cabbitzilla (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-08-15 05:40 pm
cabbitzilla) wrote2003-08-15 05:40 pm
(no subject)
Moodcheck: Pretty damned bouncy, considering the hell that was yesterday. As has been the pattern since AnthroCon flipped my world catywompus and left me gaping, even the worst arguments with Megan can't do more than dent my spirits temporarily. [Blessings to You, my Lady.] Today's been a 'busy' day, but I've gotten a decent amount of errand running done in addition to back to back rheumatology and therapy appointments.
I suspect I'll never know what set Megan off yesterday; whatever it was,it left her looking to carve her bloody initials on my soul. Caught off guard and half asleep, my instincts kicked in -hard- and I tried to bolt from the conflagration that was my housemate... straight into a wall, to land in a crumpled heap on the floor. In a dazzling display of 'go for the throat' mentality, she descended on me with mocking laughter and still more verbal abuse.
And touched off a canon, aimed straight at her face.
The basic pattern of our fights is fairly simple; she gets wound up about something, and picks a fight with me over something trivial so that she can 'win' something and restore her own spirits. My reactions are consistently to backpedal and try and even things out - regardless of my talent at confrontation, I don't LIKE it. In the six and a half years we'd been together, I'd (with -ONE- exception) always pulled my verbal punches... it serves no purpose when she's on the warpath to blow what's left of her foundation out from under her. It -hurts- to have that done to you, and I'm loathe to inflict pain. The noted exception happened about a year and a half ago; the fight had escalated until she had me cornered, and the Beast got free of the fetters I've so carefully layered on and told her EXACTLY what I thought she was worth as a person... and then gave a line-by-line itemization of evidence to support it all. By the time I was done, she was in hysterics, and slammed out the front door to escape me (and broke the door frame in the process). It was an instance of coldly calculated rage, unleavened by compassion.
Yesterday was a bit different; yesterday she managed to trigger both the rage AND the panic 'fighting for my life' reflexes. It wasn't a matter of detaching the compassion... it was raw survival. The neighbors across the street, through closed doors and windows and over their air conditioners, -heard- me go off on her. JR /quoted/ some of it to me this morning when I talked to him. My memory is... fogged. Probably a subconscious blockage, but from what I got repeated back to me this morn I do NOT want to see it. Motivation. Consideration. Basic honesty. Compassion for fellow man. Laziness. Sloth. Greed. Manipulation. Malice. ... it all went in one large salvo that was followed by an -incredibly- loud silence as she just stared at me. And then she took a deep breath, anounced she was going to a friend's house to pet the kittens, and did I want her to bring me anything for supper.
Like I'd said nothing. But her eyes had gone completely flat, as had the tone of her voice. Today, everything is back to normal, as though it'd never occured... which confuses the hell out of me. I /know/ she heard it, and I know it affected her.... but I've got -nothing- to go on. The entire affair'd lasted less than twenty minutes, and left me so rattled I didn't even realize that Trillian had crashed until this morning.
Mistress, I'm sorry I worried You. I'm much better, now... and will do my best to see to it that it doesn't happen again.
Brian and Jennifer, I'm sorry I wasn't about yesterday. I ... was -not- in any frame of mind to try working on character construction. I'm going to try to work on it a bit tonight.
I -am- doing much better now. I may never know what's triggering Megan... to be completely honest, I no longer really -want- to know. I want to get this place cleaned up, and discharge the last of my obligations to her, and get the heck away before she (as I now believe she will) self destructs. I've done my damnedest to pass on what life lessons I could; my energies are no longer limitless and I can ill afford pouring what I have left into a bottomless chasm. I've things that need doing, people that need my love and support, and far far more important places to be.
That sounds very cold, but it's what I've been pushed to. If that outlook, now revealed, distresses any of you... well, I'm really sorry, but tough nuts. This is no longer a 'game'... it's become a matter of survival. And that, as they say, is that. :p
Now that that's done... :P I've MUSIC! Wooohoo! :) Lyrics for my metal-impaired family:
*giggles* Some of you know that I'm -very- passionate about music, particularly the 'rebel metal' subset. Favorite groups include Manowar (Eric Idle in leather pants! *drool* Maybe his wife will share...), Savatage (so damned talented they double as Trans Siberian Orchestra -AND- Doctor Butcher), Iced Earth (who do some -really- cool suite-style tracks), Accept (Udo. Oh, Udo. Bend me over and growl in my ear while you... er.. oops. Sorry.), and W.A.S.P. Today's musical featurette is W.A.S.P., complete with Blackie Lawless' howling vocals. Several tracks, in no particular order, but all favorites:
This next one is quite possibly my favorite W.A.S.P. tune of all time. There are others that I really like, but this one... hits chords within me. Hits them rather hard, at that. But no lyricfest for these guys would be complete without it. It should be noted that 'Forever Free' was penned at the very begining of the chaos and carnage that's talked about next...
