(no subject)

[cabbitzilla]

I've a new anthem, one that's almost painfully fitting for someone who's had their past rear up and present itself as a hope for the future. I'm aware that my once and future Lady monitors my journal; it's dedicated to Her. The first time I heard this song on the radio was perhaps twenty minutes after I opened the first letter renewing contact after ten long years...

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

---> Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
---> I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
---> Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
---> Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
---> I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
---> Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

---> All of this time
---> I can't believe I couldn't see
---> Kept in the dark
---> but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

---> Without a thought
---> Without a voice
---> Without a soul

---> Don't let me die here
---> There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

Bring Me To Life - Evanescence

To my mind, it's probably the most accurate summary of my emotional state I've encountered yet. Unless you count '... madness reigns in the Hall of the Mountain King...'; but that's a bit specific to my sanity alone, ne? :) The dialogue continues; very little is concrete yet, but some small things have been laid out.

• I will be quitting smoking when I return home - this should thrill most of my friends
• Although I'll be returning to my old post of Lady's Maid, there will be additional duties...
1. Designing and implementing the House network.
2. Maintaining the House machines and server.
3. Handling the Lady's general e-correspondence.
• Guided and careful (meaning slow but steady) weight loss.
• A block of personal time for my writing projects will be set aside daily, as will time to keep up with my personal correspondence via snailmail and online - a couple of friends paniced and -assumed- that my going Home would be 'the end' of everything. Far from it. Relax. I'm not going to disappear... there's no way in hell I could lose -that- much weight. :p

Why put this here? About half of the folks on my friends list are already at least cursory aware of this going on in the background... and I'm no longer hiding who and what I am. I've been up front and blunt about most everything else; my coming clean here shouldn't surprise a darn one of you. There are a handful of young men that... interest me. One... no, two, monitor my journal regardless of who's on my friends list. Where some can only find it in their hearts to love one, such is not the case with me. I know that someday I must choose, but I've tried very hard to make sure that each of the gentlemen know there are others who figure in my mind just as prominently. Three men. Each of them highly intelligent. Each of them treasured as a dear friend even if -nothing- else comes to pass. Two of them deeply spiritual, one of them Fundamentalistly so. I care very deeply for them... and 'love' has been invoked with two of them, although it's ringing hollow with one of them. Two of them have sent me things to read, the one who's now ringing hollow is the third. The third utterly freaked out on me when he found out I was once again in contact with my Lady; sadly, his histrionics diminished him in my eyes, likely contrary to his intent. Truthfully, only the two remain heavy in my thoughts, though I am still fond of the third. But I'm trying to be honest with myself, as well as with everyone else. It's a mess, but it's one that will sort out in time with or without any 'deep musings' from me. Such is life.

*soft chuckle* I can practically hear the wails of TMI! here. :p Ah well. I just needed to dump my thoughts; organizing them on the page is helpful at times. And really, that's all I have, today.

Semper Servilus

~Ellie-chan