cabbitzilla (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-05-12 02:29 am
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-05-12 02:29 am
(no subject)
Fragments of conversations are drifting through my mind. Some are regrets, some are dreams, and still others are comments/praise/criticism from others. Given the disordered state my mind has been in since my strokes, I'm enjoying a 'rare moment of cohesiveness of thought'. Things are, in other words, all stuck together...
For the second time in a week, I've had someone challenge my 'all or nothing' approach to gender. I was subjected to a vitriolic blast for not being 'open minded'... which leaves me going:
HUH?! Say WHAT?!!. So we're gonna do this in public, one last time, and the next person will probably get a snort of disgust as I turn away and edit them out of my personal little world. All or nothing? Hardly. Each and every person has a different 'comfort zone' for their perceived and presented gender. But that genderspace becomes a bit muddied when you're reclassed as a transsexual, transgender, or anything else in that region of turmoil. And each and every TG/TS is face with the choice of just going with what they've got in the way of features and build, or trying to do a full-body retool, or something in the middle. It's a personal choice... and one that is generally going to be a touchpoint for anger and pain.
*sigh* Unfortunately for me, I was -not- blessed with a figure and body that can in /any/ way be deemed 'androgynous'. Being -me- means hours of effort and work for a brief period of looking sorta decent (as long as the lighting is dim and nobody comes close). So for me, my -personal- choice needs without question to drop into the 'full body retool' zone. My perspective is a bit canted for my own personal stuff as a result. I know of a half dozen others who're far more fortunate in this respect than I (though I'm sure each one has disadvantages); they were blessed with beautiful faces and features, and are genuinely -pretty-. Because their physical reality is a bit closer to the affect they desire, they don't really need to be as gung-ho as I am. Which is just dandy for them, really.
But tonight, for a second time, I was accused of deeming one of the 'beautiful' ones as 'less serious' than I about their presented gender. And I'm not sure at -all- where that came from. Gender is a SERIOUS thing; anyone who's swimming upstream against the 'established norms' of society is damned serious about what they're doing. *shakes her head* And I really don't get it. I would give most anything to be a bit less lumberjack-looking in physical appearance. I'd near -kill- to be slender, and shorter. And I'm being berated for wishing I were like them... that somehow my desire to be something other than a fscking Sasquatch belittles them. I don't get it. *sigh* I talk to some of the tg/ts folk I know... thin, young, beautiful faces... and wish I could be like them. If anything, I'm guilty of envy; hell, I'll freely admit that. But it doesn't change the amount of social bullsh1t they're having to go through, or the emotional pain of having to -fight- to be yourself. I know of a couple of TG folks who're able to shift /seamlessly/ from one presented gender to the other... and damned if /THAT/ doesn't look like a handy skill to have. But somehow my attempts at friendship are viewed as an attack. And again, as I did the last time this came up... I know that I'll stand back and let them go. Hopefully I'll manage it with a bit more grace than last time; my social ineptness chose that moment to rear its' head, leaving me not only alone but humiliated as well. As much as I treasure my friends, and mourn the loss of each one... I'm not going to stifle someone and force them to stay at my side.
That goes against everything I am, and everything I need to be.
Moving on to the next 'gem' from my disorganized and half dismantled brain... this one's on a similar thread:
I was asked quite bluntly a while back what my 'opinion' on folks who got all the hormones, did all the preparatory steps, but didn't get the 'final' surgery to completely cross the physical gender line. My answer at that time was: I really don't understand it. If you want to be... why would you stop short? But maybe something happened, and they felt they -couldn't- 'finish', or really had no intention on going 'all the way' in the first place. It's not what /I/ would do... but I need to be 'me', and 'me' is female. But different strokes for different folks...
Apparently that's generating heat for me...so I'm going to restate it and either the heat will go away or it'll intensify. *shrug* /I/ need the whole ball of wax. Electrolysis, hormones, surgery, the full monty. That's what my particular spirit requires in order to be complete and whole. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY! That doesn't make you -or- me wrong, just different people with different needs. PLEASE do not confuse my driving need for such things for -me- to be implying that YOU have to as well. Whatever state makes you happiest, that's where you should strive for. *hugs* God have mercy on us all... we need it. Nobody's path is easy, no matter how short or long it is.
Wow, that was kinda short. :p And on to the next tidbit:
I smoke. I smoke pretty heavy. And I'm tired of being nagged about it. So to get EVERYONE on the same page, here's the plan:
Well, that one wasn't terribly pleasant. Let's see what the next one on the docket is:
My Mother-in-law's potato salad (and all the rest of her cooking, for that matter) -totally- rocks. I'm convinced that that woman can make a miracle meal out of an empty kitchen. WOW!
*chuckle* Short and to the point, that one was. And I think I'll just wrap this monster here. Maybe play some FFX, or just chat with the lovely folks I know...
