(no subject)

[cabbitzilla]

I'm just an ageing drummer boy
And in the wars I used to play
And I've called the tune
To many a torture session
Now they say I am a war criminal
And I'm fading away
Father please hear my confession

I have legalised robbery
Called it belief
I have run with the money
And hid like a thief
I have re-written history
With my armies and my crooks
Invented memories
I did burn all the books
And I can still hear his laughter
And I can still hear his song
The man's too big
The man's too strong

Well I have tried to be meek
And I have tried to be mild
But I spat like a woman
And sulked like a child
I have lived behind walls
That have made me alone
Striven for peace
Which I never have known
And I can still hear his laughter
And I can still hear his song
The man's too big
The man's too strong

Well the sun rose on the courtyard
And they all did hear him say
'You always were a Judas
But I got you anyway
You may have got your silver
But I swear upon my life
Your sister gave me diamonds
And I gave them to your wife'
Oh Father please help me
For I have done wrong
The man's too big
The man's too strong

Mark Knopfler/Dire Straits
The Man's Too Strong

Tuesday is the interment for my Grandmother; she's being buried in Arlington National Cemetary with her second husband, and the only real 'grandpa' I ever had. While the song doesn't fit exactly, it sums up the loop my brain's been locked in for almost two weeks. It's bad enough that mom's noticed the tightening around my eyes... she's been around long enough to spot strain in my expression. Crys is probably the only other person I know that is alert enough to notice that particular telltale; she's again gone above and beyond the bounds of friendship, opening her house to me and my erratic patterns so that I had a place to crash after being at the trailer all day. It's why I've been nearly entirely absent here... my focus is limited, and I'm spending my 'free' time either tossing in bed hoping for sleep or buried in one of the monster bashing games in my collection. Trying to write coherently is just a little beyond my abilities at the moment, and I really hope folks can forgive me being inattentive right now. There've been odd comments from a couple of my friends (made outside of LJ) that puzzle me, but I don't seem to have the cpu cycles required to figure things out. At the moment, I'm having to tackle things moment by moment, since there's no energy to try and look forward. But I am alive, and I'm still here (sorta)... and I'll be back just as soon as I can let my mind think about the now without bursting into tears.