Banished.... to the computer?!!

Yes, that's what's happened. For months, I've been taking grief from the Megan person about the inordinate amount of time I spend sitting on my arse right here behind the ViewSonic A70. Said grief has, on multiple occasions, included potshots about how dusty the PS2 I just _had_ to have was getting. [Damn, that sentence is not parsed right, but I'm not gonna futz with it.] A few days ago, I melted down so badly that Megan, obliviousness incarnate, made a panicked phone call to my therapist, and got me put BACK on the 'watch at all times' list.

Joy, rapture, ecstasy. I don't know about anyone else, but being in a deep funk AND having various people asking me EVERY TEN MINUTES how I'm doing and if I'm feeling suicidal (which I most certainly was NOT) REALLY annoys the snot outta me. I got tired of answering the phone sometime yesterday morn, and discovered (much to my surprise) that that list includes sending a county police officer to check on me if I 'drop out of sight' for any length of time. *chuckles drily* He was a very nice lad, and stood outside and smoked a cigarette with me, chatting about a lot of nothing. It was actually pleasant. I just felt kinda bad for wasting his time, and he made the wry comment that I was a pleasant surprise after the 'domestic dispute' he'd gotten pulled into earlier in the day. He wandered off after about 15 mins, promising to call off the psychiatric dog teams... and it seems to have worked. One call last night, one call today.

I keep trying to explain that I'm a bit more compartmentalized than most folk; blue (or black) funk does NOT mean suicidal. It just means it's a funk. As I've stressed to the folks I consider family /and/ to my therapist, should I hit suicidal I'll appear on my therapist's door mat, or at the hospital, depending on where I am. I don't consider that kind of departure from the mortal coil to be at ALL appropriate. Some have heard me state unequivocally that suicide is the only unforgivable sin... simply because you've terminated yourself without forgiveness. Anything else can be sorted out.

And if I turn out to be wrong on that, it's going to be a very nasty surprise. :p But it's a belief that's rooted so deeply I just can't even convince myself that there's even a slim chance that I'm wrong, there. (Humor me; my grammar and sentence construction skills seem to be off line tonight.)

Ahem. Okay, now that that's all taken care of... yes, I've been banished back to the computer. After making potshots about me 'living' at the PS2, and after tripping over my controller cable, and after another round of potshots, Megan managed to 'forget' that I was playing Kingdom Hearts. Apparently, after all the grief she's given me, she's incapable of living without the TV, VCR,and DVD player on. Everything in her bedroom is on the same circuit as the PS2. Can you see where this is going? She finally goes back to her room, and turns all that crap on. And three lights. And her sewing machine. And we were fine up to that point.

Now a lot of folks don't realize it, but some of our 'everyday' appliances and products are in essence powered by a carefully metered short circuit. Toasters are one, as are curling irons. For that matter, most any kind of iron, and that includes the one for pressing clothes. Now these products put a fairly heavy load on whatever power circuit they're on; given the age of the wiring in this house, the breaker for the front portion pops at least once a month when Megan 'forgets' and turns everything on. She's been 'forgetting' for six years. Every time she does it, I snap at her. It keeps happening; obviously verbal methods aren't sufficient, but they're really my only recourse. She 'forgot' today, and cost me about a half hour of game time...I've not actually /tested/ this memory card before... and if I'm starting over, the iron's going in the trash.

*shakes her head* I just don't get it. How many times does a person have to be told? *exhales* No, I'm not ranting. I can't honestly say I'm even pissed off. Just... stunned at the deliberate, studied ignorance. I just can't fathom that kind of idiocy, and when faced with it I'm completely at a loss. *helpless shrug* I can't deck her. I can't even leave her power off and lock the fuse box; my bedroom's ALSO on that circuit. *frowns, then shrugs again* I just don't know what to do with her, you know?

At any rate, it's actually been a pleasant day. Kingdom Hearts is cheery, endearing, and fun; it's the most fun I've had with a video game since... Final Fantasy Tactics and Bust A Groove. *grins* Most folks have probably never heard of the second one (and no, it's not the Arkanoid kinda game). I highly recommend it, but caution folks: It's hard to find, and it can be VERY addicting. *grins impishly* Kitty N was my favorite, followed VERY closely by Kelly. Here's one of the FAN PAGE; it includes picture galleries and song lyrics. Enjoy.

And now it's time to go take my turns at KoL. See ya!

(no subject)

*giggles softly*

I really should've known. Honestly, looking back on it, I should've expected it. *snickers*

Possibly one of the most difficult to find PS1 games, one that's obscure to the point of most of my local friends have never even heard of it... and from my friends list pop two more folk who've played it. I know there're three more in that category as well, having laughed and chatted about it with them. *grins impishly* And I should've known better, because most everyone on my friends list is, in their own right, unique, dynamic, and versatile. Some of you folk are down right amazing.

It's morning... and I'm actually up and awake. It's a pretty day out; rain's predicted for later, and the telltale ache that says it's coming is present, but right this moment it's gorgeous outside. I need to clean up a bit and get dressed, and then I'm going to camp on the PS2 until it's time to head out to my therapy appointments, but I wanted to cruise through my email before I let my brain melt back into KH. :)

OH! I isolated the Athlon/WinXP system and argued with it a bit.... yes, it's Sasser. I'm going to need to download the stuff it needs later... not sure how I'm gonna do that though. That's the system with the CD burner in it. I'm really wishing I had a Zip100 disk... there's a Z100 drive in my little linux box that could be transplanted into this one to write the stuff out, and then into the Athlon system to install. Unfortunately, the only Zdisks I have are Z250's, and they're incompatible with the 100 drive.

