of a reverb effect than an actual echo.
Woven through the conversation were tiny bits of getting more water and food into me, which triggered an apology from me for not listening to her better, and for messing myself up. Somewhere, about halfway through the apology, the timbre of the conversation changed, and I found myself very -solidly- in subspace; something that only you and Marcia had managed since I left Lady Winter's Hearth. And from that perspective, I knew exactly what the reverb was... Lady Sapphire had managed to forge a Bond with me. What I was hearing was what -SHE- was hearing, a tic behind my own perceptions.
And right as I was trying to sift that all out, she gathered me into a huge hug, answering my apology with an amused 'And next time, you'll -listen- to me?'... and the last piece slid into place with a sudden pang of homesickness. I'd walled off the loneliness as much as I could, trying to keep myself sane until things sorted out properly again, and those walls crumbled to dust. I remember being rocked in her arms as she whispered how proud she was of me, and how strong I was, and how pretty I was... and all I could do was blubber incoherently at her.
Time... passed. I lost about a half hour to being a sobbing wreck; she held me the entire time soothing and petting and fretting over me... and as I surfaced again, there was a ... flicker. I don't know how to describe it. It.... looked an awful lot like the hand-dipped candles that Lady Winter kept in the candelabra in the study... the candles I lit every evening for Her. It was there, just above and behind the Lady's head as I looked up and then it was gone again... and I realized that there was a second part to the reverb; this felt like home. Home the way it -should- be. And the next words out of my mouth were a request to Serve. I... I'm not sure what She saw, either in my eyes or around me or in her own mind's eye, but She stared at me for a moment, and then accepted. With the condition that I permit her to help me towards 'showing the girl [She] sees to everyone'... a condition I accepted with a slow nod. The conversation that followed was equal parts negotiation, relief, and humor (fur suiters + ninjas = fat person in a chicken suit, dressed as a ninja. It's a -long- story. And I added chicken suits to my short list of 'not gonna happen' things.) We've got a rough framework in place, and a -very- rough contract in verbal form worked out; there're details to be sorted out, but most of my squick points (whips, branding, needles, electrical play, asphyxia play [which I got out of after the Pontiac nearly crushed me], full head enclosures [see asphyxia play], being used as a flogging post) are also squick points for Her, so the bulk of the heavy stuff is in place.
And now I need to backtrack a bit, because there's a thread that needs to be woven in: Friday afternoon, after I returned to the hotel from my trip back down to Baltimore, Sapphire and I ... Lady Sapphire (some patterns are hard to break) and I got talking about living situations, potential places to move, who knows how to do what, who's -good- at what, and on. There's a guy that lives a bit south of me, Hobbes, whom I've mentioned in the past in my journal. She and I both seemed to pick him as the best suited third out of the single folks we knew.
The reason the backtrack becomes important is that She's now looking much more seriously at the idea. As with anything (especially in my life) it's a long-term thing. I've outlined in painstaking detail the sequencing needed for me to approach hormones, and through them surgery, so she's aware of all of the little bits that I generally don't rattle on about. But... wow. That's where that is. I'm home again, after ten years of wandering. It looks different, but it's still very much home. She's adamant about me maintaining my contacts and diversions with family and friends, and even poked me rather hard about not seeing any new story material from me in forever.
And I'm not cold anymore.
*hugs* Other than that, it was a fun con (aside from the elevators breaking down AGAIN this year). Much fun and madness ensued, and I got a -tonne- of compliments on my dress, one marriage proposal (that was nervously retracted after I explained my preop status), and got me felt up half a dozen times. All in all, a wonderful experience. Unfortunately, there aren't any pictures (at least none that I have)... so I'm going to be watching the fan sites and hoping that one of the many pics I ended up in gets posted somewhere.
There -is- one other person I need to have a talk with, but Mari's player doesn't seem to want to read along here, and seems determined to avoid anything that tinges on 'real' with anyone besides themselves, so... that one's a 'whenever' one. Basically, I'm in a situation where nothing has changed, even though EVERYTHING has changed. My priorities still are what they were; weight, then cigs, then hair removal, then hormones, then surgery. My immediate tasks (cleaning this house, for example) are still there. But... well, today is a good example. I hurt like hell... literally, I feel like I've been run over by a log truck... but I'm cheerful, upbeat, smiling.
I'm warm.
After being cold inside for so very long, I can't even begin to describe the sensation. But I knew I needed to try, given that the response I was getting from everyone was (as R so aptly put it) DETAILS!!!. :P
*hugs*
I'm going to take a break for a bit, and stomp on badguybutt in Diablo II. Then I need to crank back into the laundry. I've a lot to get done... but somehow it no longer looks like the Matterhorn...
~Ellie-chan