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan, cabbitus ex machina
For the second time in a week, I've had someone challenge my 'all or nothing' approach to gender. I was subjected to a vitriolic blast for not being 'open minded'... which leaves me going:
HUH?! Say WHAT?!!. So we're gonna do this in public, one last time, and the next person will probably get a snort of disgust as I turn away and edit them out of my personal little world. All or nothing? Hardly. Each and every person has a different 'comfort zone' for their perceived and presented gender. But that genderspace becomes a bit muddied when you're reclassed as a transsexual, transgender, or anything else in that region of turmoil. And each and every TG/TS is face with the choice of just going with what they've got in the way of features and build, or trying to do a full-body retool, or something in the middle. It's a personal choice... and one that is generally going to be a touchpoint for anger and pain.
*sigh* Unfortunately for me, I was -not- blessed with a figure and body that can in /any/ way be deemed 'androgynous'. Being -me- means hours of effort and work for a brief period of looking sorta decent (as long as the lighting is dim and nobody comes close). So for me, my -personal- choice needs without question to drop into the 'full body retool' zone. My perspective is a bit canted for my own personal stuff as a result. I know of a half dozen others who're far more fortunate in this respect than I (though I'm sure each one has disadvantages); they were blessed with beautiful faces and features, and are genuinely -pretty-. Because their physical reality is a bit closer to the affect they desire, they don't really need to be as gung-ho as I am. Which is just dandy for them, really.
But tonight, for a second time, I was accused of deeming one of the 'beautiful' ones as 'less serious' than I about their presented gender. And I'm not sure at -all- where that came from. Gender is a SERIOUS thing; anyone who's swimming upstream against the 'established norms' of society is damned serious about what they're doing. *shakes her head* And I really don't get it. I would give most anything to be a bit less lumberjack-looking in physical appearance. I'd near -kill- to be slender, and shorter. And I'm being berated for wishing I were like them... that somehow my desire to be something other than a fscking Sasquatch belittles them. I don't get it. *sigh* I talk to some of the tg/ts folk I know... thin, young, beautiful faces... and wish I could be like them. If anything, I'm guilty of envy; hell, I'll freely admit that. But it doesn't change the amount of social bullsh1t they're having to go through, or the emotional pain of having to -fight- to be yourself. I know of a couple of TG folks who're able to shift /seamlessly/ from one presented gender to the other... and damned if /THAT/ doesn't look like a handy skill to have. But somehow my attempts at friendship are viewed as an attack. And again, as I did the last time this came up... I know that I'll stand back and let them go. Hopefully I'll manage it with a bit more grace than last time; my social ineptness chose that moment to rear its' head, leaving me not only alone but humiliated as well. As much as I treasure my friends, and mourn the loss of each one... I'm not going to stifle someone and force them to stay at my side.
That goes against everything I am, and everything I need to be.
Moving on to the next 'gem' from my disorganized and half dismantled brain... this one's on a similar thread:
I was asked quite bluntly a while back what my 'opinion' on folks who got all the hormones, did all the preparatory steps, but didn't get the 'final' surgery to completely cross the physical gender line. My answer at that time was: I really don't understand it. If you want to be... why would you stop short? But maybe something happened, and they felt they -couldn't- 'finish', or really had no intention on going 'all the way' in the first place. It's not what /I/ would do... but I need to be 'me', and 'me' is female. But different strokes for different folks...
Apparently that's generating heat for me...so I'm going to restate it and either the heat will go away or it'll intensify. *shrug* /I/ need the whole ball of wax. Electrolysis, hormones, surgery, the full monty. That's what my particular spirit requires in order to be complete and whole. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY! That doesn't make you -or- me wrong, just different people with different needs. PLEASE do not confuse my driving need for such things for -me- to be implying that YOU have to as well. Whatever state makes you happiest, that's where you should strive for. *hugs* God have mercy on us all... we need it. Nobody's path is easy, no matter how short or long it is.
Wow, that was kinda short. :p And on to the next tidbit:
I smoke. I smoke pretty heavy. And I'm tired of being nagged about it. So to get EVERYONE on the same page, here's the plan:
- I need to drop another 70 pounds. My target weight for the moment is 260lbs... I'm almost there.
- It's bloody near impossible to lose weight AND quit smoking at the same time. AND I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FSCK about 'this great plan' or idea anyone may have, because:
- I'm NOT gonna quit smoking till I get to my target weight. Then AND ONLY THEN will I tackle the smoking habbit.
- 'Teasing' potshots about smoking.
- Well intentioned nagging about quitting.
- Offers to help me quit smoking now. My plan is my plan. Go away before I have to get rude, please?
- Oblique references and comparisons are now going to get VERY blunt responses from me.
- Comments along the lines of 'kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray' will now get a snarled 'Kiss my a$$' in response. I'm not asking anyone for kisses. If someone offers, and I think it's a nice offer, I'll volunteer to go brush my teeth. Otherwise they can sod off.
Well, that one wasn't terribly pleasant. Let's see what the next one on the docket is:
My Mother-in-law's potato salad (and all the rest of her cooking, for that matter) -totally- rocks. I'm convinced that that woman can make a miracle meal out of an empty kitchen. WOW!
*chuckle* Short and to the point, that one was. And I think I'll just wrap this monster here. Maybe play some FFX, or just chat with the lovely folks I know...
*hugs*
~Ellie-chan, cabbitus ex machina