Hrm. Well, I'll ask Megan tonight if there's enough loose change in her desk to go buy one. I really want that system back online. Well, it'll sort itself out. There has to be a way to get the files onto that machine; possibly I can get it functional on the network. Right this moment, I've got other stuff that needs doing, so it's got to wait just a little longer.

Oh, and matraia? In the American release, the girl's name is Shorty, and the pet is Columbo the mouse. :p

(no subject)

Many many thanks to one of my personal angels of mercy. After encountering my nascent, hazily formed plans for fixing the Athlon, she turned up at my door with a cd burned of updates, patches, and Sasser removal tools. Bless you, sweetie.

I'm going to retire to a book in just a few moments; it's been a day of ups and downs. The emotional cloudburst I'd been fearing hit during the GID therapy group meeting... I'm not thrilled at all about going to pieces in front of the others. At least it's past. I stayed behind to clean up the debris and spills I'd caused; a good bit of the conference room table was wet from the glass that got crushed in my hand. *sigh* At least one of the group members now fears me, having seen the steel drinking glass crushed like tinfoil in my hand. I'd worked hard to gain her trust; she's fragile emotionally, and a victim of past abuse. I... don't know if she'll ever trust me again; she fled while the others were trying to calm me. Hysterical strength taps are ... draining. I'm more worn tonight than I thought possible, and my entire right arm is on fire. I'm trying to keep moving it as normal; immobilizing it will only lock the overstressed joints and cause more trouble later. I'm not doing any lifting, but I'm having to concentrate on keeping it moving.

And about an hour after I got home, having worked through the worst of the cramps and gotten things working relatively normally again, the aforementioned angel showed up with printed pages of documentation (which mirrored the information that elix had provided *smooch* thank you, sweetie) and the cd of patches and such. We chatted for a couple hours; it's amazing how much company can boost my spirits. She finally rolled out of here about an hour ago; I made a trip to the store and then settled in here to check mail and messages... and got word from another merciful angel with word of the impending arrival of a new video card for my precious G3 (thank you, wibbble and elance).

My friends spend an awful lot of time and money on me... in return I'm alternately exuberant and mopish. I'm sorry, darlings... I really am trying to stabilize. I've gotten militant about taking my meds, to the point of setting alarms so that they're being taken at the same time every day. I keep praying that this combination will give me the tool I need to lock everything down again; I've been erratic and undependable of late, withdrawing from nearly everything to the point of folks actually asking me if I'm ever coming back. Others have simply given up on me. I keep asking for patience; some have been pushed past their limits already. I don't fault those folks... if they're HALF as annoyed with my erratic highs and lows as I am, then they've already taken more than was warranted.

But some have stayed... my cherished family. I can't fathom why they put up with me - I just know they do. They tell me over and over again that I'm worth it, and it just leaves me scratching my head in puzzlement. I love each of them, for the wonderful folks they are. I don't say it often enough, but it's true. *wry smile* You poor folks probably also need icepacks and aspirin, too. Hopefully someday I'll be able to repay the kindnesses you've all heaped upon me. It's staggering to think about just how much has been given... much of it by folks who really couldn't spare it, but did it anyway. In the quiet moments after the sweep of madness comes the thoughts of things that have been done for me; those thoughts are used to strap the fragmented pieces of my mind back together as I get back to my feet. It's a long list - I could sit here and type for hours and not manage to squeeze it all in. For all the little things, all the big things, all the lovely surprises, the hugs (both real and virtual), the smiles, the warmth, the love ... thank you. Thank you.

Those words seem... trivial. I simply don't know how to express my feelings on the topic; it leaves me at a loss for words. My thoughts tend to be better organized in the written media, where I can proofread several times and fix the jumbles, but even there it can't properly convey my feelings. The path that I walk, the path that was chosen for me, isn't an easy one... but that can be said of most any path. I've become very high maintenance, very emotional. It makes me worry a bit what will happen when I finally start the hormone treatments, but it's not a worry I can really do much about. I just wanted... to say thank you. For caring. For staying. For listening. On occasion for whacking me upside the head with a clue. For accepting me, and what's within. You are all amazing, wondrous people. I simply can't thank you enough, simply for being who and what you are.

While I'm calming, and introspective, a sister across the pond has hit the same darkness that I've been walking through. I... my advice probably isn't worth much, but it basically boils down to three words: Never Give Up. It doesn't matter if the outfits will never 'look good' on you. It doesn't matter if you never see those exotic locales. And it doesn't matter how dark it gets, love - while you draw breath, there's hope. The one thing that matters most is that you're true to -yourself-. Reality can be shaped, altered, blended to better adapt to you. Some situations look hopeless, yes. I'm sitting in one of them myself. But there is hope, so long as your dreams are alive. Don't let them die, sweetie. Hold on to them... not too tightly, but hold on to them. Let them grow as -you- grow, and adapt as you change. You can make it... there are people who believe in you simply on the merits you've presented.

Never give up. Ever. Remember your past, adapt to your present, and shape your future. Be true to yourself, even if that clashes with others' perceptions around you. You -can- do this. I can do this. And there's always hope...