These next three pieces fit together, and have a bit of backstory to go with them. In the beginings, W.A.S.P. was with a VeryBigRecordLabel that called a lot of the shots... and as it turned out, very nearly destroyed the members of the band in the grinder known as the music business. After a -lengthy- legal war and shouting match, Blackie and the boys finally moved on to a new label; unfortunately, some of their best material is hopelessly mired in legal tangles, and likely never to see rerelease. Bitter and angry from the tooling over by corporate executives, Blackie and crew penned the album these three tracks come from. It's a very... dark look at the music business, from the beginings of the rise, to the onset of doubts and fatigue, to the final burnout of the would-be star. The music that accompanies two of these pieces is some of the most brutal music (Chainsaw Charlie features, yes, you guessed it, live chainsaws... and they use them in concerts on stage...) I've ever heard... the middle piece is a soft, sorrow-filled ballad....
There are a lot of folks out there that just want to brand W.A.S.P. as 'useless drivel'. I disagree strongly. I suspect the lyrics speak for themselves.
And a lemming!
*giggle*
I suspect I'll never know what set Megan off yesterday; whatever it was,it left her looking to carve her bloody initials on my soul. Caught off guard and half asleep, my instincts kicked in -hard- and I tried to bolt from the conflagration that was my housemate... straight into a wall, to land in a crumpled heap on the floor. In a dazzling display of 'go for the throat' mentality, she descended on me with mocking laughter and still more verbal abuse.
And touched off a canon, aimed straight at her face.
The basic pattern of our fights is fairly simple; she gets wound up about something, and picks a fight with me over something trivial so that she can 'win' something and restore her own spirits. My reactions are consistently to backpedal and try and even things out - regardless of my talent at confrontation, I don't LIKE it. In the six and a half years we'd been together, I'd (with -ONE- exception) always pulled my verbal punches... it serves no purpose when she's on the warpath to blow what's left of her foundation out from under her. It -hurts- to have that done to you, and I'm loathe to inflict pain. The noted exception happened about a year and a half ago; the fight had escalated until she had me cornered, and the Beast got free of the fetters I've so carefully layered on and told her EXACTLY what I thought she was worth as a person... and then gave a line-by-line itemization of evidence to support it all. By the time I was done, she was in hysterics, and slammed out the front door to escape me (and broke the door frame in the process). It was an instance of coldly calculated rage, unleavened by compassion.
Yesterday was a bit different; yesterday she managed to trigger both the rage AND the panic 'fighting for my life' reflexes. It wasn't a matter of detaching the compassion... it was raw survival. The neighbors across the street, through closed doors and windows and over their air conditioners, -heard- me go off on her. JR /quoted/ some of it to me this morning when I talked to him. My memory is... fogged. Probably a subconscious blockage, but from what I got repeated back to me this morn I do NOT want to see it. Motivation. Consideration. Basic honesty. Compassion for fellow man. Laziness. Sloth. Greed. Manipulation. Malice. ... it all went in one large salvo that was followed by an -incredibly- loud silence as she just stared at me. And then she took a deep breath, anounced she was going to a friend's house to pet the kittens, and did I want her to bring me anything for supper.
Like I'd said nothing. But her eyes had gone completely flat, as had the tone of her voice. Today, everything is back to normal, as though it'd never occured... which confuses the hell out of me. I /know/ she heard it, and I know it affected her.... but I've got -nothing- to go on. The entire affair'd lasted less than twenty minutes, and left me so rattled I didn't even realize that Trillian had crashed until this morning.
Mistress, I'm sorry I worried You. I'm much better, now... and will do my best to see to it that it doesn't happen again.
Brian and Jennifer, I'm sorry I wasn't about yesterday. I ... was -not- in any frame of mind to try working on character construction. I'm going to try to work on it a bit tonight.
I -am- doing much better now. I may never know what's triggering Megan... to be completely honest, I no longer really -want- to know. I want to get this place cleaned up, and discharge the last of my obligations to her, and get the heck away before she (as I now believe she will) self destructs. I've done my damnedest to pass on what life lessons I could; my energies are no longer limitless and I can ill afford pouring what I have left into a bottomless chasm. I've things that need doing, people that need my love and support, and far far more important places to be.
