cabbitzilla (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cabbitzilla) wrote2002-10-28 07:10 pm
cabbitzilla) wrote2002-10-28 07:10 pm
Backdraft...
I seem to have sparked more than a little worry this morning... such was not my intent, I promise.
And I've sat and cried for almost an hour over the responses both public and private... I have some truly wonderful people as friends. The earlier entry was NOT a 'screw you, go away' post for anyone, so the few I haven't heard from PLEASE don't think that.
What that was, in all honesty, is the 'people anxiety' I've been dealing with since I was a child. Some of the few folks that know me personally have noticed that if there're more than 4 people in the room with me, I start to retreat into myself. More than 7, and I'm a wallflower. More than 10, and I'm outside.... and outside becomes 'leaving' when it crests 15. How I managed to survive for fifteen years working for a college is another matter entirely...
People frighten me. *sigh*
I... do all right if I can overfocus on one or two... that'll let me survive a larger gathering. But that level of attentiveness ... is generally not considered 'normal'... and might be why I gravitated to the BDSM scene in the first place. At the time, I had no other way to explain this tendency... though now I'm very much aware that 'doll' is far more accurate in regards to me than 'pet' or 'slave' -ever- was. And the mismatch between the proper definitions of the terms explains why I've burned out more Owners than should be possible.
I'm needy.
The folks that try to meet that neediness typically get drained dry. I wish I knew how to stop the process... the friends I have now are treasured members of my personal family. They're all precious and dear to me (Yes, even YOU, R!) and I desperately want to hold on to all of them. But I'm afraid that 'holding on' to them will burn -them- out one by one. There's enough blood on my hands and conscience to REALLY want to avoid doing such to people I love. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just let go, and let them be free... and then I remember that flying under Tiphares means death. A lifetime in a gilded cage... or thirty seconds of freedom punctuated by a violent and sudden end.
I ... wonder some times if the 'bold and brassy' shell I've built hasn't become my very own gilded cage. I wonder if anyone sees the frightened little girl working the levers and switches from within, making the giant walk and talk and be...
... and... I wonder if I can still get out of the giant... it... it's very dark in here, and a bit lonely... I ... want out. But every time I start believing it might be safe to try and slip out for a bit... to fly for just a bit... ... every time...
And I've sat and cried for almost an hour over the responses both public and private... I have some truly wonderful people as friends. The earlier entry was NOT a 'screw you, go away' post for anyone, so the few I haven't heard from PLEASE don't think that.
What that was, in all honesty, is the 'people anxiety' I've been dealing with since I was a child. Some of the few folks that know me personally have noticed that if there're more than 4 people in the room with me, I start to retreat into myself. More than 7, and I'm a wallflower. More than 10, and I'm outside.... and outside becomes 'leaving' when it crests 15. How I managed to survive for fifteen years working for a college is another matter entirely...
People frighten me. *sigh*
I... do all right if I can overfocus on one or two... that'll let me survive a larger gathering. But that level of attentiveness ... is generally not considered 'normal'... and might be why I gravitated to the BDSM scene in the first place. At the time, I had no other way to explain this tendency... though now I'm very much aware that 'doll' is far more accurate in regards to me than 'pet' or 'slave' -ever- was. And the mismatch between the proper definitions of the terms explains why I've burned out more Owners than should be possible.
I'm needy.
The folks that try to meet that neediness typically get drained dry. I wish I knew how to stop the process... the friends I have now are treasured members of my personal family. They're all precious and dear to me (Yes, even YOU, R!) and I desperately want to hold on to all of them. But I'm afraid that 'holding on' to them will burn -them- out one by one. There's enough blood on my hands and conscience to REALLY want to avoid doing such to people I love. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just let go, and let them be free... and then I remember that flying under Tiphares means death. A lifetime in a gilded cage... or thirty seconds of freedom punctuated by a violent and sudden end.
I ... wonder some times if the 'bold and brassy' shell I've built hasn't become my very own gilded cage. I wonder if anyone sees the frightened little girl working the levers and switches from within, making the giant walk and talk and be...
... and... I wonder if I can still get out of the giant... it... it's very dark in here, and a bit lonely... I ... want out. But every time I start believing it might be safe to try and slip out for a bit... to fly for just a bit... ... every time...
Silly one
Do you really think you're going to burn me out now? You haven't yet, and I don't see it happening any time soon.
I would have responded to this sooner, but I'm home sick today and haven't been at the computer much, but darlin', trust me, you've had more than enough opportunities to run me off, and I'm still stuck to you like glue. So stop trying.
Love you.