cabbitzilla (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-07-27 02:53 pm
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-07-27 02:53 pm
(no subject)
This began life as a response comment to my Mistress' journal, but it ended up being something a bit more than a simple reply and wound up here.
Focus ... is something that was recently given back to me. When I have it, it's complete... and nothing gets in the way of that. (I confirmed Friday that OCD was also part of my diagnosis... Tina seemed amused to note that I 'wasn't sure' she'd 'noticed'. :p) But it's a good thing; a lot of things got done yesterday, and more still will get done today.
The deadwood is being swept aside; there's no longer any room for much of it. That my Mistress also requested such elevates it from desire to mandate. The need to be wanted, loved, and approved of by that One is... quite strong. *wry smile* Something my Lady knows better than I myself, unless I'm mistaken.
As I look around, I'm discovering that the folks that were flagged in my mind as 'special' really -are-; to a one they're talented, highly intelligent (and often astoundingly depressed and self loathing) folk who on a very -primal- level understand that life is more than simple appearances. Artists, writers, Seers, philosophers, warriors, Scholars ... it's quite an impressive Circle. None of them want to hear how much they mean to me, none believe in themselves, and each and every one of them is capable of amazing things. The writers are convinced that they suck, write trash, and are unloveable. The artists are -THOROUGHLY- convinced that they suck... even though the work they turn out hits chords within others. For the longest time my desktop background was of a tiny fairy, sitting on the lip of an icecream sundae... but no words from me seem able to convince these marvelous folks that they don't 'suck'. But it seems to go with the territory; each of these individuals carry the potential to FOCUS like I have under the loving touch of my Mistress. They carry within them the future of us all... but they've been so badly treated by the unwashed masses that they've lost sight of the reason they're here.
I'm at a loss; I simply don't know how to correct this. But my instincts, even as unfocused as they were, have always been to hold them and love them and remind them how important they are to -me-. As I clear away the detritus that's accumulated around me whilst I slowly slid into madness, I'm hoping that a way (or ways, I'm not picky) to reach these acclaimed individuals will appear. It may be something that won't fully come on line until my Lady has actually established a Home for us. I'll continue trying my best in the interim, though.
The reason this comes up actually ties to the focus issues. I obssess on things, tuning everything out while I accomplish a goal that's taunting me. (Yes, I know I'm demonizing random chance, but it's a convenience thing for putting it into text.) My presence on the various chat clients has been markedly less over the last week or so; there've been things here I had to get done before they drove me buggy. They include, in no particular order:
I've been busy. :p But I've not forgotten any of 'my' people, and never will. You've been warned. :p
~Ellie-chan
Focus ... is something that was recently given back to me. When I have it, it's complete... and nothing gets in the way of that. (I confirmed Friday that OCD was also part of my diagnosis... Tina seemed amused to note that I 'wasn't sure' she'd 'noticed'. :p) But it's a good thing; a lot of things got done yesterday, and more still will get done today.
The deadwood is being swept aside; there's no longer any room for much of it. That my Mistress also requested such elevates it from desire to mandate. The need to be wanted, loved, and approved of by that One is... quite strong. *wry smile* Something my Lady knows better than I myself, unless I'm mistaken.
As I look around, I'm discovering that the folks that were flagged in my mind as 'special' really -are-; to a one they're talented, highly intelligent (and often astoundingly depressed and self loathing) folk who on a very -primal- level understand that life is more than simple appearances. Artists, writers, Seers, philosophers, warriors, Scholars ... it's quite an impressive Circle. None of them want to hear how much they mean to me, none believe in themselves, and each and every one of them is capable of amazing things. The writers are convinced that they suck, write trash, and are unloveable. The artists are -THOROUGHLY- convinced that they suck... even though the work they turn out hits chords within others. For the longest time my desktop background was of a tiny fairy, sitting on the lip of an icecream sundae... but no words from me seem able to convince these marvelous folks that they don't 'suck'. But it seems to go with the territory; each of these individuals carry the potential to FOCUS like I have under the loving touch of my Mistress. They carry within them the future of us all... but they've been so badly treated by the unwashed masses that they've lost sight of the reason they're here.
I'm at a loss; I simply don't know how to correct this. But my instincts, even as unfocused as they were, have always been to hold them and love them and remind them how important they are to -me-. As I clear away the detritus that's accumulated around me whilst I slowly slid into madness, I'm hoping that a way (or ways, I'm not picky) to reach these acclaimed individuals will appear. It may be something that won't fully come on line until my Lady has actually established a Home for us. I'll continue trying my best in the interim, though.
The reason this comes up actually ties to the focus issues. I obssess on things, tuning everything out while I accomplish a goal that's taunting me. (Yes, I know I'm demonizing random chance, but it's a convenience thing for putting it into text.) My presence on the various chat clients has been markedly less over the last week or so; there've been things here I had to get done before they drove me buggy. They include, in no particular order:
- Cleaning this house
- The kitchen's cleaned, for the most part, now.
- The area around my desk is now mostly cleaned.
- A dent has been made in the living room. The sofa's visable again. :p
- Laundry's about half caught up.
- Both piggy cages got scoured and redone.
- Finishing Acts IV & V in Diablo 2. Completing the game allows me to play in Hardcore mode, now.
- restructuring my dietary intake, and quadrupling my water intake. I -will- lose weight.
- Repairing the vacuum so I can really -clean-. I now know where the pipe is blocked, but I've had to order a special tool to get at it. [Electrolux vac's are a pain in my ass. :p]
I've been busy. :p But I've not forgotten any of 'my' people, and never will. You've been warned. :p
~Ellie-chan
Cascade
I hope I'm not reading it wrong.. and I hope there are many fewer 'snooze alarms' such as I've witnessed in the past eight years.
no subject
We're all working on improving ourselves, Dear. I don't consider myself a good enough writer... yet. But I'm working on improving a bit of talent for it into a skill for it with an eye towards getting stories completed, fleshed out and published.
We're all our own worst critics and that's both boon and bane. It makes us seek to better ourselves but it can also make us think the struggle isn't worth the result.
Let's be cheerleaders for each other, then we can help each other lift themselves up by the bootstraps
*hugs*
Constant Amazement
no subject
And then something will happen. Something completely unrelated. Something that at the time seemed so insignificantas to escape or avoid notice. And the seeds will form in the backs of their minds, ready to flourish under the water that is provided by friends and things. Obsession and focus.. they're not bad thins when they're put toward the purpose of 'right'. Even the most skeptical of dreamers can develop passion and... damn, it's good to see it when someone starts to realize their potential.