That sounds very cold, but it's what I've been pushed to. If that outlook, now revealed, distresses any of you... well, I'm really sorry, but tough nuts. This is no longer a 'game'... it's become a matter of survival. And that, as they say, is that. :p
Now that that's done... :P I've MUSIC! Wooohoo! :) Lyrics for my metal-impaired family:
*giggles* Some of you know that I'm -very- passionate about music, particularly the 'rebel metal' subset. Favorite groups include Manowar (Eric Idle in leather pants! *drool* Maybe his wife will share...), Savatage (so damned talented they double as Trans Siberian Orchestra -AND- Doctor Butcher), Iced Earth (who do some -really- cool suite-style tracks), Accept (Udo. Oh, Udo. Bend me over and growl in my ear while you... er.. oops. Sorry.), and W.A.S.P. Today's musical featurette is W.A.S.P., complete with Blackie Lawless' howling vocals. Several tracks, in no particular order, but all favorites:
On Your KneesThe sin that you buy and you sell Mom and daddy said "the life that you've led, You'll party you're way straight to hell" On Your knees, You shall be on your knees Cos I want you on your knees You shall be on your knees And I need you on your knees You shall be on your knees Cos I want you on your knees You shall be on your knees Playing with fire, lust in you burns Reflecting the flames in your eyes Sex and pain insane, they're really the same Misused and confused, bound and tied On Your knees, You shall be on your knees Cos I want you on your knees You shall be on your knees And I need you on your knees You shall be on your knees Cos I want you on your knees You shall be on your knees On your knees that's where you all shall be Well I bid you come taste your first deadly sin Riding the wild wind and the door to submission Will open and you shall fall in On Your knees, You shall be on your knees Cos I want you on your knees You shall be on your knees And I need you on your knees You shall be on your knees Cos I want you on your knees You shall be on your knees On your knees On your knees On your knees On your knees (what in the fuck was that?) |
The Headless ChildrenGod of creation are we blind? Cause some here are slaves that worship guns that spit thunder The children that you've made have lost their minds This monster that we call the earth is bleeding Cause the children have been left alone too long This thing that we've made is fat and feeds on the hate Of the millions that it's taught to sing the song The Headless Children The screams that fill the night, fill the night, fill the night, fill the night The Headless Children The madness steals the light, steals the light, steals the light, steals the light Timebombs in the hands of all the wicked war babies Light the fuse of temptation and we all burn Four horsemen sit high up in the saddle And waiting and ride the bloody trail of no return Sleeping in the arms of a nightmare And wake to find we've been away too long This frankenstein of flesh stitched together back from death And preying on the souls of everyone The Headless Children The screams that fill the night, fill the night, fill the night, fill the night The Headless Children The madness steals the light, steals the light, steals the light, steals the light |
Hold On To My HeartAnd there's no rain, can put it out And there's a flame, it's burning in my heart And there's no rain, ooh can put it out So just hold me, hold me, hold me Take away the pain, inside my soul And I'm afraid, so all alone Take away the pain, that's burning in my soul Cause I'm afraid that I'll be all alone So just hold me, hold me, hold me Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me And oh no, don't let me go cause all I am You hold in your hands, and hold me And I'll make it through the night And I'll be alright, hold on, hold on to my heart |
This next one is quite possibly my favorite W.A.S.P. tune of all time. There are others that I really like, but this one... hits chords within me. Hits them rather hard, at that. But no lyricfest for these guys would be complete without it. It should be noted that 'Forever Free' was penned at the very begining of the chaos and carnage that's talked about next...
Forever FreeAnd shadows whispers are calling me To forbidden forrests by the shore And there she fell deep in the night One breath away from heaven's light And she said- don't cry for me, I'm leaving you The wind cries her name in the breeze But I can't hold her anymore Some fallen angel had come to me And fell to heavy on my soul And stole from me the love that I heard Lords of time say never die And said- don't cry for me, cause I'll be Riding the wind forever free High in the wind forever free I'll ride the wind forever free High in the wind forever free Forever free Forever in my hearts afire, a fire burning I wake up nights and hear her crying, crying my name Riding the wind forever free High in the wind forever free I ride the wind forever free High in the wind forever free Forever free |
These next three pieces fit together, and have a bit of backstory to go with them. In the beginings, W.A.S.P. was with a VeryBigRecordLabel that called a lot of the shots... and as it turned out, very nearly destroyed the members of the band in the grinder known as the music business. After a -lengthy- legal war and shouting match, Blackie and the boys finally moved on to a new label; unfortunately, some of their best material is hopelessly mired in legal tangles, and likely never to see rerelease. Bitter and angry from the tooling over by corporate executives, Blackie and crew penned the album these three tracks come from. It's a very... dark look at the music business, from the beginings of the rise, to the onset of doubts and fatigue, to the final burnout of the would-be star. The music that accompanies two of these pieces is some of the most brutal music (Chainsaw Charlie features, yes, you guessed it, live chainsaws... and they use them in concerts on stage...) I've ever heard... the middle piece is a soft, sorrow-filled ballad....
