cabbitzilla (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-02-16 09:26 pm
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-02-16 09:26 pm
(no subject)
Okay, so it's not been a fabulous day. I'm out of cigarettes, snowed in behind over two feet of snow (and still falling!), not in possession of a running automobile (and couldn't drive anywhere even if I were), and locked in yet another of my seemingly endless black funks.
Add to that Megan and I going at it at full bore for over three hours, today. At the decibel peak of the argument, Megan demanded 'the truth'... meaning all the things I've not said. And may God have mercy on me, I was angry enough that I laid it alll out. Pain beyond what words can describe, being forced to continue doing the bulk of the work in the house due to her inherent laziness, my fears of people, the fact that I was completely buckling under the strain of supporting -her-, and just how much effort it takes to even look passably 'normal'.
As a footnote to that... I'll add that last information here. About half of the people on my friends list have met me, but the majority of those that have haven't seen much at -all- of me in the last couple of years. The one exception to that would be![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nightambre, and I'm sure she's noticed, but she's generally too kind to rub such things in my face. The strokes caused a lot of nerve damage in the left side of my face. With practice and concentration, I can make it work mostly like normal... but when I tire, it starts to go slack. Bad days now include drooling. :( I fight to maintain an appearance of normality, and manage it as long as I don't end up in the spotlight... bot only for bits at a time. So on top of my already massive issues with people in general, and pleasing the ones I love... I get to deal with the fact that when I tire I look like a freak. *sigh* Masque, darling, this is the other half of the 'why' of my stress during your visit. I'm sorry. Being open about it... takes more effort than I can normally manage.
And when I come back online, there's a bit of a spat running in my journal.... over something I thought was harmless and amusing from a historical perspective. Aswibbble noted, my timing with this particular piece couldn't have been worse. In truth, I don't much keep track of the news anymore. I know the broad pattern of events, and that lets me see down the road a bit so I know what I need to be prepared for, but I generally do not follow the details. I find the media (/any/ media) to be far too biased for my tastes.
So here I sit, watching the fallout rain around me. Surrounded by firefights and inclement weather, I'm trapped in my home without the single vice I yet cling to. And I wonder when the hurting is going to stop....
Add to that Megan and I going at it at full bore for over three hours, today. At the decibel peak of the argument, Megan demanded 'the truth'... meaning all the things I've not said. And may God have mercy on me, I was angry enough that I laid it alll out. Pain beyond what words can describe, being forced to continue doing the bulk of the work in the house due to her inherent laziness, my fears of people, the fact that I was completely buckling under the strain of supporting -her-, and just how much effort it takes to even look passably 'normal'.
As a footnote to that... I'll add that last information here. About half of the people on my friends list have met me, but the majority of those that have haven't seen much at -all- of me in the last couple of years. The one exception to that would be
nightambre, and I'm sure she's noticed, but she's generally too kind to rub such things in my face. The strokes caused a lot of nerve damage in the left side of my face. With practice and concentration, I can make it work mostly like normal... but when I tire, it starts to go slack. Bad days now include drooling. :( I fight to maintain an appearance of normality, and manage it as long as I don't end up in the spotlight... bot only for bits at a time. So on top of my already massive issues with people in general, and pleasing the ones I love... I get to deal with the fact that when I tire I look like a freak. *sigh* Masque, darling, this is the other half of the 'why' of my stress during your visit. I'm sorry. Being open about it... takes more effort than I can normally manage.And when I come back online, there's a bit of a spat running in my journal.... over something I thought was harmless and amusing from a historical perspective. As
wibbble noted, my timing with this particular piece couldn't have been worse. In truth, I don't much keep track of the news anymore. I know the broad pattern of events, and that lets me see down the road a bit so I know what I need to be prepared for, but I generally do not follow the details. I find the media (/any/ media) to be far too biased for my tastes.So here I sit, watching the fallout rain around me. Surrounded by firefights and inclement weather, I'm trapped in my home without the single vice I yet cling to. And I wonder when the hurting is going to stop....
no subject
no subject
I'm sorry to hear that things have taken such a rough turn the last day or so and I'm sorry that I had a hand in creating some of that tension.
As for when I visited, I would say there were good cases of nervousness on both sides. I knew going in that you had health problems. Even with that, I did not notice anything undue in your appearance or behaviour.
Here's to things looking better in the very near future! *hugs*
Masque