cabbitzilla (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-02-21 07:00 pm
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-02-21 07:00 pm
(no subject)
It has been a tumultuos day, to say the least. For whatever reason, I braindumped during the group session...I feel badly about taking the entire session's time, but ... it was necessary. My private therapy session afterwards was a continuation of the group, giving me the chance to fill Tina (my therapist) some of the details I'd not disclosed earlier. My control over my temper has become almost non-existent, leaving me a prisoner of the fury and rage that seem to be the core of my soul. I've not been captive to it since Junior High, when I first nailed it down and established the controls that allowed me to coexist with nearby people. Events of late, coupled with the ongoing pain and depression has ripped out my controls by the roots.
But the beast was not always there. There is a gap, a black spot, in my memories. It begins just after my fifth birthday, and lifts just prior to my eighth birthday. Before that time, there was no rage, just confusion and disorientation. The 'me' that came out of that area was an entirely different person, and it wreaked uter havoc on my life in school. It was always right there, hovering, waiting for something to give it form and let it roar free again; a palpable presence that was always with me like some demonic guardian. When I finally got it under rough control, it was harnessed and channeled into the presentation of 'manliness', granting the ability to carry off my impersonation of a human male with sometimes stunning accuracy. It permitted me the illusion of an alpha wolf for work purposes, and was the driving force in my career at the college. Never an ally; enemy in work release would be closer to truth.
It didn't 'cure' my temper, which remained volatile and strong, but it locked down the killing fury that was dogging my heels. I'm not sure that anyone among my LJ friends has ever seen the beast flash... most have seen me angry, even furious, but not homicidal. It's not something I'm at -all- proud of, and I've done everything I could to hide/mask/disperse it. It shames me. It scars me. And I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it. Because the beast is mostly free again.
Jason (Hobbes to those who know him) saw it last Friday, and I think it worried him quite a bit. His presence was beneficial; Megan didn't get strangled when she whined about being asked to go to the grocery store (after I'd been all over creation trying to arrange for the Saturn to be fixed). And I can feel it now; it's waiting just over my shoulder, waiting for someone to say something just exactly wrong, or for something else to hit me financially. It roars in my mind, screaming for blood, while the rest of me just wants to hide, or find someone to hug me. It's stronger than I am, and I don't know how to defuse it or hold it at bay. I'm terrified that I'll lose what little control I have left, even as crippled up as I am. With the surge of endorphins howling in my veins, I don't feel any pain...
I.. am aware that a lot of my friends have anger and/or depression issues that they're working on, so I'm putting this here where at least some of them can see them. If you have input, suggestions, please note them. And while I've ranted about private emails on public posts, they will -not- be a problem here. If you don't feel you want to comment openly, send it via email. And if this is too much to deal with, then I'll understand why some remain silent.
*frazzled hugs*
~Ellie-chan
But the beast was not always there. There is a gap, a black spot, in my memories. It begins just after my fifth birthday, and lifts just prior to my eighth birthday. Before that time, there was no rage, just confusion and disorientation. The 'me' that came out of that area was an entirely different person, and it wreaked uter havoc on my life in school. It was always right there, hovering, waiting for something to give it form and let it roar free again; a palpable presence that was always with me like some demonic guardian. When I finally got it under rough control, it was harnessed and channeled into the presentation of 'manliness', granting the ability to carry off my impersonation of a human male with sometimes stunning accuracy. It permitted me the illusion of an alpha wolf for work purposes, and was the driving force in my career at the college. Never an ally; enemy in work release would be closer to truth.
It didn't 'cure' my temper, which remained volatile and strong, but it locked down the killing fury that was dogging my heels. I'm not sure that anyone among my LJ friends has ever seen the beast flash... most have seen me angry, even furious, but not homicidal. It's not something I'm at -all- proud of, and I've done everything I could to hide/mask/disperse it. It shames me. It scars me. And I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it. Because the beast is mostly free again.
Jason (Hobbes to those who know him) saw it last Friday, and I think it worried him quite a bit. His presence was beneficial; Megan didn't get strangled when she whined about being asked to go to the grocery store (after I'd been all over creation trying to arrange for the Saturn to be fixed). And I can feel it now; it's waiting just over my shoulder, waiting for someone to say something just exactly wrong, or for something else to hit me financially. It roars in my mind, screaming for blood, while the rest of me just wants to hide, or find someone to hug me. It's stronger than I am, and I don't know how to defuse it or hold it at bay. I'm terrified that I'll lose what little control I have left, even as crippled up as I am. With the surge of endorphins howling in my veins, I don't feel any pain...
I.. am aware that a lot of my friends have anger and/or depression issues that they're working on, so I'm putting this here where at least some of them can see them. If you have input, suggestions, please note them. And while I've ranted about private emails on public posts, they will -not- be a problem here. If you don't feel you want to comment openly, send it via email. And if this is too much to deal with, then I'll understand why some remain silent.
*frazzled hugs*
~Ellie-chan