Chainsaw Charlie [Murders In The New Morgue]O.K. boy now here's your deal Will you gamble your life? Sign right here on the dotted line It's the one you've waited for all of your life Jonathon to Charlie Ah - will it feed my hunger If I swallow lies right down my throat? Or will it choke me till I'm raw? And tomorrow when I'm gone Will they whore my image on? I'll will my throne away, to a virgin heir and Charlie's slave Jonathon Murders, murders in the new morgue Murders, murders in the new morgue See old Charlie and the platinum armys Making me their boy Murders, murders in the new morgue Murders, murders in the new morgue He'll make ya scream for the cash machine Down in Chainsaw Charlie's morgue Charlie to Jonathon We'll sell your flesh by the pound you'll go A whore of wrath just like me We'll sell ya wholesale, we'll sell your soul Strap on your sixstring and feed our machine Jonathon to Charlie Ah - will it feed my hunger If I swallow lies right down my throat? Or will it choke me till I'm raw? And tomorrow when I'm gone Will they whore my image on? I'll will my throne away, to a virgin heir and Charlie's slave Charlie to Jonathon Welcome to the morgue boy Where the music comes to die Welcome to the morgue son I'll cut your throat just to stay alive Ah, trust me boy I won't steer you wrong If you trust me son You won't last very long Charlie to Jonathon I'm the president of showbiz, my name is Charlie I'm a cocksucking asshole, that's what they call me Here from my Hollywood tower I rule I'm lying motherfucker, the chainsaw's my tool The new morgue's our factory, to grease our lies Our machine is hungry, it needs your life Don't mind the faggots, and the ruthless scum Before we're done, son we'll make you one I'm the tin man, I've never had a heart I'm the tin man, But I'll make you a star I'm the tin man, I've never had a heart I'm the tin man, but I'll make me the star |
The IdolWill I need my friends Something just to ease away the pain And no one ever see the loneliness Behind my face I am just a prisoner to my faith If I could only stand and stare in the mirror could I see One fallen hero with a face like me? And if I scream, could anybody hear me; If I smash the silence, you'll see what fame has done to me... Kiss away the pain and leave me lonely I'll never know if love's a lie Ooh - being crazy in paradise is easy Do you see the prisoners in my eyes Where is the love to shelter me Give me love, love, love... come set me free Where is the love, to shelter me Only love, love set me free Set me free |
The Great Misconceptions Of MeWelcome to the show the great finale's finally here I thank you for coming into my theatre of fear Welcome to the show, you're all witnesses you see A privileged invitation to the last rights of me Jonathon to his mother Remember me? You can't save me Mama you never needed me No crimson king, look in my eye, you'll see Mama I'm lonely, it's only me, only me Jonathon to all I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be The crimson idol of a million I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be The crimson idol of a million eyes, of a million Jonathon to all I am the prisoner of the paradise I dreamed The idol of a million lonely faces look at me Behind the mask of sorrow, four doors of doom behind my eyes I've got their footprints all across my crimson mind Jonathon to the king of mercy Long live, long live, long live the king of mercy Long live, long live Jonathon to all There is no love, to shelter me Only love, love set me free No love, to shelter me, only love, love set me free I was the warrior, with an anthem in my soul The idol of eight thousand lonely days of rage ago And remember me when it comes your time to choose Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true Jonathon to his father Red, crimson red, am I the invisible boy The strap on my back Red, crimson red, no I was never to be Only one crimson son, no it never was me Jonathon to all Living in the limelight little did I know I was dying in the shadows and the mirror was my soul It was all I ever wanted, everything I dreamed But the dream became my nightmare and no-one could hear me scream With these six-strings, I make a noose To take my life, it's time to choose The headlines read of my suicide, of my suicide Jonathon to the king of mercy Oh sweet silence, where is the sting I am no idol, no crimson king I'm the imposter, the world has seen My father was the idol, it was never me I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be The crimson idol of a million I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be The crimson idol of a million eyes Jonathon to all No love, to shelter me, only love Love set me free No love, to shelter me, only love Love set me free |
There are a lot of folks out there that just want to brand W.A.S.P. as 'useless drivel'. I disagree strongly. I suspect the lyrics speak for themselves.
And a lemming!
*giggle*